Good Change

A couple of things have really stood out in the last few months. Pieces of advice I have received, conversations that really stuck to me and that I hope to take forward into the next chapter.

The first one came from my Mum. During one of our late night chats about the mistakes I keep making in relationships, she told me she was furious with the most recent boy. She explained why she was so mad; she felt his actions had made me question myself again, impacting my objective train of thought. She assured me that I had not done anything wrong. She said I was good to him, I was faithful and that the only thing I might be guilty off is that I was so in love with him. And when has that ever been a bad thing? That's a beautiful thing. This chat really helped me see that the break up of our relationship was all down to him, there wasn't anything I could have done to protect my heart. I innocently and quite lovely fell in love with him.

The second piece of advice came from a work friend only last week. One lunchtime I was explaining that for me to truly move past all this I want to know he has regrets. That in itself is a bit narcissistic from my own point of view but nevertheless my very wise and straight thinking colleague helped me see that to admit you've made a mistake to the one person who it affects the most takes such courage. Something I honestly don't think Mr Boy has.

So that's that. These two nuggets of straight forward thinking have helped me out from many a dark moment and I'm sure they will continue to do so over the next few weeks and months.

This weekend marked a milestone. My housemate of two years moved out; pretty much to the date that he moved in. Instead of feeling sad and lonely I'm really looking forward to my time alone on my house. Financially I'm finally at a place that I can comfortably live on my own - that feels amazing. Also for various reasons I don't think I am lonely in my house.

Recently I've been putting myself out there again, chatting to boys, even having a little flirt. It feels good to be doing that all again, I'm actually excited about dating.

The next couple of months are kinda the build up to Christmas and then the new year. I love the new year, a fresh start. I plan to enjoy the next few months, spend as much quality time with my friends and my family as possible and to really rest up. I want to start 2016 off in the best frame of mind as possible.

Throwback To My Broken Heart

I wrote this ages ago. Way back in August but I've just found it and I thought it pretty much summed up exactly how I felt at he time. So, unashamedly, here is my heart laid bare:

I feel like I'm missing a body part. Something's missing from me. I'm ashamed to admit that it's you. I'm ashamed because you can't possibly feel the same way as me. I'm ashamed to feel so strongly for you as I do.

Sometimes I wonder if I am romanticising our time together, if I always did see you with rose tinted glasses. I don't know what's worse; feeling as strongly as I do about missing you or the idea that I am making more of it than what it was.

I already feel stronger without you than I did with you. The way I gave you so much of my heart worried me. This was my biggest fear realised yet I am doing good.

Initially I didn't get in touch with you in the hope that without me in your life you'd realise how much you missed me and how much of a mistake you have made. But as time has gone on I realise that if you did feel like that then you'd be in touch. Now I face the reality that you are better off without me in your life. That's gotta be the case for me too right? Maybe one day soon I will realise it.

We had such a perfect moment in time. I hoped it would never end. I didn't think about commitment, I didn't think about plans, I just loved being with you. You were my perfect buddy. Sadly I cannot think of you without thinking of that Thursday night when you came round and broke my heart. I realised then that I can't trust you, that I never should have and now I question everything we had together.

I'm broken but I will fix myself, I have to. I miss the person I thought you were and I will for a long time.

Free and single

I've had a really good few days. Work, although hectic, has been good, I've spent time with some really good friends and I'm generally feeling more balanced. My home has become my sanctuary, the place I can escape to and just be on my own in. Keeping things clean and tidy and organised. Over all I have been taking better care of myself; with my diet, getting more sleep.

I knew I had turned a corner when twice last week I expressed gratitude for not having a man in my life. The first was when I overheard a friend of a friend say how disappointed she was that her boyfriend had let her down with weekend plans. The second, when a work friend was mid text fight with her boyfriend (now ex) over his inability to call when he said he would.

Firstly, I felt understanding for these chicks. I know how that dread feels. How let down you feel when you thought he was looking forward to that weekend plan/phone call/time together as much as you were. How  you think you would never put up with this sort of flakiness from a friend so why from the boy you love it's suddenly ok. How it's total double standards because you would never treat him that way.

But secondly I felt relived for myself. Relieved that I don't have anyone in my life I need to worry about letting me down. That I don't make half arsed weekend plans whilst  worrying in the back of my mind that something might 'crop up' for him. If I make plans now I do them, I don't have to rely on anybody else. My days, my feelings, my mood is not influenced by anybody else. I am getting back in control and boy do I like to have to control. 

I feel much like I did when I broke up with Mr Rebellious. I was sad for quite some time with him but I knew he wasn't for me. Or at least he could have been for me, if I had wanted the sort of life being with him would have meant. I couldn't be with someone who sneaks off on a lovely holiday with my best friends to go buy drugs. That's not my kinda style. Just like I couldn't be with someone whose Mum still pays his phone bill. I've begun realising that maybe there is some truth in my Mum's opinion that I had a lucky escape. Perhaps I have escaped a few more months, a few more years or even a lifetime of let downs. 

A lot of my friends have told me how much of a good girlfriend I was. In fact, he even told me that. That skill right there is wasted on someone who doesn't return how I feel about them. Someone one day will be just a good a boyfriend as I am a girlfriend and imagine how amazing that relationship will be.