50 Shades of Single

You can tell a women's relationship status by her reaction to the newest 50 Shades of Grey ad. Excitement, distraction and lust equals married or might as well be and/or no longer having hot sex (if any sex at all). 'Meh', 'looks good' or 'he reminds me of Dan from the gym' uttered from the single and dating girls who, since the last movie came out, have been reenacting the most infamous scenes with their latest Tinder flings.

Sweeping statement? Possibly. Ringing home just a little? Most likely. 

Throughout my twenties I have undertaken many an investigation into the lives of my monogamist girl friends. I've been fascinated by sneak-peeks into their relationships; the pros and the cons, the good bits and the bad bits. All because you see, I am extremely concerned with weather or not I myself made the right call in my early twenties to be single and to enter the adult world of dating.

My latest observation stems from the reaction in the office to the new 50 Shades Darker film trailer. The girl who was most excited by this has been with her now fiancé for 10 whole years (by the way, she's 1 year younger than me - how are we even old enough to be with someone for 10 years?!). The hottest section of the ad being Jamie Dornan, erm sorry, Christian Grey slamming Anastasia Steel up against a wall in the shower, all naked and kiss-y and stuff. Their reactions made me wonder if these women (who have already marked the release on their calendar for Feb 14th next year) have ever even experienced sex in the shower in real life, let alone all that kinky stuff Mr Grey gets up to in that Red Room.

This isn't me confessing to all that I've been up to all that S&M type stuff. It's more me confessing to feeling quite satisfied with the sexual adventures I've experienced so far in my twenties. To bring it back to the pros and cons of marriage vs. single, I truly believe that I've had more sex than a lot of my relationshipped girl friends. And believe me when I say that says more about the state of their sex lives than the busyness of my bed. 

Maybe I'm wrong? I hope to god I am. I believe sex is such an important part of a relationship. It's intimacy at its best. It's love and friendship not to mention lots and lots of fun. Everyone knows it's always the best when it's with someone you love. If I had that on tap I certainly wouldn't waste that opportunity.

Let's hope 50 Shades Darker injects a bit of spice into the sex lives of these marrieds and that Ann Summers sees the same increase in sales as it did 3 years ago. Not just for the sake of those adorable battery powered rabbits but for the sex lives and sanity of those woman longing for a little Christian Grey in their lives.

Depression and anxiety: here's what I know

3 years ago my Mum suggested i should go to the doctors for help coping with a few things I was going through. At 26 I found myself challenged by a new job in the city, a job I had been working towards since 18, I was grieving the death of my very beloved Nanna and dealing with all the emotions associated with having a boy break your heart.

I took my Mums advice and for the first time ever confessed to the doctor how I was struggling to cope emotionally. He did what most doctors do and wrote me a prescription, telling me it would take 3/4 weeks for the pills to get to work. 3/4 weeks later and I wasn't feeling any better. I went back to the doctors (under strict instruction from my Mum) and this time was put in touch with a counciling service called Talking Therapy. After an initial face to face session to determine my level of depression and anxiety I was given a regular telephone call slot where I could talk my feelings through with a trained professional over the phone.

Over the next few months I answered so many of those 1-10 scales of 'how often have you felt...' I could predict all of the questions before I was asked, never the less I got on with life. The talking probably helped, as did the drugs but I think I just got better at dealing with my emotion, I just got used to it. I began to understand a little more about myself - I managed to slide that little lid back over the problem.

Over the next 2 years I coped. I met knew people, got involved in a new relationship, I travelled - I was actually loving life. I knew how it felt to be low and lonely, I felt grateful for all the happy times I was experiencing.

It wasn't all rosey, I did have a couple of blips. There was the time I experienced a panic attack for the first time whilst on a train, leading me to go back to the doctors, this time being prescribed anxiety medication. Throughout this time I also continued to suffer from my compulsive hair pulling. But overall I felt good - glad to be on the other side.

After my 28th birthday my life started to change. Within a few months I had sold my flat and moved in to my house (they say moving is 1 of the most stressful things you can do, ever) and I was also broken up with by my boyfriend completely out of the blue -I was heart broken.

Once again I found myself struggling emotionally. Back to the doctors I marched, then straight to the chemist with my prescription slip. This time I knew what to expect, I knew the battle but I also knew some coping strategies. 

