Going with the flow part 2

So I've been asked out on two dates. I bet your thinking 'fantastic! Go get 'em! Do it for us relationship bound bores!'. Well I'm not thinking any of those things. I'm actually thinking that I really can't be arsed. I know I'm being a cow, sometimes I like to be.

I text Mr Double Date on Monday. I just thought I should, it's not like I have loads of offers (well I've got two to be precise). I thought I should just go for it. You know, go with the flow.Then Mr Friends Brother  text and again, I thought 'why not?'. There was some texts back and fourth; I was going with the flow.

Well the flow has now lead me to a decision making crossroads; to date or not to date. Oh god, I am hating having to make any decisions at all at the moment. This one could end me up in all sorts of drama I really cannot be bothered with. Although, one question that keeps playing on my mind is why not? What's an evening out, a drink, some texting? All innocent fun, well it's supposed to be fun even if I'm not feeling it at the moment.

And so, in the spirit of going with the flow I've decided to take these two boys up on their offers. I now have two dates lined up before my holiday #playingthefield. 

London Town

Next week is my three months probation at the new job. Hopefully it will go well, if not I can spend my weeks holiday thinking of an alternative plan, probably involving marrying a rich dude called Pedro. Actually, that sounds quite appealing... 

The new job is going ok, it has it's ups and downs. I think I majorly underestimated how difficult it is settling into a new job. It's like you have to shape everything you've learnt from previous jobs/experiences into the rhythm of the new place. I don't think I'm ever going to allow myself to get as comfortable here as I was in my old job, it makes moving on even more difficult. 

What instantly struck me about my new work colleagues, aka the London folk, is that people do solely come to work to work. Their not bothered about making friends, having a laugh or even making cakes (see, I told you things aren't normal). They come in, get shit done and go home (or to some amazingly on trend bar/restaurant/gig that they read about in the Stylist). Initially I found it a bit odd, I'm used to discussing the latest Kardashian gossip over my Wheetabix, but more recently I've been thinking that perhaps it's a good thing. Maybe it's another lesson for me that it's ok not to be everyone's BFF, that actually it makes it easier to be focused, work hard and get ahead.

Without sounding up my own bum, I think I'm a rarity in London. I'm naturally friendly for one thing and even though I can sometimes be a nasty cow I am quite nice most of the time. I think that's already been noted by my new work colleagues, some of which have already described me as 'the most positive person'. So that's all good, especially when at times I felt the absolute opposite. What comes with being a softy like this though is a hoghtened sensitivity super power. Perhaps this London thing will beat that out of me, maybe it already has a little.

One thing that I always say when friends and family ask me how the new job is going is that at least I'm learning. And it's not just a cliche, it's true. Not only am I learning more about e-commerce, digital marketing and shoes, I am learning loads about me too. I guess whoever said we are always learning is right. That's what I find exciting at the moment, who knows what I'll be doing in another six months. 

The big black cloud

It's no big secret that I've been struggling with things over the last few months. I've been reluctant to write too much about it to be honest. Mainly because I was worried what people would think. I've been unusually guarded about it, even with friends.

You must believe me when I say that I am the first person to question what I have got to feel down about. I have a good job, a lovely home, lots of friends, an amazingly supportive family and above all else; their health and mine. But that's the funny thing about depression, you cannot shake that black cloud, no matter how hard you try. It's not at all about being ungrateful, it's unhealthy thought processes and emotions, both of which are completely uncontrollable.

Personally, I think I've always been emotional and a big thinker. I've written five notebooks full of my worries and woes since I was 16. I think a few months back I was simply going through a really emotional time and it threw me off balance. 

I was starting a new chapter of my life. I'd taken up the challenge and opportunity of a new job, leaving a very comfortable one which I was happy in and where I had made good friends, to push myself and progress. Pretty much simultaneously a relationship came to an end. Wrongly or rightly I had got carried away. I innocently had feelings for him, I liked how I felt with him, I liked spending time with him and most importantly I liked having feelings for someone. That was simply it. But as simple as it seemed to me it seemed extremely difficult for him and predictably it didn't work out (I'm sure you've all read the rest). Then, just as I was thinking how strong I was going to have to be to get through/over all this emotional stuff, I lost my Nan. She was a big part of our family, such a big part of Mum's life, very muchly loved and very muchly missed. Well that sort of tipped me over the edge!

