Closure

It's nuts that I still get nervous about visiting the pub after all this time, isn't it? Well I know it is. Dr Anxiety would tell me it's the fight or flight reaction; adrenaline pulsing through my veins preparing me to either fight to stay alive or run. Well, my body was not made to run, god gave me a mouth for a reason, so I guess fighting it is.

For months I've been tackling this allergic reaction to that place. I try not to totally avoid it because I want to get over it, facing up to this problem will surely help me. So, to follow the advice in all anxiety manuals I must outline what exactly the problem is. 

I love going in that place. I see lots of familiar faces, I chitchat with old friends who still work there and gossip with the regulars. Also, that place holds so many memories; summers spent working long hours to save for University beer money, arguments and flirtations wih Mr Rebellious and after hour laughs with the local drunks. Just being in that place reminds me of good times; it's lovely, and it's comfortable.

So why the anxiety issue? 

Perhaps it's Mr CBA. That's the most obvious explanation. Just seeing him there reminds me of everything I felt all those months ago; the good feelings and the tearful ones. I've come to terms with things so slowly but I think I'm doing good, I don't want a set back. Maybe seeing him will stir up old feelings I'd rather not remember. 

Or maybe not. 

Maybe seeing him will make me realise how strong I am now, how much time has gone past, how I'm in much a better place now. All of this is counting on the fact he will actually be there, propping up the bar, still in his work clothes, on his sixth pint (can't you see what I found so attractive about him?!). Even if he isn't there, my anxiety can still be influenced by the stories people tell me about him or what I over hear. If i find out he's been seeing somebody else or is in a really good place right now I will feel like I meant nothing, I'll feel used and absolutely fooled by all his bullshit. Told you it's nuts.

Question now is, why does all the above even affect me? Why do I even let it? 

For a little while I was totally not incontrol of my emotions, I was really low, I had sort of lost touch with reality. Back then I didn't know how to think or feel for one minute to the next. Back then, someone merely mentioning his name had me having an anxiety attack. I don't want to go back there. 

Maybe there is also a little part of me that thinks if he sees me he'll realise what he's missed. What if I stroll in looking HOT and he's all like 'Man, I fucked up'. That would be the bomb. I do sort of want that. I want him to feel as shit as I felt for all those months. Nasty isn't it. I can totally be a horrible bitch. 

More than all of these things, I want to be able to visit my lovely pub and not feel a nervous wreck. I want to be able to smile nicely, maybe have polite conversation and be totally unaffected. That's the unfinished business, that's the closure I need. Maybe tonight's the night I finally draw a line under all this.

P.s. fancy catching up on all Mr CBA related posts? Take a peek here, but remember, no judgement...