This time last year I found myself in full swing depression, not that a lot of my friends and even family would know. I had never taken any time of work because of this battle, I never slept in all day, I never broke down in public (with them anyway) - I kept up the facade that I always had.

By December last year my job had also proved to be a challenge. The difficulties in my personal life (and my head) were making coping with work stress difficult. Instead of taking work on the chin I took it home, mulled it over in my mind and cried myself to sleep. Repeating the cycle the very next day. I found myself either at work on a high state of alert for fear of being attacked or at home coming down from the day and sinking into a deep depression.

I knew I had to make a change, so I did. I got myself a new job and I started to work on my endorphin levels by running. Whilst working the 2 months notice period at my job however my depression got much worse. The constant state of anxiety I had gone to work with for 3 years took its toll and in the end I had to take time off. I took 2 days sick whilst under doctors instruction to take at least 2 weeks. I didn't want to hand in the note to work, I didn't want to 'give in', I was worried I would never work again if I did that.

Since March this year my life took a much more positive turn. My new job is in a much more supportive environment. I have far more time to myself, to exercise, sleep and cook. I now spend time and money on hobbies I never would have done before, I have a much greater sense of perspective and awareness of my own emotion.

I do still have difficult days, but I now have a few activities up my sleeve that I can turn to to keep myself from spiralling but I'm still quite secretive about it. I feel a lot of pressure to never appear 'weak' (whatever that means) to anyone. I would never confess to work colleagues or managers the difficulties I sometimes face, I barely talk to my friends about it. I myself find it 'weak' that other people can do that, there's something about keeping a lid on it that I think suggests your a true sufferer (obviously that is the most ridiculous logic ever and written like a true depressive).  

Today I battled with lots of feelings and at moments they nearly got the better of me. No doubt tomorrow will be the same - I think that's just who I am. I unfortunately cannot control how I feel, but I can control how it affects me. I can learn new behaviours as a reaction to those feelings, for example I can learn to take a bath whenever I'm feeling lonely instead of crying on the sofa or to colour whenever I am feeling sad.

I'm glad I've learnt these skills and I've experienced these difficulties. Recently I've found it a good way to bond with other people who share similar experiences. I've had such great talks with people who feel just as lonely, sad and worthless as I do sometimes and it's helped me (and hopefully them) to see, just for a second, that they're not quite as alone as they think they are.

My battle is a work in progress but the most important lesson I've learnt is that some days you win and some days you lose but giving up just never an option.

This is not a break up survival guide

So your boyfriend suddenly drops the 'I don't want to be with you anymore' bombshell. Completely out of the blue, completely left field and you find yourself feeling...

1. Like shit

2. That you can't go more than 3 seconds without picturing his face and feeling your tummy flip over

3. Like your best friend has dropped off the face of the earth/died

4.  Anxious whilst wondering how you'll make it through the next 5 minutes, let alone the week of work you have to show up for

This is not a how-to guide to help you survive your breakup. I'm not going to reassure you that you'll feel better in a few days, nor that you'll feel better in a few weeks. Not that you won't - you might. What's important right now is how you feel in this very moment, because really that's all you have.

'You'll get over it.' Quite possibly the worst combination of words to say to anyone mid-emotional turmoil. Particularly a turmoil created by a boy who you're still in love with. Mainly because you don't want to get over it - you don't want to be in this situation at all, let alone have to face getting over him.

I'm hoping my next statement won't make you feel worse... I just don't think people ever get over it, not really anyway. Every experience in life sticks with us, they affect us in so many ways. Particularly the experiences where your heart, your trust and your friendships have been broken. 

Now I'm not saying that's a bad thing. There's all those Pinterest quotes aren't there; 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger', 'no rain, no flowers', 'pain is fuel'. Maybe there is some truth in that. Maybe one day, a few years from now, he'll cross your mind and you'll notice how thankful you are to have experienced what you did with him. Then again, maybe there will be moments when you equally miss what you had. Who knows. It really is a mystery but once again, the future doesn't help.

I've already set the expectation with you that this is not a survival guide. However (come on, it's a very small however), I will say this:

Nobody knows how to help you feel better. You don't even know what it will take to make you feel better. But as sure as day follows dawn, time carries on. The hours, days and weeks will go by. Those will be filled with life stuff. Stuff that puts a distance between you and him (and I know you don't want that distance but you have to give it a go, you don't really have a choice). 

