'Mugged Off'

Without trying to sound like a nineties chick-lit cliché ; I have major trust issues.

It's never really occurred to me before. In fact, I don't think I had these issues with any previous boyfriend; I always believed what they said to me and trusted them. For the most part this worked well. It worked well until I developed this obsession with being 'mugged off'.

Being 'mugged off' is a term that has been thrown about a lot lately, especially since Lee from Blue led on two relatively unknown glamour models in the Celebrity Big Brother house. But I have been using 'mugged off' long before Casey wailed it in the Diary Room on day 5.

To me, being 'mugged off' means someone (usually a dude) intentionally telling you a porky of which you trustingly believe. It's not until you hear the truth (usually from a completely innocent bystander) that you even realise you have been subject to such 'mugging off'. This leaves you, me and poor glamour model Casey feeling like an absolute idiot. An absolute idiot to have believed a word that came out of his horrible little mouth.

This is where, I think, I then take it to the next level. Following the feeling of foolishness, I then feel like the upper hand is given to the lier/dude/scumbag. That somewhere in the world he will be bragging to his mates about how he played me, he he made me look so stupid! And stupid is the last thing I want to look EVER. This is where the 'mugging off' really gets to me.

I didn't realise any of this until I got talking to my new therapist, er I mean housemate. My new, ahem, housemate listens to me intently as I relay my latest boy stories and how I feel about them. He always offers such sound advice.

Recently I have been talking him through a few boy tales. Tales of guys saying one thing and doing the other. This, to me, is classic 'mugging off'. My fear of being the receiver of such behaviour has led me to dis-trust pretty much anything a boy ever says.

My irrational mis-trust has been even more boosted these last few days when my housemate confessed that boys intentionally tell porkies just to make themselves look good! Now, instead of just mis-trusting their intention with me, their whereabouts on a Tuesday night and if they do in fact even like me, I find myself also questioning their rather gallant opinion on animal cruelty or third world poverty!

I know, I know. I have taken all this a little too far. Sure, it's good to keep your guard up, to protect yourself a little but you have to let go of some craziness sometimes right? Is it a case of trusting until proven guilty or is it more a case of building up the trust. My therapist says trust is something to build and I suppose that's right. Let's just hope I don't find out my therapist has been 'mugging me off' as well.

Dry January vs. Fun January

A little over two weeks ago l set myself just one resolution for the New Year. I resolved to have a lot more fun in 2014. So far my resolution is working out well.

I saw the New Year arrive in the best way possible; I spent it eating cheese with some of my closest chums. We danced about whilst Gary Barlow sang the midnight count down and we played saucy charades. 

I was glad to see the back of 2013. I very much wanted to draw a line underneath all the negativity, drama and general messiness. I welcomed 2014 with open arms. I hoped for one thing - fun. And so far things have been pretty much just that.

Firstly I have become a Cluedo champion. Myself and my housemate have been hosting vintage games nights. After he whipped me at Monopoly I thought I had best hone my skills detective skills and bring Professor Green out to play with the dagger in the bedroom. I invited the folks round last weekend. After we had demolished my speciality lasagne and Mary Berry's Toffee Apple and Pecan pudding, we battled over a few board games. Much fun was had by all.

Besides board games I've been playing a few boy games too. In fact, my poor thumbs have been over worked by all the texting. Texting boys has become my new hobby. This innocent little bit banter has been really comforting and so fun! I have never before realised how much fun I have at the end of my finger (or thumb) tips! Everyone likes a little text; a winky smiley, a few comedy emojis. What a way to brighten your day. It's certainly brightening mine. 

There was other resolution I attempted but failed very miserably at. I attempted dry January. I know, how rediculous. Needless to say I only lasted five days. This resolution very much conflicted with my only other one. How much fun can you have on a bottle of fizzy fruit flavoured water in a bar full of teenagers anyways? Tricky. Also I found my favourite bottle of red made my new texting hobby even more entertaining. My thumbs appear loosened after a glass of wine - my flirt found new boundaries. 

So here's to the New Year. Much fun (and wine) to be had by all.

Marriage

I'm reading Pride and Prejudice. I'd like to boast about my copy being passed down through the generations, but truthfully I got a kindle for Christmas and it's one of the freebies. There are tons of classics available for free download and I am determined to make the most of my two-hour-a-day train/reading time. Anyway, that's by-the-by.

For those of you who don't know the ins and outs of Pride and Prejudice, here goes...

It's around the early 1800's. Miss Elizabeth Bennett and her three sisters find themselves in their twenties and looking for husbands. So far, that's about it (I'm 42% of the way through, accuracy I can only thank to the wonderful people at kindle).

So far, I've learnt that  marriage back in those days was about much more than it is today. Nowadays marriage is about choice or 'marrying your best friend'. It is also much more focussed on the actual wedding day; spending 15 grand to make promises in front of your family and friends, with the back-up of divorce to reassure your doubts. Back in Elizabeth Bennet's day, marriage was equally as un-romantic, revolving mainly around assets and estates.

Jane Austin writes how Elizabeth Bennet is against marrying solely for the reason of money, how she seeks a marriage based more on admiration and love. Elizabeth witnesses her friend accepting a proposal of marriage from a Mr Collins, who in the previous chapter had his same offer declined by Elizabeth. (Oh, obviously there is a Mr Darcy - she has met him and she appears to hate him, but we all know that secretly she is in love with him. I'm yet to reach that part of the book).

So naturally, all this love/marriage talk got me thinking about our choices today and most importantly, my choices. I don't think anyone would admit these-days to marrying their partner solely for the reason of security. In fact, I shouldn't imagine anyone would admit to marrying solely for the reason of love either. I guess realistically it's a balancing act for all the traits you deem important when looking for a partner.

I've thought many times about the presence of perfectly suitable suitors (ha) available to me. I have many very decent guy friends, who no doubt would make the most amazing life partners. I can picture several of them impressing the family at Christmas, proposing in the most romantic way, holding my hand through child birth, picking up the kids from school and treating me to amazing anniversary presents. Thing is, as spoilt as it sounds, that's just not enough for me. I want that extra thing. That thing you read about it books. That connection, the love, the passion. That's why I am single. In a way I guess it's true what everyone says; I am too fussy.

I always joke about being attracted to losers. If you look at my last few boyfriends it is evident. But to be brutally honest, I think there is something romantic about being in love with someone who doesn't tick all those security boxes above. If I love them, I love them regardless of those things. For me, for a long time, love has been the most important tick box of all but perhaps its time to relax that rule a little - maybe I'm making a rod for my own back.

Or perhaps I have even more reason to do like Elizabeth Bennet and stick to my guns. Stick to my guns and keep waiting for this amazing love.