A Crazy Blast From The Past

I saw a ghost on Christmas Eve. During festive drinks with friends at my local, I saw Mr Rebellious. I have not laid eyes on him for 5 years. I haven't heard a scrap of information about him for four - much to the dismay of my usually successful investigative skills.

After we broke up he got into some trouble, pissed off a lot of his friends and fled the area, setting himself up with a new life the other side of London. You'd think in this day and age it would be impossible to disappear - Facebook, Instagram, Twitter would give the game away, right? Not for this guy. He doesn't do social media, I don't think he even does the Internet. I later found out on Christmas Eve that he doesn't even have a smart phone. Crazy.

So the thing with this guy? Well, he was my second ever boyfriend, he was the rebellious guy I should have dated at 18, not 22. I would go out with him and his friends and lie to my folks about where I was, I would turn a blind eye to all the drug shenanigans and I never really referred to him as my boyfriend until after we broke up. We had a fairly on/off relationship, he would let me down all the time; when I went back up to Uni after nearly a year and half together he would tell me he was visiting, he would tell me he was on his way but he would never show up. I wouldn't hear from him for days. When he did get back in touch he would be full of the 'I'm so sorry, your too good for me blah blah blah'. I would give in after a while and so continued our destructive relationship cycle. 

So what was the hook? I honestly do not know. He has always been the one person I just could not help myself with. Every time we hung out I knew I shouldn't, I knew he was nothing but trouble but... I liked it. I liked that he wasn't sensible, responsible, boring - like me. I liked that he poodled through life, treated his friends (at the time) like family, I liked that he didn't care so much about the future like I did. He seemed fun, carefree and totally laid back.

So Christmas Eve, at the pub, in he walks. My tummy flipped. What I do know about him the last few years is that he has been through some really dark times and to be honest, I would never have been shocked to hear that he had done something silly to himself. To see him stroll in the pub just as he used to all those years ago bowled me over. My friend I was seemed just as shocked as I was when I told her I'd spotted him. I've told her so many stories over the last few years but had never been able to put a face to name for her. I wonder sometimes if she ever thought I was making this guy up. Hell, I even sometimes thought I made this guy up.

That's the thing you see. After you break up with someone, after someone who was once instrumental in your life just disappears, all those memories you have together seem odd. All those things that only you two know about; holidays, late night conversations, lovely sexy times, they do not seem real anymore. Just seeing him in the pub, talking to everyone like he had never left made me realise how those two years did actually happen and regardless of how he sees it, they were important.

It took me 10 mins to pluck up the courage to go talk to him. I was shaking like a leaf. Of all the people I get anxiety about bumping into, I would never have put him up on that list. After a little awkward exchange he asked if I was going to be in the pub for a while, he said he would come over for a catch up. I went back to my friends still shaking. Can you imagine the anxiety if I hadn't have had the four vodkas prior to all this?!

After another ten or so minutes he came over and we did in fact catch up. Within just a few more minutes we were talking like no time had passed since we last hung out. He said he hadn't been back for years and he confessed to being worried about the potential of bumping into me - he had not changed one little bit. I asked him why would he be worried about bumping into me. He said he wondered if I had become a bitch and that I might turn on him. Boy, if he could see how hurt I've been over the last few years, he would realise I could never be that mean to him. All the drama we had is nothing compared to my more recent heartbreak.

We reminisced all night. We talked about past holidays, past arguments, about me being so young and hopeful for the future, how I realise now how annoying that is. Funnily enough he recalled things a little differently to me. He remembered me being insecure, something I never like to come across as but something I have realised recently that I definitely struggle with. He said I broke his heart, that he really loved me, that he thought I could be the one to sort him out. I told him that wanted to.

