I'm contemplating settling. I recognise it's going against all my beliefs and pretty much everything I have been working towards for the past ten tears but I just can't handle the loneliness anymore. I've been weighing up loneliness and perfectness and the scales are becoming imbalanced. Perhaps it's time I just did what I think a lot of other lonely people do - pick a nice guy and just make do with a standard relationship.
Ever since I broke up with Mr Reliable (aged 20, a whole 7 years ago!!!) I have been in persuit of this perfect relationship. I have been holding out with hope that it or he will come along one day. Don't get me wrong, it's not a perfect guy I'm looking for, god knows I'm not that fussy, it's the perfect union thing.
So far I have spent my twenties as an idealist. I have been floating around wanting only the best. Not in a competitive kind of way, just with a you-only-live-once-why-settle attitude. I work hard for all the things I think I want, including this perfect relationship.
Up until now only one guy has come along who I actually thought could fill that spot. I don't mean it to sound so controlled. The romantic part is that this so isn't controlled; this guy could be anyone! As long as I feel the thing I want to feel then it's possible, he could be (for want of any other words) the one.
At 27 I find myself doubting all the things I ever thought I wanted. I'm doubting this perfect relationship thing too. Maybe I got it wrong. Maybe it doesn't exist. Maybe I'm running too high a risk at always being single and ending up old and alone.
I know what your thinking. I'm thinking it too. It's the constant battle going on inside my head; if I am going to settle why didn't I just settle with Mr Reliable. That's the million dollar question. Mr Reliable would have been the most perfect settling down guy, but back at twenty I didn't know this! I wanted to find out, I wanted to take the risk, I wanted to actually get my heart broken (horrific but true, I even wrote it in my blinking diary!).
If only I could add a voting form on this post, I need advice and opinions! As horric as this sounds, I sometimes feel like I fly the flag for all my in-a-relationshipped friends who sometimes wonder what would have happened if they hadn't settled. Up until now the results have looked good; I eat of Cath Kidston china for godsake. But suddenly this is not enough. I need a companion, a best friend, someone to argue with about wallpaper. Oh god. I think it's time to settle.
