After we broke up he got into some trouble, pissed off a lot of his friends and fled the area, setting himself up with a new life the other side of London. You'd think in this day and age it would be impossible to disappear - Facebook, Instagram, Twitter would give the game away, right? Not for this guy. He doesn't do social media, I don't think he even does the Internet. I later found out on Christmas Eve that he doesn't even have a smart phone. Crazy.
So the thing with this guy? Well, he was my second ever boyfriend, he was the rebellious guy I should have dated at 18, not 22. I would go out with him and his friends and lie to my folks about where I was, I would turn a blind eye to all the drug shenanigans and I never really referred to him as my boyfriend until after we broke up. We had a fairly on/off relationship, he would let me down all the time; when I went back up to Uni after nearly a year and half together he would tell me he was visiting, he would tell me he was on his way but he would never show up. I wouldn't hear from him for days. When he did get back in touch he would be full of the 'I'm so sorry, your too good for me blah blah blah'. I would give in after a while and so continued our destructive relationship cycle.
So what was the hook? I honestly do not know. He has always been the one person I just could not help myself with. Every time we hung out I knew I shouldn't, I knew he was nothing but trouble but... I liked it. I liked that he wasn't sensible, responsible, boring - like me. I liked that he poodled through life, treated his friends (at the time) like family, I liked that he didn't care so much about the future like I did. He seemed fun, carefree and totally laid back.
So Christmas Eve, at the pub, in he walks. My tummy flipped. What I do know about him the last few years is that he has been through some really dark times and to be honest, I would never have been shocked to hear that he had done something silly to himself. To see him stroll in the pub just as he used to all those years ago bowled me over. My friend I was seemed just as shocked as I was when I told her I'd spotted him. I've told her so many stories over the last few years but had never been able to put a face to name for her. I wonder sometimes if she ever thought I was making this guy up. Hell, I even sometimes thought I made this guy up.
That's the thing you see. After you break up with someone, after someone who was once instrumental in your life just disappears, all those memories you have together seem odd. All those things that only you two know about; holidays, late night conversations, lovely sexy times, they do not seem real anymore. Just seeing him in the pub, talking to everyone like he had never left made me realise how those two years did actually happen and regardless of how he sees it, they were important.
It took me 10 mins to pluck up the courage to go talk to him. I was shaking like a leaf. Of all the people I get anxiety about bumping into, I would never have put him up on that list. After a little awkward exchange he asked if I was going to be in the pub for a while, he said he would come over for a catch up. I went back to my friends still shaking. Can you imagine the anxiety if I hadn't have had the four vodkas prior to all this?!
After another ten or so minutes he came over and we did in fact catch up. Within just a few more minutes we were talking like no time had passed since we last hung out. He said he hadn't been back for years and he confessed to being worried about the potential of bumping into me - he had not changed one little bit. I asked him why would he be worried about bumping into me. He said he wondered if I had become a bitch and that I might turn on him. Boy, if he could see how hurt I've been over the last few years, he would realise I could never be that mean to him. All the drama we had is nothing compared to my more recent heartbreak.
We reminisced all night. We talked about past holidays, past arguments, about me being so young and hopeful for the future, how I realise now how annoying that is. Funnily enough he recalled things a little differently to me. He remembered me being insecure, something I never like to come across as but something I have realised recently that I definitely struggle with. He said I broke his heart, that he really loved me, that he thought I could be the one to sort him out. I told him that wanted to.
Quite frankly I had the most fun I've had in months chatting with him. I'm not sure if it's because of the closure or the relief that he's doing ok now or what. I do know that I felt nothing but love for this guy, like friendship love. It filled me with such a warm feeling to know that this guy goes about his day to day life with all the fond memories of our time together just like I have. I guess it felt good to know that after all the drama, the tears and the pain, all that matters is the fact that at some point you loved each other and that in itself is pretty flipping lovely.
When the time came to leave I kinda didn't want to. Remember, this was the most fun I've had in months - going back to my mundane life of worrying about how I feel does not appeal. He suggested meeting up for another drink some other time, he offered me his number and just like those times 7 years ago when we first started dating I knew I shouldn't. And, just like all those times 7 years ago I did it anyway. I took his number and I messaged him. Life's short, you gotta have fun, you gotta be a bit irresponsible sometimes.
Funnily enough, just like 7 years ago he didn't text me back. He really hasn't changed one little bit.
