Dating Anxiety

I've got a date tonight, a Tinder date to be more precise and it's filling me with anxiety.

I met up with the girls the other night. One of them has been unhappy in her job for years but finds the thought of interviewing for a new one flippin scary. That's exactly how I feel about all this dating malarky. I would happily face a super scary interview rather than this date tonight. Interviews and jobs I'm ok at, dating and boys I am crap at. What is all that about?

Quite honestly I can't face another situation where I'm seeing someone, spending time with them and then it doesn't work out. I know that's kind of shooting myself in the foot, you've gotta be in it to win it and all that, but that's just how I feel at the mo. I know this sounds deep but I don't want someone else coming along who makes me lose all sense of emotional control.

I have myself quite a solo routine going on at the moment. I fill my evenings and weekends with the things I want to do with no thought of anybody else. I don't worry if I'm going to be let down by some guy or why he hasn't text back or if all he is interested in is getting some. Sure I want to find someone, a best friend, my very own boy but at the moment I'm happy single and in control. That's right, I just confessed - I am actually happy! 

Purely for the reason of an experience - an online date and potential blog content - I am not going to cancel on this date tonight. As much as I would love to go home after work and watch a film on the sofa in my pjs, I am not going to. I am going outside my comfort zone and meeting a complete stranger for a drink in some bar in London. And what if he cancels? Well that's what I would call fate...

ON IT

I am ON IT. I am focused, I am determined and I am watching every little piece of food that passes my lips. Yes, that's right; I am on a diet.

I don't really want to call it a diet, as every TV dietician will explain, if my weight loss is to be maintained I need to change my whole attitude towards food FOREVER. Not just for a fad couple of weeks. 

I've got some goals. I bought an amaze outfit for a wedding reception I am going to this weekend (if I have to go dateless to any kind of celebration of other peoples love then I am definitely looking hot whilst doing so). And I have my besties wedding in a couple of weeks. Those pictures I will be reminiscing over literally for the rest of my life, so probs best to look my slimmest.

I don't really mean to become a dieting bore and as yet I have refrained from writing anything food related, however, I recognise I need another focus in my life aside from work and what better to be focused on but myself! My new mantra being; healthy body, healthy mind.

I recognise how stereotypical I am; mid-twenties, wine drinker, single and moaning about the size of my thighs. I'm sorry, I truly am. I promise for this here weight issue not to turn into the typical I'm-so-fat-rant. But truthfully, over the last twelve months I have treated food like a boyfriend. We've been spending so much time together, I've been thinking about him all the time, in fact, he's been the highlight of my day. He has quite literally been my only pleasure... But sadly, like all my relationships, it's time to breakup. It's not you, it's me and my uncontrollable reach for the biscuits.

I may jest but it's no joke, I have been greedily over-eating these last few months and more. I love food and I love comfort eating and anything goes; crisps, chocolate, sweets, garlic bread, pizza, fast food, beer... Oh sorry, I was just salivating. But, I have thoroughly enjoyed eating. I have enjoyed letting go, eating what I want when I want and like a true food-aholic my addiction makes me happy. It's just now I have to face the consequences. 

So here goes. I am ON IT. I am self control central. I have my fruit, I have my meal plan for the week and I have an amaze outfit to look my best in. I'll keep you updated. 

To settle or not to settle

I'm contemplating settling. I recognise it's going against all my beliefs and pretty much everything I have been working towards for the past ten tears but I just can't handle the loneliness anymore. I've been weighing up loneliness and perfectness and the scales are becoming imbalanced. Perhaps it's time I just did what I think a lot of other lonely people do - pick a nice guy and just make do with a standard relationship.

Ever since I broke up with Mr Reliable (aged 20, a whole 7 years ago!!!) I have been in persuit of this perfect relationship. I have been holding out with hope that it or he will come along one day. Don't get me wrong, it's not a perfect guy I'm looking for, god knows I'm not that fussy, it's the perfect union thing.

So far I have spent my twenties as an idealist. I have been floating around wanting only the best. Not in a competitive kind of way, just with a you-only-live-once-why-settle attitude. I work hard for all the things I think I want, including this perfect relationship. 

Up until now only one guy has come along who I actually thought could fill that spot. I don't mean it to sound so controlled. The romantic part is that this so isn't controlled; this guy could be anyone! As long as I feel the thing I want to feel then it's possible, he could be (for want of any other words) the one. 

At 27 I find myself doubting all the things I ever thought I wanted. I'm doubting this perfect relationship thing too. Maybe I got it wrong. Maybe it doesn't exist. Maybe I'm running too high a risk at always being single and ending up old and alone. 

I know what your thinking. I'm thinking it too. It's the constant battle going on inside my head; if I am going to settle why didn't I just settle with Mr Reliable. That's the million dollar question. Mr Reliable would have been the most perfect settling down guy, but back at twenty I didn't know this! I wanted to find out, I wanted to take the risk, I wanted to actually get my heart broken (horrific but true, I even wrote it in my blinking diary!). 

If only I could add a voting form on this post, I need advice and opinions! As horric as this sounds, I sometimes feel like I fly the flag for all my in-a-relationshipped friends who sometimes wonder what would have happened if they hadn't settled. Up until now the results have looked good; I eat of Cath Kidston china for godsake. But suddenly this is not enough. I need a companion, a best friend, someone to argue with about wallpaper. Oh god. I think it's time to settle.