Things were tough. There were moments of desperation and lots of tears. If I wasn't at work worrying about whether or not I'd made the right decision to change jobs, I was alone thinking how lonely and heartbroken I was. And if I wasn't thinking about all/either of the above, I was faced with the loss of my Nan. 

As the weeks have passed by (and I've been dragged to many a doctor appointment by my Mum) things have improved. I am dealing with things much better. I feel more balanced and sometimes happier too, but it's a work in progress, perhaps it always will be. I never understood depression before all this. I didn't understand how it felt, that it's completely uncontrollable and quite scary too. In those moments of madness you lose all sense of reality and the smallest of worries become the biggest, life altering ones. 

I would not have got through any of this if it wasn't for my Mum. She has been the most supportive and understanding person, probably ever. And boy, does all this make you realise who your real friends are. 

Post Date Evaluation

Double-date night was fun. It was a little awkward which was a bit strange but it was ok. My usual defence for awkward situations is to just talk my way through it. And I did. When the evening came to a close my GF said the obligatory 'this was fun, we should do it again' to which I agreed. Since then however I haven't been all that fussed. He was nice, don't get me wrong, but he seemed quite young. I'm just not sure we're on the same page with things and I've tried it with plenty of those guys in the past. It just doesn't work.

A few days later my GF sent me his number saying Mr Double Date had asked for it to be passed along. That's nice I guess but it means the balls in my court; that completely goes against my current action plan of not doing any chasing. Plus, I'm really not bothered enough to do any chasing. Ah well, it hasn't even been a week yet. If I change my mind I can always get in touch. Nothing else to report on any other date action, but that's ok. It's nice to get to know new people but I'm not that fussed at the moment. 

This week I have mainly been enjoying my job (major development, although I don't want to speak too soon) and nesting. My speciality has become late night DIY. I have been spontaneously deciding to put up picture shelves and coat hooks at ludicrous times of the day (and yes, sometimes under the influence of wine). Nothing too challenging I know, but it kind of is without the right equipment. I've really had to put my man drawer to the test (and how far my Dads love will stretch when it comes to rescuing me at 1030 at night with his electric drill). 

I've been thinking about redecorating too. It would be a nice weekend project now that I have both days to myself. Last night I was shopping Ikea's mobile site and taking screen grabs of the bits I like and Pinterest has become my porn. Perhaps I'm channeling all that wasted boy energy into my biggest love; my home. 

Progress... I think

I've been feeling good these last few days. I actually feel a lot more like the old me; works been more stable, I've had less than frequent moments of madness and I'm feeling much better with the whole Mr CBA situation. You gotta take things everyday at a time though. The problem with a good few days means I'll probably have a few bad ones, but we'll see. The good ones are getting better at least.

Tonight's date night. I'm really looking forward to it. There's a lot less pressure on a double date, it's casual, less awkward. It should be really fun. I feel like this is another step to getting back to normal and I  really want to get my flirt on again. 

I'm jetting off to sunny weather in a few weeks (four weeks today I'll be bronzed on the beach, but whose counting?!). I'm spending the week with my bestie. Our plan? Well mostly sunning ourselves, eating lovely food and drinking delicious sangria. I also plan to just chill out and sort myself out once and for all. I want to come back amazing! Like transformed. A bit like that moment in Miss Congeniality when Sandra Bullock struts along after her mamouth makeover! I'm going to be refreshed, tanned and not just back to my old self but an even better version of her! 

I realised the other day I've spent the last six months mopping around over boys, work and life when I should be out there living it. The second half of 2013 is going to be ace. It's not going to be easy but I've got to make it happen. Perhaps sometimes you need to take time out to sort your head out, perhaps I've just been reassessing things these last few months. 

One of the things I found sad about losing my nan was that she always helped me gain perspective. I would go to see her with all these silly problems on my mind but she would just be sat there, not a worry in the world and surrounded by such caring friends and family. It made me realise my worries were so trivial. When I'm 88 I won't give a monkeys about that work problem or how I struggled to pay the bills. All I will care about it is my friends and family and staying awake to watch Home and Away at 6. My nan had so many stories to tell, many of which she told over and over again, I loved that. If she was here now she would tell me to cheer up. Not to worry and have fun. So that's what I'm going to do. Thanks Nanna!