Quite honestly I'm not really sure what happens after that. I guess it's just life. Life that you can't even begin to imagine right now I'll bet, next week probably feels a lifetime away. 

If, at the very least, this post has distracted you from your painful heart just for the length of time it has taken for you to read, then perfect. I can feel like all the heartache I felt by being broken up with by my ex-boyfriend was totally and honestly worth it.

Insomnia

It's 1:08am, I've been trying to sleep since 11pm. I think I've slept a bit but I've now go the point where I am frustrated, my hands are itching (this is a weird thing that keeps happening when I can't sleep) and my mind is full of crap.

I'm down at the caravan on the east coast with a bunch of my parents friends and family members. We're celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. It's been quite a big deal, mums been planning it for months. Tomorrow we're all going out for a three course fancy lunch, we've all been instructed to wear our finest, my sister even had her hair done!

I'm not sleeping great at the moment. I think it's because my holiday is looming and I'm doing the typical rush of getting work sorted, worrying about getting all those holiday prep bits done - I'm worrying about leaving my cats for goodness sake! 

There is also lack of boy on my horizon. Sometimes they're good for a distraction, a feel-good, a sense that maybe someone out there will eventually be a good one. I duno, feeling a little confused by it all.

My mind has been swarming full of wild thoughts, dreams and anxiety. I haven't seen my councillor in a while due to holidays etc and I won't be seeing her for a few more weeks either. Right now I'm thinking I could do with a chat.

I'm feeling a lot of pressure right now. Pressure to find someone, pressure to get into a committed relationship, to have the wedding, the kids... I feel like I'm not able to do that, as much as I want it all I just don't think I can. 

I feel like my circle is small, like really small. I only really have my parents. I keep thinking how much of an awful person I must be not to have a family of my own. 

Ok, today has been a down day. This moment in time particularly bad. I blame the booze. I've had drinks the last 3 days! It's really not good for me. How many times do I say this but I continue to drink?! I've also eaten crap. My body feels gross, I feel sick from all the indulgence and my mind is all over the place.

A few days ago I was feeling strong, I was channeling my inner-Beyonce and I felt good. I felt great! But right now I'm feeling really low, really on the brink,

Bleurgh. I hate this. I hate my fucking crazy mind. I can't make sense of it at all. I'm trying my hardest to, every single day. Feels like a losing battle today. 

I'm Actually Dating

I'm dating a new guy; Mr Actually. It's a bit of an odd one for me, it's easy, a slow burner but actually, Mr Actually seems quite kind, actually.

I met him way back in February and he was one the crops I've been farming for the last few months. I've been having fun with the dating game and I am still having fun, I am definitely in no rush to fall into anything. In fact, I'm not I will ever let myself fall for anyone again. I don't even think that's a bad thing.

Recently I've been chatting to the younger girls at work about their dates and guys. They all get so excited and are so 'loved-up', I'm not sure I will ever feel like that again. I simply do not trust myself, I don't trust my own judgement. I've fallen for the wrong guy three too many times. 

As sad as it sometimes feels, to be all emotion-less, I do feel more in control, more sensible and less likely to put up with nonsense from these boys. It's going to take a real good one for me to trust and fall in love with, unfortunately for them it's not going to be an easy think but maybe I've fallen too easily in the past, maybe I was too naive and too in love with the idea of being in love. 

I can't spend too much time worrying about how I feel. My feelings are my feelings, I can't change them, I just have to roll with it. Plus I'm actually going away to Ibiza next month. I have a bikini body to work on, actually.

Grow Your Own: New Dating Rules

My dating game has never been so good. It's been so good I've had to nickname it. My dating game is now called farming - myself being the farmer, these boys the crops. And boy oh boy, do I have a lot of vegetables a-growing.

If I were to count there would be at least 5 I am texting, snapchatting or Instagram flirting. These are the new tools of choice. Facebook chat is so 3 years ago. Tinder is a little old hat too now. I actually think the traditional meeting-people-on-nights-out is coming back. There's the meet, the number swap, the whatsapping, the snapchat and then a few weeks/months to the first date.

