The No Text Rule

Break ups are shit. I know that, probably more than most. I'm kinda fortunate though because a few of my friends were/are going through breakups around the same time as I was. One of them in particular was barely even broken up with by her boy. He just never responded to her text message in which she was venting rage about him constantly letting her down. She sent various messages to him over the coming weeks, but he was mute. She has spent the last 3 months sorting herself out and moving on from him.

This morning, as soon as I arrived in the office, she pounced on me; 

'You will not believe what happened last night?' she announced with absolute delight. 

'He messaged you?' I asked. 

'No,' she says 'I messaged him!'

'WHAT?!' I was angry. No contact is breakup rule numero uno.

'No! It was fine. I just needed the closure.'

Closure. I hate that word. I know it most famously from Friends. You know the ep in season 2, where Rachel drunk dials Ross, leaves him a voicemail saying she is over him, that she's finally got the closure she needed - when really, she isn't over him at all and she certainly didn't have closure. 

Closure is just made up bullshit that dumpees ramble on about, usually as an excuse to keep in contact with their ex. I truly believe the only person who can offer you closure is yourself. You've got to come to terms with what went wrong and why you ended up feeling so hurt. In the end, I think the only thing that truely gives you closure is time. 

So my work friend went on to describe the whole text conversation with me. We discussed how long it took for him to reply, we inspected his punctuation to determine 'what he really meant' and we spoke at length at what messages he had read and hadn't read yet. The text chat with him was 3 replies long on her part, 2 on his. It was left with her suggesting a call to discuss what happened. It's been nearly 24 hours and he is yet to reply. 

My friend is in for a gruelling wait for a text message she may or never get, all in the hope for closure that she may or never get. I feel for here massively. She said she's annoyed with herself that she even messaged him in the first place. Unfortunately, you can't turn back the  Whatsapp clock. 

I learnt the hard way about texting boys who are simply not interested and let's face it, these boys are the least interested as to how we are doing. These boys wanted us out of their lives for a reason. The last thing they want to hear from us is how sad and angry we feel about everything.

I asked her what it was she wanted him to say, what could he possibly say to make her feel any better (usually when you're the one getting in touch what you want to hear back is 'I love you, I realise I've made a crazy mistake', I have never heard of that happening, ever). She said she wanted him to take responsibility for hurting her, for messing things up. I suggested this morning that I wasn't sure she would get that, that he doesn't care enough to take responsibility. Maybe that was harsh. She answered explaining that she knows for sure he does care, for some reason I can't even remember right now. 

I'm sorry, maybe I am cynical but someone who cares about you does not dump you via text (or not), cut you out of their life and not reply to the third message you've sent them in as many months. There are no excuses for that. I would never intentionally hurt someone I cared about, fact. I'm sure you wouldn't either.

There is a plus from all this. In his responses he did say their breakup had 'been shit'. It's nice to hear that he hasn't been having a whale of a time whilst she's been over analysing everything, crying and wondering what's wrong with her, but still - he did bring it on himself.

I guess what I am getting to is this; people break up for a reason, we can't stroll around with our heads in the clouds thinking that maybe the other person regrets what happened, if they did they would be in our life. Even my recent revelations with Mr Rebelious have taught me that. He is insistent that I'm like the love of his life or something, I find that very hard to believe. Where the hell has he been these last 5 years? He says there were so many times he wanted to message but he didn't. Hmm. I'm just not sure. I know I would do anything to make sure I keep someone I love in my life, even if that is sending one teeny text message.

Love and Ex Boys

I've had a breakthrough with Mr Rebelious. Trivial text chat turned serious when he told me he was glad we were speaking again, that he had never dreamt a month ago that we would be so friendly and that he missed me. All of the above I kind of agreed with - I am so glad to be talking again, for various reasons. 

Chat got even more serious when he admitted to wanting to be apart of my life. He said he was sorry for all the drama he put me through, he said he's not the same person he was... 

The explanations went on. I replied with honesty. I told him that I had only ever seen the good in him but he continued to hurt me, I explained that several boys since him have done the same and that has really affected me. I told him I don't trust my own judgement anymore, that I don't feel good about myself, that I really struggle to trust him even as a friend. 

Messages went back and fourth. Him saying he doesn't want to cause me any hurt, he said he always has been and always will be in love with me. Crazy right? Totally.

Being so honest with him has made me feel so much better about the situation. I flat out told him that we couldn't have the sort of relationship I need, I told him I am done with this pattern of falling for guys who are so opposite me. I know now that I am so attracted to those care-free, lazy guys because I hate the pressure I feel to be successful. I look for an outlet from all that pressure with these guys, but by their nature these guys cannot give me the stability that I also need - they are too just too care-free.

