A little while ago I became obsessed with failure.
Since discovering I was a teensy bit ambitious at the age of 20 I started setting myself little goals; I set my mind on getting my car when I graduated Uni, then I decided I would move out when I was 25. This past year I have been loving my lifestyle whilst also trying to figure out my next move, my next goal.
For a little while I felt proud that I had achieved those things but also a little deflated when I started to discover things were not exactly how I imagined they would be. Of course I knew my car was a little expensive, but I hadn't realised quite how much I would be spending on tyres/tax/petrol. When I moved out I knew it was going to be difficult, I knew I would have to go without some luxury's like clothes, holidays and even hair appointments, but I hadn't realised just how hard it is to go without all that stuff. I didn't expect to be constantly weighing up the importance of a new mascara over a loaf of bread.
Sometimes, during very down times (you know the times you usually have one week a month, at 12 at night, whilst struggling to get some sleep) I felt like I had very much failed. I felt like my idealistic little brain had set myself too high expectations, that things like managing my money and trying to get ahead at work were too difficult and I thought about completely giving up and moving back in with the parents. I briefly mentioned in a previous post my consideration of a career change from Digital Marketer to Shelf Stacker. Admitting defeat. Giving up. Failing.
Why is this such a big deal to me? I don't know. I don't feel this pressure from anyone other than myself; I set myself these expectations, I beat myself up. I came across this article today and considered that admitting failure could be a good sign of your character, showing that you have the strength to take risks and your proud of that, even if you do fail. I guess my view of failure is a really negative one and I have too much pride, I guess I care too much what other people think.
I'm not much of a risk taker; I don't bet, I don't make rash decisions. I think every big life decision through thoroughly before taking a particular route and I look out for positive signs from the universe (it sounds nuts but its true, I always see good signs). Perhaps I am not a risk taker because I fear failing.
Maybe I should try to take more risks, to live a little on the dangerous side. I'm not talking driving without a seat belt or having wild, unprotected sex with strangers, I mean considering that a high risk factor in those big, important life decisions could actually make things more interesting. Better yet I could end up in a place greatly exceeding my original expectations, even if I do fail along the way.