Quite frankly I had the most fun I've had in months chatting with him. I'm not sure if it's because of the closure or the relief that he's doing ok now or what. I do know that I felt nothing but love for this guy, like friendship love. It filled me with such a warm feeling to know that this guy goes about his day to day life with all the fond memories of our time together just like I have. I guess it felt good to know that after all the drama, the tears and the pain, all that matters is the fact that at some point you loved each other and that in itself is pretty flipping lovely. 

When the time came to leave I kinda didn't want to. Remember, this was the most fun I've had in months - going back to my mundane life of worrying about how I feel does not appeal. He suggested meeting up for another drink some other time, he offered me his number and just like those times 7 years ago when we first started dating I knew I shouldn't. And, just like all those times 7 years ago I did it anyway. I took his number and I messaged him. Life's short, you gotta have fun, you gotta be a bit irresponsible sometimes. 

Funnily enough, just like 7 years ago he didn't text me back. He really hasn't changed one little bit.

Four Months On

It's been nearly four months since Mr Boy broke up with me in my kitchen, out of the blue, on a random Thursday night. Since I last posted I have completed #100DaysOfHappiness, lost more weight (some people actually describing me as skinny!) and I have started to see a councillor. My new focus is me. I'm trying to get good sleep, watch the alcohol intake and be kind to myself. I've been spending time with friends and family, watching movies and generally enjoying having my house to myself.

Over the last week or so I've actually caught up with a couple of friends I haven't spoken to for a while.

My relationship with the Uni girls is a little complicated but we've been friends nearly ten years. We lived together when were just learning what it's like to be an adult, we've shared many a boy problem and many drunken nights. Whilst in Manchester those three years, these girls were my family. In general I do feel in quite a different stage of my life compared to them. They are really settling down and looking forward to their near distance future of babies and marriages. I suppose it's fair to say I've been reluctant to explain to them my latest relationship break up, especially after telling them nothing but good things whilst I was with Mr Boy.

Last night I caught up with one of them for post-work drinks. It turned out to be really good to talk the past 6 months through with her. Both my Uni girls were surprised when I told them my story - that always helps me to see that it was ok in being shocked too. My friend last night said it was a shame I had invested all that time and effort into something that ended so abruptly - she hit the nail on the head. I explained that at least I've learnt some lessons about guys, her response was 'yea, like you didn't know all that before'. Again, totally right - I've met my fair share of unreliable dudes.

I apologise for still to be rambling on about this four months on. One big worry of mine is that people think I should be over all this by now, that I should be like 'Mr Boy who?' and already be on to the next. I'm sure a few of my friends think that what I had with him isn't anything to miss, especially as some of my friends are dealing with breakups where they were planning their future with these dudes; but the trouble is you just can't help how you feel. If I could I would definitely not still be thinking about it all.  He really hurt me and it takes time to get your head around all that. I'm getting there though.

Good Change

A couple of things have really stood out in the last few months. Pieces of advice I have received, conversations that really stuck to me and that I hope to take forward into the next chapter.

The first one came from my Mum. During one of our late night chats about the mistakes I keep making in relationships, she told me she was furious with the most recent boy. She explained why she was so mad; she felt his actions had made me question myself again, impacting my objective train of thought. She assured me that I had not done anything wrong. She said I was good to him, I was faithful and that the only thing I might be guilty off is that I was so in love with him. And when has that ever been a bad thing? That's a beautiful thing. This chat really helped me see that the break up of our relationship was all down to him, there wasn't anything I could have done to protect my heart. I innocently and quite lovely fell in love with him.

The second piece of advice came from a work friend only last week. One lunchtime I was explaining that for me to truly move past all this I want to know he has regrets. That in itself is a bit narcissistic from my own point of view but nevertheless my very wise and straight thinking colleague helped me see that to admit you've made a mistake to the one person who it affects the most takes such courage. Something I honestly don't think Mr Boy has.

So that's that. These two nuggets of straight forward thinking have helped me out from many a dark moment and I'm sure they will continue to do so over the next few weeks and months.