All of this has made me feel on a high. It doesn't matter what Mr Rebelious says how he feels, it doesn't matter if I believe it or not - all that matters is how I feel. I feel better this week than I have in months, 6 months to be more precise. I've realised that I am better on my own right now. I want to meet people, I want to have fun and go on dates but I'm not sure I want a relationship for a while. I mean that, if I didn't I wouldn't feel so good right now.

I miss what I had with Mr Boy everyday. I will always love him, I will always love all my ex boys. Those connections I had with those boys were real, they were special. Sure they weren't marriage material but they're a few of the most special relationships I have ever had. Yet...

 

Grade A Losers

Mr Rebelious is causing me anxiety. I know, this post could literally be a throwback from five years ago. The difference between me then and now however, is I am far more aware of what I need in my life right now. Right now, more than ever, I need good friendships and reliable people in my life. I do not need to spend a few weeks, months or years with someone for them to disappear when they've had enough. 

And that's the thing with Mr Rebelious. He does not do relationships, he hasn't been in one since me, he even told me that he sees his future on his own but then minetes later he contradicts himself, telling me he could see himself with me again. Can't blame me for feeling confused about his intentions now, can you? Funny thing is I don't even care about his intentions - he can think/want what he wants, I just gotta do what I gotta do. 

The biggest thing that pisses me off about this whole thing is that I do not want to be in this situation right now. I don't want to be messaging someone I feel guilt pangs over, I thought I'd got rid of all this nonsense in my early twenties. If I could be anywhere right now it would be back in my bubble with Mr Boy. Hanging out with him in front of the tele, holding his hand as we stroll to the shops, working with him on a Saturday night in the bar. I want to be back in my ignorant bubble but I can't - instead I'm here, trying to not be persuaded to go have fun with a boy I know is no good for me.

Do you ever grow out of the temptation of a bad boy? Do you ever see all the hurt and pain you are pretty much inviting into your life? Maybe this is my test. Maybe after the last five years of loser guys and heart ache I'm being sent the one who tempted me the most. I've certainly done my homework on these guys, I should be heading straight to the top of the class. 

Ego boosting boys

Something funny is happening, I'm not really sure why or how but it is happening and it's fun so I am just going with it: I am back in the world of dating. 

Over the last week or so a couple of dudes have popped up and appear to be interested (I know right, a couple?!). I'm doing my best to be cool as a cue and just go with it. In fact, I feel in quite a good place with all this dating biz. Without overly tooting my own horn I actually feel quite good at dating. God knows I've been on enough dates to not be worried about them, but also the dating bit is always the fun bit - after all it's just drinks, who doesn't love drinks?! 

I'd like to publicly thank Mr Rebellious for my recent positive outlook when it comes to guys. He has been full of the compliments (mainly because he is trying to get back in my, erm, good books) and it feels good to know that someone who once had feelings for me still thinks I'm 'pretty amazing'. That's an actual quote. Again, trying not to be too far up my own bum...

We all need an ego boost every now and again, I have definitely felt like I have been running on empty over the last 6 or so months. It does wonders to feel attractive to someone and actually worthy of somebody else's time. It's important not to put your whole self worth on to the shoulders of someone else but to feel a little boost from it is all good.

My focus right now is still me, I'm still in my persuit of the hottest bod I have ever had and I am totally still on the path to filling my life with hobbies and creative things, all this boy stuff is just an add on. I'm certainly not keen on jumping into a new relationship, I want to have fun, hopefully have fun hanging out and at the very least make some new pals. 

Sometimes I do still feel sad, I still miss what I had with Mr Boy so much - or what I thought I had, but there is no good in focusing on all that. There is good however in being hopeful for the future, trusting in fate and believing everything happens for a reason. 

I've kept a little book of secrets for some months now. I fill it with Pinterest quotes I love but would feel too pathetic to re-pin, texts I wrote but never sent. I have also got a few lists in there. One list is compliments friends have sent my way and another is a list of guys who have been interested over the last 6 months. Perhaps this little book is a little self indulgent but it helps me to remember the good things when I'm having a difficult day focusing on the bad things. Try it. I think you'll be surprised how many guys are actually out there. 

About last night...

Yesterday lunchtime I got sent a thumbs up emoji via Facebook messenger from Mr Rebellious. Followed by a message: 'Hope your ok. Can you text me your number please?x'. Just as I had thought; I had got a few digits wrong during our drunken exchange of numbers on Christmas Eve. 

Just to highlight how kind of a big deal this is, this guy has not been on Facebook for 5 years. I messaged back, explaining what I think had happened, giving him my number. On the train on the way home I receive a text: 'I'm back at my Mums this evening, any chance I could see you? Drink somewhere?'.

