Progress. I think.

The last few days have been a bit difficult. For the first time ever I am relieved for it to be Monday, I need the work distraction. 

I wrote the below towards the end of last week when I was in a better frame of mind. Reading over it though has picked me up. That's always a good thing... 

I've been single again nearly two months. I actually feel quite good. Sometimes I feel strong, but obviously sometimes I'm the absolute opposite. A lot has changed for me in the last couple of months. I've moved house, I've lost a bunch of friends, I've become a cat mummy and I've lost 16.5lbs. 

Losing weight has massively helped me feel better about myself. I feel a bit like my 23 year old self and she was really fun. She was fresh out of Uni and fresh out of a messy relationship. She didn't worry about a boyfriend or the future. I like to channel her sometimes. 

As much as I want to eventually be in a relationship and build a life with someone, I realise how lucky I am to have so many friends to share things with and so many friends I know will always be there for me. At the moment I would prefer to put my trust in them as opposed to some boy - it's a much safer bet. I am determined to date soon, I would quite like to get dating again asap to be honest (if only for the free wine). I will approach dating just as I have in the past, one date at a time. I definitely do not want to get carried away into another mess, I want to make sure I keep my heart all mine. I'm not at all ready to trust it to somebody else.

I've learnt quite a few things over the last couple of months. I'm definitely learning how to deal with my anxiety better, I'm living in the moment much more and realising I do not need to let my feelings have so much control over my actions. Of course I sometimes wonder about the future but I cannot let myself worry about that too much. I've been far too busy tackling my broken heart to even have the time to think about the future to be honest. 

Me, me, me, me

I'm alive. Amazingly I have survived my heartache. True to my word I have been focussing on myself. I have lost a stone in weight (Slimming World, not breakup induced anorexia), I've treated myself to a hair colour (money I would have spent on his birthday) and I have two new loves; two adorable kittens.

It's not been a walk in the park. I have had (and still do have) down times, where the feelings of sadness, embarrassment and foolishness are in full force. I just try my best to realise that they are just feelings, that they will go in time and they do. 

Funnily enough my difficult time of a couple of years ago has helped me get through the last couple of weeks. All the things I did to delay myself getting over Mr CBA I have avoided this time around. Momentous are ruthlessly gone, he is blocked from all my social feeds and I have not attempted to be casual by going in the bar. 

I realise that to heel my pain I need to get over him, forget about him and make him my past. A large part of me has done just that and everyday she gets more and more over him. 

Over the last few weeks I have even plucked up the courage to venture back to my old stomping ground, coming face to face with Mr CBA several times. Gratefully, two years on he still appears a little sheepish - maybe he does have a conscience after all. I can only hope that Mr Boy does, I'm not holding out much hope though. He still insists on waving hello to my parents when they pass him in the village. If he had any idea as to how I have been feeling he really wouldn't have the balls. 

In the first few weeks I read a lot of Mindfullness and anxiety books. They helped me realise I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I did and that it will take time to move on. They talk about feeling unbalanced and that when something is removed from your life you need to fill that void. They also really help me to recognise how and why I feel certain ways. When I'm having a particularly anxious moment I try to reason with myself as to why I might feel like that. 

One of my biggest realisations is that ultimately, in life, all I want is to enjoy everyday. I want to spend quality time with my friends and family and make amazing memories. I don't want to waste time crying and worrying. Being with me was no longer fun for Mr Boy, he has grander plans. Therefore I need to focus on spending my time with people who do want to have fun with me; friends, guys or whoever. Sometimes I feel excited about dating again. Not at all for the end result (a relationship - oh boy will it be hard to trust another dude) but for the purpose of fun nights out, lovely dinners and flirty drinks.