This weekend marked a milestone. My housemate of two years moved out; pretty much to the date that he moved in. Instead of feeling sad and lonely I'm really looking forward to my time alone on my house. Financially I'm finally at a place that I can comfortably live on my own - that feels amazing. Also for various reasons I don't think I am lonely in my house.

Recently I've been putting myself out there again, chatting to boys, even having a little flirt. It feels good to be doing that all again, I'm actually excited about dating.

The next couple of months are kinda the build up to Christmas and then the new year. I love the new year, a fresh start. I plan to enjoy the next few months, spend as much quality time with my friends and my family as possible and to really rest up. I want to start 2016 off in the best frame of mind as possible.

Throwback To My Broken Heart

I wrote this ages ago. Way back in August but I've just found it and I thought it pretty much summed up exactly how I felt at he time. So, unashamedly, here is my heart laid bare:

I feel like I'm missing a body part. Something's missing from me. I'm ashamed to admit that it's you. I'm ashamed because you can't possibly feel the same way as me. I'm ashamed to feel so strongly for you as I do.

Sometimes I wonder if I am romanticising our time together, if I always did see you with rose tinted glasses. I don't know what's worse; feeling as strongly as I do about missing you or the idea that I am making more of it than what it was.

I already feel stronger without you than I did with you. The way I gave you so much of my heart worried me. This was my biggest fear realised yet I am doing good.

Initially I didn't get in touch with you in the hope that without me in your life you'd realise how much you missed me and how much of a mistake you have made. But as time has gone on I realise that if you did feel like that then you'd be in touch. Now I face the reality that you are better off without me in your life. That's gotta be the case for me too right? Maybe one day soon I will realise it.

We had such a perfect moment in time. I hoped it would never end. I didn't think about commitment, I didn't think about plans, I just loved being with you. You were my perfect buddy. Sadly I cannot think of you without thinking of that Thursday night when you came round and broke my heart. I realised then that I can't trust you, that I never should have and now I question everything we had together.

I'm broken but I will fix myself, I have to. I miss the person I thought you were and I will for a long time.

Free and single

I've had a really good few days. Work, although hectic, has been good, I've spent time with some really good friends and I'm generally feeling more balanced. My home has become my sanctuary, the place I can escape to and just be on my own in. Keeping things clean and tidy and organised. Over all I have been taking better care of myself; with my diet, getting more sleep.

I knew I had turned a corner when twice last week I expressed gratitude for not having a man in my life. The first was when I overheard a friend of a friend say how disappointed she was that her boyfriend had let her down with weekend plans. The second, when a work friend was mid text fight with her boyfriend (now ex) over his inability to call when he said he would.

Firstly, I felt understanding for these chicks. I know how that dread feels. How let down you feel when you thought he was looking forward to that weekend plan/phone call/time together as much as you were. How  you think you would never put up with this sort of flakiness from a friend so why from the boy you love it's suddenly ok. How it's total double standards because you would never treat him that way.

But secondly I felt relived for myself. Relieved that I don't have anyone in my life I need to worry about letting me down. That I don't make half arsed weekend plans whilst  worrying in the back of my mind that something might 'crop up' for him. If I make plans now I do them, I don't have to rely on anybody else. My days, my feelings, my mood is not influenced by anybody else. I am getting back in control and boy do I like to have to control. 

I feel much like I did when I broke up with Mr Rebellious. I was sad for quite some time with him but I knew he wasn't for me. Or at least he could have been for me, if I had wanted the sort of life being with him would have meant. I couldn't be with someone who sneaks off on a lovely holiday with my best friends to go buy drugs. That's not my kinda style. Just like I couldn't be with someone whose Mum still pays his phone bill. I've begun realising that maybe there is some truth in my Mum's opinion that I had a lucky escape. Perhaps I have escaped a few more months, a few more years or even a lifetime of let downs. 