Holly shit, temptation strikes. After all the fun I had catching up with him on Christmas Eve, why wouldn't I meet him for a drink? I was quick to reply, initially saying I couldn't, that I had plans - which was true. I sat and thought about it a little while longer - I guess I could just meet him after my plans... So I did.

I walked into the pub, our old playground, looking for his distinctive Afro. What a shock that he would be late. I was thinking about ordering a drink on a tab but thought twice when thinking about the strong likelihood that I could get stood up, but in he strolled as I sat down at the table by the fire. 

The first few minutes were awkward, he was nervous. I'm not the best with eye contact but he really could not keep mine. Also I noticed how tired he looked, not tired in a way that meant he didn't have enough sleep last night but in an age kind of way. I guess years of smoking all sorts of stuff takes that kind of toll. As he was telling me about all the friends he'd been catching up with whilst being back in the village for a few days I couldn't help but notice the even bigger differences between us, our friends, our lifestyles. 

We talked about all sorts of things: what we'd been doing the last 5 years, catching up on gossip, Game of Thrones and work. I asked him about his demons, how he deals with all the stuff he went through - I kind of explained some of mine. 

Conversation did go slightly odd though when he talked about his feelings for me. He mentioned a couple of incidents that I just couldn't remember which I probably should, for example when he first told me he loved me, when he called me a few years ago and I promptly hung up. He said last night that I am the only girl he has been in love with and that I broke his heart when I ended things.

At the time I didn't see our relationship as a long term thing at all, I was so young. I certainly didn't have the capacity to deal with all the issues he was going through - I confessed last night that I don't think at the time I even understood the enormity of them. I went on to say that I acted quite selfishly, that I wasn't really the friend I should have been to him. It's funny that I see similarities between me back then and Mr Boy now.

At the end of the night I explained there was to be so no goodnight smooch but I did ask what happens now: 'Like do we text?'. He said he is back again in a couple of weekends, that he's planning a night out, that I should go. Holly shit, temptation strikes again. Going out with him and his friends would be ridiculous. I'm an adult now, I should know better! Although, I do still have that little play suit I used to wear...

Back to work... kind of

My back to work Monday after the Christmas break was actually quite a good one. After nearly 3 years selling shoes I have decided to move on. Instead of shoes I will be selling chocolate. I can't really think of a better way to start the New Year and to beat those January blues.

The last 3 years at my current job have been quite fairly up and down. There has been so many managerial changes, I was lucky to be promoted and how can I not mention the perks (free handbags, free pizza and free bars to name but a few). But it's time for a change, a new challenge, a new routine and to meet new people.

The decision to go into London for work 3 years ago was a fairly easy one to make. Since starting my degree nearly 10 years ago I always new that to work in fashion retail I would have to go to London. To work for a major high street retailer was my goal for such a long time and as expensive, tiring and scary as it is to commute to London from the sticks, I knew I had to do it. London has an image of being busy, stuffy, impersonal and competitive and boy is it all those things. But it's also fun, exciting and fast paced, not to mention full of interesting people.

Over the last 6 months or so I've been finding it really hard to deal with tons of issues in my personal life. I have found the daily challenge of not blaming myself for all my heartache really hard. For a while work was my escape from all that negative thinking. I would go to work, do a good job and feel really satisfied. Work has always been a source of confidence and feel good to me - I love nothing more than to know I am achieving something with my day. The last few months however have been difficult at work. I've had feedback, in which I question the validity of, feedback not on my ability to do my job but on the way I do it. Since then I've noticed responsibilities of mine being reduced, an increase lack of team meetings, poor communication and extremely low team morale. All of which has made me doing my job, to the standard I would like to, really difficult.

I know work goes through phases and I've been through similar phases at my current job before but it feels a little like a lost cause now. So, I felt I had no other option than to look elsewhere. Professionally I think it's also time to move, to experience more technical areas of my role that I currently don't get the opportunity to do but also personally, I think it's a perfect time to move.

I've desperately been trying to cram as much life stuff between Mr Boy and today, to help me move on and to gain perspective from the situation. A new challenge, new people, a whole new routine and hopefully a much happier 9-5 life will help me with all those things. Also, my daily commute time will more than half, giving me more time to invest time in all those things I want to do to create a fuller personal life.

Since handing in my notice on Monday I feel such a sense of relief. For such a long time I've been hanging on to my dream of working in fashion retail and not stopping to think about how my outlook might have changed over the last 10 years. Recently I've realised how important it is to have hobbies and an actual life that makes you feel good, not just work or relationships. I'm hoping I can work my notice at my current job relatively stress free so I can fully through myself into my new job.

