Chat got even more serious when he admitted to wanting to be apart of my life. He said he was sorry for all the drama he put me through, he said he's not the same person he was...
The explanations went on. I replied with honesty. I told him that I had only ever seen the good in him but he continued to hurt me, I explained that several boys since him have done the same and that has really affected me. I told him I don't trust my own judgement anymore, that I don't feel good about myself, that I really struggle to trust him even as a friend.
Messages went back and fourth. Him saying he doesn't want to cause me any hurt, he said he always has been and always will be in love with me. Crazy right? Totally.
Being so honest with him has made me feel so much better about the situation. I flat out told him that we couldn't have the sort of relationship I need, I told him I am done with this pattern of falling for guys who are so opposite me. I know now that I am so attracted to those care-free, lazy guys because I hate the pressure I feel to be successful. I look for an outlet from all that pressure with these guys, but by their nature these guys cannot give me the stability that I also need - they are too just too care-free.
All of this has made me feel on a high. It doesn't matter what Mr Rebelious says how he feels, it doesn't matter if I believe it or not - all that matters is how I feel. I feel better this week than I have in months, 6 months to be more precise. I've realised that I am better on my own right now. I want to meet people, I want to have fun and go on dates but I'm not sure I want a relationship for a while. I mean that, if I didn't I wouldn't feel so good right now.
I miss what I had with Mr Boy everyday. I will always love him, I will always love all my ex boys. Those connections I had with those boys were real, they were special. Sure they weren't marriage material but they're a few of the most special relationships I have ever had. Yet...