A lot of my friends have told me how much of a good girlfriend I was. In fact, he even told me that. That skill right there is wasted on someone who doesn't return how I feel about them. Someone one day will be just a good a boyfriend as I am a girlfriend and imagine how amazing that relationship will be.

Progress. I think.

The last few days have been a bit difficult. For the first time ever I am relieved for it to be Monday, I need the work distraction. 

I wrote the below towards the end of last week when I was in a better frame of mind. Reading over it though has picked me up. That's always a good thing... 

I've been single again nearly two months. I actually feel quite good. Sometimes I feel strong, but obviously sometimes I'm the absolute opposite. A lot has changed for me in the last couple of months. I've moved house, I've lost a bunch of friends, I've become a cat mummy and I've lost 16.5lbs. 

Losing weight has massively helped me feel better about myself. I feel a bit like my 23 year old self and she was really fun. She was fresh out of Uni and fresh out of a messy relationship. She didn't worry about a boyfriend or the future. I like to channel her sometimes. 

As much as I want to eventually be in a relationship and build a life with someone, I realise how lucky I am to have so many friends to share things with and so many friends I know will always be there for me. At the moment I would prefer to put my trust in them as opposed to some boy - it's a much safer bet. I am determined to date soon, I would quite like to get dating again asap to be honest (if only for the free wine). I will approach dating just as I have in the past, one date at a time. I definitely do not want to get carried away into another mess, I want to make sure I keep my heart all mine. I'm not at all ready to trust it to somebody else.

I've learnt quite a few things over the last couple of months. I'm definitely learning how to deal with my anxiety better, I'm living in the moment much more and realising I do not need to let my feelings have so much control over my actions. Of course I sometimes wonder about the future but I cannot let myself worry about that too much. I've been far too busy tackling my broken heart to even have the time to think about the future to be honest. 

Me, me, me, me

I'm alive. Amazingly I have survived my heartache. True to my word I have been focussing on myself. I have lost a stone in weight (Slimming World, not breakup induced anorexia), I've treated myself to a hair colour (money I would have spent on his birthday) and I have two new loves; two adorable kittens.

It's not been a walk in the park. I have had (and still do have) down times, where the feelings of sadness, embarrassment and foolishness are in full force. I just try my best to realise that they are just feelings, that they will go in time and they do. 

Funnily enough my difficult time of a couple of years ago has helped me get through the last couple of weeks. All the things I did to delay myself getting over Mr CBA I have avoided this time around. Momentous are ruthlessly gone, he is blocked from all my social feeds and I have not attempted to be casual by going in the bar. 

I realise that to heel my pain I need to get over him, forget about him and make him my past. A large part of me has done just that and everyday she gets more and more over him. 

Over the last few weeks I have even plucked up the courage to venture back to my old stomping ground, coming face to face with Mr CBA several times. Gratefully, two years on he still appears a little sheepish - maybe he does have a conscience after all. I can only hope that Mr Boy does, I'm not holding out much hope though. He still insists on waving hello to my parents when they pass him in the village. If he had any idea as to how I have been feeling he really wouldn't have the balls. 

In the first few weeks I read a lot of Mindfullness and anxiety books. They helped me realise I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I did and that it will take time to move on. They talk about feeling unbalanced and that when something is removed from your life you need to fill that void. They also really help me to recognise how and why I feel certain ways. When I'm having a particularly anxious moment I try to reason with myself as to why I might feel like that. 

One of my biggest realisations is that ultimately, in life, all I want is to enjoy everyday. I want to spend quality time with my friends and family and make amazing memories. I don't want to waste time crying and worrying. Being with me was no longer fun for Mr Boy, he has grander plans. Therefore I need to focus on spending my time with people who do want to have fun with me; friends, guys or whoever. Sometimes I feel excited about dating again. Not at all for the end result (a relationship - oh boy will it be hard to trust another dude) but for the purpose of fun nights out, lovely dinners and flirty drinks.