After three days of tears, a few text messages where he told me he 'loved me very much', explaining that he simply couldn't get his words out and urging me 'not to worry' we met up to talk. As I expected (and cynically prepared myself for) he still wasn't sure what he wanted, or more precisely how he felt about me. He said he didn't want to lose me but... But. Never good. In the end I had to draw the conclusion, I had to be the one to decide our next move. In the end I had to define my own break up.
I wasn't sure at all how I would cope. I knew it was going to be hard, I had been there before with a guy I felt just a fraction for when compared to my feelings for Mr Boy. I cried hysterically to my Mum (my poor Mum, who always has to pick up the pieces of my broken heart). I barely slept and unusually for me, I barely ate. But, as per the age old saying and many a Pinterest repin, time is a great healer.
After amazing support from truly amazing friends and family, I now realise he was never the guy I thought he was. This hugely helps me not to long for those nights snuggled together on the sofa or the adventures of our Euro Trip. All those times we spent together that I thought meant a lot to both of us turn out to mean nothing to him. After all, he decided to delete me from his life in a just a week of festival fun. I thought he was a straight forward, loving, caring person. I never thought he could be so cruel and inconsiderate, after all, he had insisted we were best friends. Funny that, I don't remember when I last broke my best friends heart.
Because I understand life is short and I'm all Mindfull and stuff, I now realise that I now need to focus on myself. This is now about how I deal with this, how I interpret my feelings. I refuse to spend anymore time on analysing my most recent relationship failure.
That was in fact my first lesson. I realised that was the reason to why I felt so sad. I felt like a failure and I generally do feel like a failure when it comes to the most basic human function; forming relationships. Second to that I felt like a fool, a nieve fool who actually thought this guy reciprocated how I felt about him. I thought what we had was really special, something I hadn't experienced in a long time. Fool.
Lastly I feel angry. Angry that I have amazing memories from the last year that I no longer believe to be genuine, that feel fake, half arsed. Maybe that anger will fade and someday I will be able to think back to Amsterdam, Inter Railing and games nights without feeling like a mug.
My recent Mindfullness practice is bringing me peace of mind. It has helped me to learn that because I feel all these things it doesn't mean I am these things. My feelings of being a failure is my reaction to all this mess and it's ok to feel it, I just need to make a note that these are just feelings. After all no one has ever died from feelings.
