Recently I have been struck by the amount of advice I have been receiving from friends and family, urging me to 'put myself back out there'. They mean of course, with boys. Personally I could not imagine anything worse than to 1. meet anymore perfectly charming boys that I simply do not fancy or 2. meet another asshole that I do. And that just about sums up where I am at the moment.
Of course I'm not against dating or the potential guy, oh no, I'm just not forcing it. If one comes along then woop-de-do but I will be damned if you find me chasing after it.
I've been thinking recently that work, this career thing, used to be the difficult part. Working hard to get ahead, constantly learning, progressing; it's challenging, tiring and emotional. Well without jinxing what I have at the moment it appears to be a walk in the park compared to relationships and boys. A career is fairly straight forward; work hard, remain focused and ignore the bullshit, eventually it will pay off. I now have faith in that. Boys? I cannot even begin to open up that can of worms and 7:56am is certainly not the right time of day for it.
So that leaves me considering the idea that perhaps I needed this to happen, I needed this difficult boy thing to help me realise the good I can do at work, in my career. I needed some perspective when I started my new work challenge and moved to London. Maybe I needed a distraction from the sheer scariness of it all.
Half of the time I feel strong like this. Half of the time I feel fortunate for all I have, the position I find myself in at 26, not actually needing a man in my life to make any sort of decision. I do what I want when I want to. But it's not easy. It's a constant fight to keep the loneliness and hopelessness at bay, the battle ground on which some good friends are witness to.
Well, today is a good day - I hope.
