3 years ago my Mum suggested i should go to the doctors for help coping with a few things I was going through. At 26 I found myself challenged by a new job in the city, a job I had been working towards since 18, I was grieving the death of my very beloved Nanna and dealing with all the emotions associated with having a boy break your heart.
I took my Mums advice and for the first time ever confessed to the doctor how I was struggling to cope emotionally. He did what most doctors do and wrote me a prescription, telling me it would take 3/4 weeks for the pills to get to work. 3/4 weeks later and I wasn't feeling any better. I went back to the doctors (under strict instruction from my Mum) and this time was put in touch with a counciling service called Talking Therapy. After an initial face to face session to determine my level of depression and anxiety I was given a regular telephone call slot where I could talk my feelings through with a trained professional over the phone.
Over the next few months I answered so many of those 1-10 scales of 'how often have you felt...' I could predict all of the questions before I was asked, never the less I got on with life. The talking probably helped, as did the drugs but I think I just got better at dealing with my emotion, I just got used to it. I began to understand a little more about myself - I managed to slide that little lid back over the problem.
Over the next 2 years I coped. I met knew people, got involved in a new relationship, I travelled - I was actually loving life. I knew how it felt to be low and lonely, I felt grateful for all the happy times I was experiencing.
It wasn't all rosey, I did have a couple of blips. There was the time I experienced a panic attack for the first time whilst on a train, leading me to go back to the doctors, this time being prescribed anxiety medication. Throughout this time I also continued to suffer from my compulsive hair pulling. But overall I felt good - glad to be on the other side.
After my 28th birthday my life started to change. Within a few months I had sold my flat and moved in to my house (they say moving is 1 of the most stressful things you can do, ever) and I was also broken up with by my boyfriend completely out of the blue -I was heart broken.
Once again I found myself struggling emotionally. Back to the doctors I marched, then straight to the chemist with my prescription slip. This time I knew what to expect, I knew the battle but I also knew some coping strategies.
This time last year I found myself in full swing depression, not that a lot of my friends and even family would know. I had never taken any time of work because of this battle, I never slept in all day, I never broke down in public (with them anyway) - I kept up the facade that I always had.
By December last year my job had also proved to be a challenge. The difficulties in my personal life (and my head) were making coping with work stress difficult. Instead of taking work on the chin I took it home, mulled it over in my mind and cried myself to sleep. Repeating the cycle the very next day. I found myself either at work on a high state of alert for fear of being attacked or at home coming down from the day and sinking into a deep depression.
I knew I had to make a change, so I did. I got myself a new job and I started to work on my endorphin levels by running. Whilst working the 2 months notice period at my job however my depression got much worse. The constant state of anxiety I had gone to work with for 3 years took its toll and in the end I had to take time off. I took 2 days sick whilst under doctors instruction to take at least 2 weeks. I didn't want to hand in the note to work, I didn't want to 'give in', I was worried I would never work again if I did that.
Since March this year my life took a much more positive turn. My new job is in a much more supportive environment. I have far more time to myself, to exercise, sleep and cook. I now spend time and money on hobbies I never would have done before, I have a much greater sense of perspective and awareness of my own emotion.
I do still have difficult days, but I now have a few activities up my sleeve that I can turn to to keep myself from spiralling but I'm still quite secretive about it. I feel a lot of pressure to never appear 'weak' (whatever that means) to anyone. I would never confess to work colleagues or managers the difficulties I sometimes face, I barely talk to my friends about it. I myself find it 'weak' that other people can do that, there's something about keeping a lid on it that I think suggests your a true sufferer (obviously that is the most ridiculous logic ever and written like a true depressive).
Today I battled with lots of feelings and at moments they nearly got the better of me. No doubt tomorrow will be the same - I think that's just who I am. I unfortunately cannot control how I feel, but I can control how it affects me. I can learn new behaviours as a reaction to those feelings, for example I can learn to take a bath whenever I'm feeling lonely instead of crying on the sofa or to colour whenever I am feeling sad.
I'm glad I've learnt these skills and I've experienced these difficulties. Recently I've found it a good way to bond with other people who share similar experiences. I've had such great talks with people who feel just as lonely, sad and worthless as I do sometimes and it's helped me (and hopefully them) to see, just for a second, that they're not quite as alone as they think they are.
My battle is a work in progress but the most important lesson I've learnt is that some days you win and some days you lose but giving up just never an option.