Healthy Body, Healthy Mind

There is nothing more motivating, weight wise, than being dumped. Actually there is, being dumped by a 21 year old. Khloe Kardashian works on her 'revenge body', other girls slip into post-break-up anorexia for a couple of months. My weight loss actually started before I had even broke up, my heart ache only helped me stick to the plan even more.

I joined Slimming World back in July. I was at my heaviest weight and had been for nearly 18 months. I had not been happy with my body for a long time. When I was 21 I found myself in a similar situation, I joined Slimming World and lost a stone in just 3 months. I managed to keep the weight off for a few years, but graduating, working an office job and then eating everything in sight whilst dating various guys really didn't do me any favours.

By summer 2015 I hadn't seen a full length photograph of myself in months. I had taken belfies in my undies, really with two aims. 1: to act as a confidence boost - maybe I wasn't as fat as I thought I was and 2: evidence of myself at my heaviest once I lost all the weight.

Within 2 weeks I had lost over half a stone, my aim was a stone and a half weight loss in total, getting me down to the weight I was at 21. The plan itself I find relatively easy, it's all about portion control and eating less of the wrong things and more of the right - all of the emotional drama I found myself in towards the end of last year helped me focus and the weight literally dropped off.

It wasn't long before the compliments started - those are always sure fire motivational moments. It makes you feel so good when you notice your clothes are loose but when other people start to notice too, you know you are on to a good thing. I had been feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin for ages, the body I had didn't feel like mine. I looked so different in pictures to what I did when I was younger, I avoided clothes shopping for a while, probably in denial about being a size 14-16.

I have always been body confident with guys. I am all about the lady curves; boobs, bums and flesh. I would never aspire to skin and bones. Also, any guy I have ever been with has always loved the curves too - I have never been made to feel gross about carrying a few extra pounds, I just did not feel great, I didn't feel like me.

At the end of November I reached my target weight at group and I can now maintain at Slimming World for free. I had always said that when I reached my target I was going to get on the exercise bandwagon - up until now my weight loss has all been diet control.

Over the last few weeks I have accounted for the extra Christmas eating with exercise. I even publicly set myself a challenge to get abs for my 29th birthday at the end of February, with #29ToneUp. I am deadly serious about it. I have been running 3x this week, doing yoga and a sit up, squat and plank routine every other day. I am determined to celebrate my last birthday of my twenties with the hottest body I have ever had. I plan to wear the same playsuit I wore for my 22nd. I have been starting my days with smoothies, thanks to a favourite Christmas present. I am definitely on it.

I have said many times over the last 5 months that I wanted to take of myself and treat my body a little better. I definitely feel 100x times better for it, my running and strength exercises have more recently helped me feel even better. I am hoping this new found love for my body and health will only continue and become one of my new hobbies that I so desperately want.

Hello 2016

I love a New Year. It's a fresh start, the perfect time to reflect back on your previous year, learn some lessons and look forward to good times ahead. So here goes my now obligatory New Year resolution post.

This year I want to focus on my personal life, I want to fill my week nights and weekends with creative hobbies and exercise. Of course my job is important, it always has been, but I think I just need to address the work-life balance.

I have publicly committed myself (via Instagram) to a #29ToneUp challenge. In just over 7 weeks I will be turning 29, I am already as slim as I was at 22, now I want to tone up and have the hottest bod I have ever had, like ever. I am running, taking walks and doing yoga. Creatively I am putting my mind to good use with new colouring books and my new fave writing journal; 642 Things To Write About. I also want to publish more on here, so watch this space.

This year, much like two years ago, I want to promise myself lots more fun. I want to get dating, start booking in trips and holidays and I want to spend quality time with good friends. I am so lucky to have so many good friends, a bunch of whom have been around for so long - I kinda take them for granted. They are like my chosen family. I know the ones who will always be in my life and that makes them way more important than any guy who could just walk out of my life with just a moments notice.

Recently I have been feeling so much stronger - physically, thanks to my running and yoga, but also mentally. I think that's thanks to the work I've been doing on myself, work with my councillor and just generally taking better care of myself. I realised a little while ago that I was waiting for the day that I wake up and feel like the old me again, the me before all the Mr Boy heart ache.

That is crazy.

I will never go back to how I was two years ago, I can't, too much life stuff has happened. I am never going to wake up one day like 'Oh great, I'm back'. The sadness I feel about everything that has happened is still there, it will probably always make me feel something - just look at my last post about a guy I haven't even seen for 5 years.

All that feeling is OK. It's normal. I can either choose to let it get to me and make me feel weak or I can choose instead to see how far I have come over the last 5 months and use that to make me feel strong. I totally choose the strong option.