Mr CBA

I have been meaning to write for quite some time. Over the past two months I have actually written several draft posts explaining the situation/my head/my heart, but I never had the inclination to finish them. Some of the writing however was quite good, even if I do say so myself. So to give my broken hearted self her little moment of fame, here's some snippets;

I've been quiet the last week or so. Funny my absence comes after a few smug entries about how good I was feeling about the boy situation. Well, almost as punishment from God, things turned sour last weekend. Surprise, surprise. Over the past week I have quite literally been mending my broken heart, damaged ego and all round confidence when it comes to the one thing in my life that i have absolutely no control over; men. 

What a hard pill to swallow; to be told you are just not amazing enough and that he simply doesn't like you enough...  I think I kind of needed him to be honest and blunt with me though, to sort of shock myself into the reality of this really not working.

I don't think I have felt rejection quite like this. Obviously we have all experienced boy rejection at some time in our lives; school playground, first crush, one night stand you thought meant much more... Previous relationships of mine ended because of me, because my feelings changed, I instigated it or I made the decision. This situation has entirely ended because this guy was simply just not that into me.

The biggest upset for me isn't the fact that I won't be hearing from him pretty much everyday or seeing him once a week... The thing that makes me the saddest is that I feel such a fool. I feel such a fool for letting my heart rule my head, yet again. I thought I had learnt that lesson back with Mr Rebellious. I feel a fool for ignoring all the warning signs, all the He's-Just-Not-That-In-To-You signs that I pretty much wrote the rules for. I feel a fool for thinking this was anything more that what it was.

So your pretty up to speed? For the last two months I have been battling all sorts of other drama too, drama that I really do not want to bore you with right now. I have also been struggling to get back to the old me. You know, the one who would be texting loadsa boys and not give a teeny tiny shit.

Thing is I feel like a lot has changed since then, I'm a birthday older for one thing and all my friends are actually pairing off and talking about living together, weddings and caravans (that's another story). All of a sudden I find my irresponsible boy stories from last year all a bit out of place. People aren't finding them entertaining anymore, I actually think people are starting to pity me and my single existence. Which is all fine of course because quite honestly I pity myself too. To be brutally honest I also feel a bit embarrassed. I feel like people are beginning to wonder what is wrong with me that I cannot seem to find and hold on to a man. 

My old routine/life feels so alien. Driving into work, chitchatting about him all day and worrying about weather he's text or not, it all seems such a long time ago. I still obsess about him of course but just in my head, at least then I have no witnesses to my crazy. I still see him too which is absolutely heart breaking. The only saving grace is that he has no idea. He is so stupid he would never notice how upset I was, even if I served him his pint in floods of tears.

I think its getting easier though. I still think about him when I'm trying to get to sleep and I have moments of madness where I wish I could text him to tell him I miss him, but then my brain kicks in to protect my heart and says that there's just no point, he literally CBA. Then I begin to feel the idiot again who once upon a time thought he did care. And so the crazy kicks in...