'Last orders at the bar!'

Yesterday was my last pub shift for a while. Officially I'm having a month or two off, unofficially I'm contemplating never stepping a foot in that pub again. I haven't left momentarily solely because of Mr CBA, although he is a big part of it. I have been juggling two work worlds for nearly two years now; it would be nice to have my weekends back. Also I originally went back there because I loved the job and I missed it. Now it's an awkward six hours on a Sunday that I dread all week. That phrase 'don't shit where you eat' springs to mind...

I'm hoping that I will recoup over the next few weeks and be right back to my old self again, marching straight back behind that bar and giving two fingers to all those asshole guys and girls. I'm hoping I'll be begging for my shifts back. Not sure though, perhaps my pub days are over. Maybe six years of pouring pints to the good old drunks (and perves) of Henlow is enough for me and my Crown alter ego. Hmm, we'll see.

It's funny because that place has been such a huge part of my life, especially over the last few years. I love it there. I treat it like my second home! I know it's a shame to let some boy ruin it, so he won't, don't worry, I wont let him. I've had quite a lot of beef with people in that place over the years and I always out live them. Also, as a back up plan I've got quite good ammunition, I could spread willy rumours about him #justsaying (and he thinks I'm too nice? Mwhahahaha).

All jokes a side it's a relief. I don't have to talk to him, look at him, see him, hear rumours about him and some dumb waitress. I can sort of pretend now that it never happened. Bury my head in the sand. Well, they do say ignorance is bliss. 

Mr CBA

I have been meaning to write for quite some time. Over the past two months I have actually written several draft posts explaining the situation/my head/my heart, but I never had the inclination to finish them. Some of the writing however was quite good, even if I do say so myself. So to give my broken hearted self her little moment of fame, here's some snippets;

I've been quiet the last week or so. Funny my absence comes after a few smug entries about how good I was feeling about the boy situation. Well, almost as punishment from God, things turned sour last weekend. Surprise, surprise. Over the past week I have quite literally been mending my broken heart, damaged ego and all round confidence when it comes to the one thing in my life that i have absolutely no control over; men. 

What a hard pill to swallow; to be told you are just not amazing enough and that he simply doesn't like you enough...  I think I kind of needed him to be honest and blunt with me though, to sort of shock myself into the reality of this really not working.

I don't think I have felt rejection quite like this. Obviously we have all experienced boy rejection at some time in our lives; school playground, first crush, one night stand you thought meant much more... Previous relationships of mine ended because of me, because my feelings changed, I instigated it or I made the decision. This situation has entirely ended because this guy was simply just not that into me.

The biggest upset for me isn't the fact that I won't be hearing from him pretty much everyday or seeing him once a week... The thing that makes me the saddest is that I feel such a fool. I feel such a fool for letting my heart rule my head, yet again. I thought I had learnt that lesson back with Mr Rebellious. I feel a fool for ignoring all the warning signs, all the He's-Just-Not-That-In-To-You signs that I pretty much wrote the rules for. I feel a fool for thinking this was anything more that what it was.

So your pretty up to speed? For the last two months I have been battling all sorts of other drama too, drama that I really do not want to bore you with right now. I have also been struggling to get back to the old me. You know, the one who would be texting loadsa boys and not give a teeny tiny shit.

Thing is I feel like a lot has changed since then, I'm a birthday older for one thing and all my friends are actually pairing off and talking about living together, weddings and caravans (that's another story). All of a sudden I find my irresponsible boy stories from last year all a bit out of place. People aren't finding them entertaining anymore, I actually think people are starting to pity me and my single existence. Which is all fine of course because quite honestly I pity myself too. To be brutally honest I also feel a bit embarrassed. I feel like people are beginning to wonder what is wrong with me that I cannot seem to find and hold on to a man. 

My old routine/life feels so alien. Driving into work, chitchatting about him all day and worrying about weather he's text or not, it all seems such a long time ago. I still obsess about him of course but just in my head, at least then I have no witnesses to my crazy. I still see him too which is absolutely heart breaking. The only saving grace is that he has no idea. He is so stupid he would never notice how upset I was, even if I served him his pint in floods of tears.

I think its getting easier though. I still think about him when I'm trying to get to sleep and I have moments of madness where I wish I could text him to tell him I miss him, but then my brain kicks in to protect my heart and says that there's just no point, he literally CBA. Then I begin to feel the idiot again who once upon a time thought he did care. And so the crazy kicks in...