Getting back on the horse

So I need to get back out there. If not to give my hugely dented ego a little boost but to also give myself some hope of there actually being someone decent out there for me. This time however I am approaching things differently. Firstly I am not doing any chasing whatsoever; if he's bothered he'll come my way, I am not twisting anyone elses arm into liking me. Secondly I am keeping a lid on my expectations; no day dreaming of what our wedding would be like five minutes into the first date and no hope of anything turning into something. I am taking these boys for exactly what they are, I am completely going with the flow.

So I have three potentials. When I say potentials I do literally mean potential dates, not boyfriends, not lovers and certainly not future husbands. What I really want right now is a nice evening and some nice conversation. That's it. Full stop. I don't even want any funny business. The thought of all that... ugh. Not bothered whatsoever.

Anyway, so these three potentials...

Mr Double Date
This is an interesting one. One of the girls has just started seeing this lovely new boy who she met out in town (yes, it happens, decent men can be found in The Rose! I know, I know and I was biggest skeptic...). Thing is with lovely boys is that they tend to have lovely friends, or so my friend has led me to believe. I have met him a few times already, but both times I or he was majorly under the influence of alcohol (most probably Jaegermeister). But, these drunken meetings haven't put either of us off. A double date is booked in for this week. I promise to keep you in the loop.

Mr Friends Brother
I know, this never ends well. That's the reason my friend has been fighting this for quite some time, but I am doing my no expectations thing remember? He's single, I'm single, whats the harm in a little drink and a chit chat? It's quite nice to talk to someone new and get to know someone else. My friend has supposedly passed on my number so we'll see.

Mr Suger Daddy
Right, so this one is so unlike me. But this dude is an actual man, like a fully grown adult, interesting no? I really don't fancy him but I'm interested. He's a really good talker and a really good listener. And what do I like best after wine and food? Talking of course! We would get on like a house on fire. Plus he's a man, he would most probably do all the chasing, the planning, the organising - that sounds great right? No thinking about where I should meet him or what time. Actually that sounds amazing, perhaps that should be the third thing I do differently this time around in all this dating business; no organising.

Obviously I am still majorly in love with Mr CBA, I dreamt he came running back to me the other night. Ha, I am bonkers. But I know I need to get over this now. I've reached the point where I realise this is not good for me, I need to start feeling good about myself again and I think going on a few dates and meeting some new boys could help with that. As I said above I am not actively seeking out any of this, I am letting fate work its magic, what will be.

Going with the flow

Sort of had a revelation. Well, it's this week's revelation anyway.

I am a control freak (no, that's not my revelation, I've been aware of this for quite some time, I'm simply laying down the foundations for you). I've mentioned before that I like to plan things, not necessarily the small things for example the food shopping, but those big life things; getting a new car, moving out, career progression. Up until now everything has pretty much worked to plan, lucky ol' me eh? For a little while (mainly my early twenties) I was completely focused on these aims; I was happy for Uni/work to be my priority over boys, I wanted work to be a big, happy part of my life. 

Now however I find myself wanting a bit more than just the 9 to 5 sense of accomplishment. I feel I have now reached a point in my career where I have conquered a massive fear and I'm at a place I always dreamt to be, perhaps now I'm looking for the next big life thing. 

Unlike most of my friends, and probably half of the universe, I'm not dreaming about a boy, about what our future might be like, planning weddings, babies. To be honest, over the last few months I've been completely unable to look any further than the weekend. Quite frankly, who knows what I'll be doing next week or how I'll feel about it. 

Let's just for one minute though float the idea of this being ok. Let's go along with the idea of no self inflicted pressure, no expectations, just plodding through each day, week. Seriously going with the flow. A friend recently pointed out that she doesn't really have a plan or necessarily set herself goals and in my opinion she's doing pretty fantastic. Perhaps this plan thing has worked up until now, maybe now I need to just chill the fuck out. It's times like these I wish I smoked (cigarettes and/or spiffs if you were wondering). It's such a 'go with the flow' thing to do, not to mention relaxing.

I know the grass is always greener (no pun intended), especially for me, I recognise I'm never really satisfied. But i want to know whats next, I want to have hope in something, I want to know I'm moving forward and not standing still. I guess it all boils down to wanting to feel I have more of a purpose in life than to just poodle into work and send a few emails.