You must believe me when I say that I am the first person to question what I have got to feel down about. I have a good job, a lovely home, lots of friends, an amazingly supportive family and above all else; their health and mine. But that's the funny thing about depression, you cannot shake that black cloud, no matter how hard you try. It's not at all about being ungrateful, it's unhealthy thought processes and emotions, both of which are completely uncontrollable.
Personally, I think I've always been emotional and a big thinker. I've written five notebooks full of my worries and woes since I was 16. I think a few months back I was simply going through a really emotional time and it threw me off balance.
I was starting a new chapter of my life. I'd taken up the challenge and opportunity of a new job, leaving a very comfortable one which I was happy in and where I had made good friends, to push myself and progress. Pretty much simultaneously a relationship came to an end. Wrongly or rightly I had got carried away. I innocently had feelings for him, I liked how I felt with him, I liked spending time with him and most importantly I liked having feelings for someone. That was simply it. But as simple as it seemed to me it seemed extremely difficult for him and predictably it didn't work out (I'm sure you've all read the rest). Then, just as I was thinking how strong I was going to have to be to get through/over all this emotional stuff, I lost my Nan. She was a big part of our family, such a big part of Mum's life, very muchly loved and very muchly missed. Well that sort of tipped me over the edge!
Things were tough. There were moments of desperation and lots of tears. If I wasn't at work worrying about whether or not I'd made the right decision to change jobs, I was alone thinking how lonely and heartbroken I was. And if I wasn't thinking about all/either of the above, I was faced with the loss of my Nan.
As the weeks have passed by (and I've been dragged to many a doctor appointment by my Mum) things have improved. I am dealing with things much better. I feel more balanced and sometimes happier too, but it's a work in progress, perhaps it always will be. I never understood depression before all this. I didn't understand how it felt, that it's completely uncontrollable and quite scary too. In those moments of madness you lose all sense of reality and the smallest of worries become the biggest, life altering ones.
I would not have got through any of this if it wasn't for my Mum. She has been the most supportive and understanding person, probably ever. And boy, does all this make you realise who your real friends are.
