Work is one big chunk of my life that I find challenging when I'm feeling like this. Having to go in and do a good job, not least just being on top of things, is not easy. To ease the pressure I tell myself to not worry about doing a great job but to just do the essentials, no need to load myself down with extra pressure of trying to impress people.
It can be difficult to get stuff done at home after a long day of trying to keep motivated at work, but I've read some really good advice on this. They say to just set yourself the smallest of tasks, once you complete these you get that sense of achievement which boosts your self esteem, hence that feel good feeling.
Last night I recycled a load of old magazines and catalogues. Tonight I am going to collapse the clothes horse that hangs about it my living room all bloody week. If I'm feeling particularly accomplished after that I might clean the bathroom. I did say 'might', no pressure or anything. Oh and certainly no crisps for dinner, although I do have a taste for thyme flavoured chicken with a side of humous. They're not wrong those clever people at Walkers; this combo really is a taste sensation.
There is one thing playing on my mind, I didn't want to write too much about it because it's confusing but perhaps I need to get it out of my mind. I've even been struggling with my own personal journal recently.
So you know Mr Double Date? Well we went out again last week. In the build up to it I was a little excited (well, as much as I can be at the mo). I was looking forward to another nice evening chit-chatting and getting to know him some more. I kind of got the impression that he has his own issues at the mo too. If you add his confused mind to mine you've got yourself some messed up conversation. And it was. Conversation was a little odd.
Since we went out last I hadn't heard from him so the other night I messaged just asking how his week was. His reply was really down, which I could kinda understand. There were a few more tennis texts all along the same lines. I SOS text a gal pal exclaiming that he seemed weird and that I am weird enough without any added external influences. She suggested putting a stop to the whole dating thing, but since then he has asked if I want to go out again. Do I? I'm not sure.
Since we went out last I hadn't heard from him so the other night I messaged just asking how his week was. His reply was really down, which I could kinda understand. There were a few more tennis texts all along the same lines. I SOS text a gal pal exclaiming that he seemed weird and that I am weird enough without any added external influences. She suggested putting a stop to the whole dating thing, but since then he has asked if I want to go out again. Do I? I'm not sure.
When I think more about it (which I constantly am, obviously) it crosses my mind that it's probably not him at all. I don't think I want to get involved with anyone. Even if the man of my dreams strolled along right now I think I would find something wrong about the situation, cling on to it and eventually use it as an excuse to dump him.
But you see, this is where it gets complicated, because in the same breath I don't want to be alone either. Gosh. Can you see how my little fucked up brain works now? I feel too fragile without hope of my current situation changing. A friend at work also suggested I should knock this Mr Double Date thing on the head, but you see it's not as simple as that. It's flipping symbolic now because this exercise was ment to be me getting back out there. Now it just feels like another boy disaster. Oh tits.
