I'm down at the caravan on the east coast with a bunch of my parents friends and family members. We're celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. It's been quite a big deal, mums been planning it for months. Tomorrow we're all going out for a three course fancy lunch, we've all been instructed to wear our finest, my sister even had her hair done!
I'm not sleeping great at the moment. I think it's because my holiday is looming and I'm doing the typical rush of getting work sorted, worrying about getting all those holiday prep bits done - I'm worrying about leaving my cats for goodness sake!
There is also lack of boy on my horizon. Sometimes they're good for a distraction, a feel-good, a sense that maybe someone out there will eventually be a good one. I duno, feeling a little confused by it all.
My mind has been swarming full of wild thoughts, dreams and anxiety. I haven't seen my councillor in a while due to holidays etc and I won't be seeing her for a few more weeks either. Right now I'm thinking I could do with a chat.
I'm feeling a lot of pressure right now. Pressure to find someone, pressure to get into a committed relationship, to have the wedding, the kids... I feel like I'm not able to do that, as much as I want it all I just don't think I can.
I feel like my circle is small, like really small. I only really have my parents. I keep thinking how much of an awful person I must be not to have a family of my own.
Ok, today has been a down day. This moment in time particularly bad. I blame the booze. I've had drinks the last 3 days! It's really not good for me. How many times do I say this but I continue to drink?! I've also eaten crap. My body feels gross, I feel sick from all the indulgence and my mind is all over the place.
A few days ago I was feeling strong, I was channeling my inner-Beyonce and I felt good. I felt great! But right now I'm feeling really low, really on the brink,
Bleurgh. I hate this. I hate my fucking crazy mind. I can't make sense of it at all. I'm trying my hardest to, every single day. Feels like a losing battle today.