My crop is a mix of new meets and friends-of-friends. Most of which I am snapchatting with (I've been told by a 24 year old that my snapchat game is on point). Not all of my crops I have dated yet. I'm just sowing the seeds, putting on a little fertiliser, waiting until it's good enough the harvest...

I last dating two years ago. Back then I thought my skills were good, but I've recently evolved a few new ones. Here goes my revamped dating rules: 

Rule number 1: Opportunity knocks

Since my last boyfriend I've kept a list of every guy I've come across who I believe to be interested. Ok, so this might say more about my massive ego than these guys... but I believe there to have been a few. 

I've kept a record of every guy to have asked me out, regardless of whether I took up the offer and also a record of every guy I think had a flirt with me. It's really helped me see that opportunity really is everywhere, no matter how unemployed, unattractive or unsuitable he may be. When you really start to think about it, you get offers all over the place, sometimes you just don't see it. Go grab a pen and write your list. Delve into the real depths of your dating memory. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Rule number 2: Don't be hasty

In the past I've been known to grab the ball by horns and go with my gut instincts; all or nothing. But let's face it, that hasn't got me very far. So instead, I'm doing the absolute opposite.

Now if someone is having a little flirt I totally entertain it, even if I'm not quite sure. I go with the flow for as long as possible, dragging out the texting before the first date, dragging out my replies and being the most aloof I have ever been. Not only is aloof along the lines of the classic treat-'em-mean-keep-'em-keen technique but it's also a really good way of sussing out the situ. It gives you time to figure out exactly what it is that YOU want and how you're going to play it. 

Recently I've been out and had a jolly nice evening with many a guy who I would in the past have simply tossed to the 'no' pile. I never gave these guys a chance, so now I'm making up for it. 

There is a line here though. There's not being hasty and then there's using the guy. Try not to do the later, it's mean and quite honestly really bad dating karma. It will come back to date you.

Rule number 3: Keep schtum

It's all well and good to gossip to your girls about the number of guys you're whatsapp dating, but never, NEVER confess to the guy. Not only does it make you sound a bit free with the emojis, but it most definitely will not make him feel good. Him not feeling good equals a no-go for any future flirt. Imagine if you were into a guy only to find out he's been snapchatting you the same pics he sends another girl... Not nice right?  

I have never been so cool on the dating front. I've never been so open minded, so carefree and have so many options. This is what dating should be about; being single and weighing up your options. In the past I've been so eager to jump into a guy I click with using the excuse that 'it just doesn't happen to me that often' but if I really REALLY think about it, I've clicked with quite a lot of guys over the last 10 years, maybe it's not just about the click.

Anyway, gotta go. My crops need a little attention.

Bitches and Fakers

I can't stand two faced people. Like I really can't stand them. I honestly believe that if someone is a bitch enough to put someone down, find the balls to say it to their face. 

I particularly hate two faced girls, they are the cruelest. Two faced girls do it to be liked, they're insecure and to feel better about themselves they put other people down. I've worked/studied in fashion retail for 10 years, I've met many an insecure bitch. 

Obviously everyone vents about other people, I can't claim to have never had a moan about someone else, maybe even a friend, but I would never slate a friend behind their back and be nice to their face. If I didn't like them enough to slag them off I would not be friends with them in the first place. 

The thing about two faced people that gets me the most is the lack of sincerity. How can I ever trust anything they say when they are quick to put someone else down? How can I ever be sure that person wouldn't turn on me in just the same way? 

All this is important to me because relationships are important to me. My friendships, my family - my complete support system is what literally gets me through life. I can't let fake, two faced, insincere people in my circle, it hurts me too much and over the last five or so years it has hurt me so much. 

Recently I was told that I can appear rude - initially this really upset me. I only ever want to get along with everyone and I would never intentionally be rude... Well, I would never intentionally be rude unless it was necessary, unless I was sticking up for myself or someone else I care about. I think I'm fair, I give people a chance, I don't follow other people's opinions, I speak as I find. 

For a while I was hating on this part of my personality, I was wondering if I was to blame for all sorts of fallouts and conflicts that I've experienced. But I've realised that's a good part of my personality, it's an honest, moral outlook. I'm extremely straight down the line, trustworthy and full of integrity. Nothing will ever come before those values.