I am a control freak (no, that's not my revelation, I've been aware of this for quite some time, I'm simply laying down the foundations for you). I've mentioned before that I like to plan things, not necessarily the small things for example the food shopping, but those big life things; getting a new car, moving out, career progression. Up until now everything has pretty much worked to plan, lucky ol' me eh? For a little while (mainly my early twenties) I was completely focused on these aims; I was happy for Uni/work to be my priority over boys, I wanted work to be a big, happy part of my life.
Now however I find myself wanting a bit more than just the 9 to 5 sense of accomplishment. I feel I have now reached a point in my career where I have conquered a massive fear and I'm at a place I always dreamt to be, perhaps now I'm looking for the next big life thing.
Unlike most of my friends, and probably half of the universe, I'm not dreaming about a boy, about what our future might be like, planning weddings, babies. To be honest, over the last few months I've been completely unable to look any further than the weekend. Quite frankly, who knows what I'll be doing next week or how I'll feel about it.
Let's just for one minute though float the idea of this being ok. Let's go along with the idea of no self inflicted pressure, no expectations, just plodding through each day, week. Seriously going with the flow. A friend recently pointed out that she doesn't really have a plan or necessarily set herself goals and in my opinion she's doing pretty fantastic. Perhaps this plan thing has worked up until now, maybe now I need to just chill the fuck out. It's times like these I wish I smoked (cigarettes and/or spiffs if you were wondering). It's such a 'go with the flow' thing to do, not to mention relaxing.
I know the grass is always greener (no pun intended), especially for me, I recognise I'm never really satisfied. But i want to know whats next, I want to have hope in something, I want to know I'm moving forward and not standing still. I guess it all boils down to wanting to feel I have more of a purpose in life than to just poodle into work and send a few emails.
