I have a good excuse... promise!

Sincere apologies for my absence over the last week or so. I have been majorly swept away with all the Christmas festivities; work parties, lots of shopping, putting up my decs. I suppose you could also blame my absence on the completion of my Christmas Misson. Yep, that's right, I completed my mission to snog my crush and things are actually going quite well. I'm a bit reluctant to write about this one though. Firstly, I don't want to jump the gun (you know me, all or nothing) and secondly, what if he saw this?! Massive red face for me. I will give you some juice though, I've just got to be sketchy.

Blondie is doing well with her Christmas Mission. Even though we still need to clarify what exactly we meant by 'action' she is well into lot's of text-flirting with a boy from work. With her Christmas party happening this Saturday night, the term 'action' might have a very different meaning - here's hoping.

KK is very surprisingly struggling with her Christmas Mission to pull Italian Stallion. She was out last weekend but he wasn't. Good job though, she has since told me she was 'too drunk for the game anyway'. KK is on babysitting duties for her niece this weekend and therefore cannot accompany us to The Rose (which is open until 4 this Saturday night - absolute Rose 'till close). This means her only opportunity to complete her Christmas Mission will be next weekend. No pressure or anything KK.

So you want to know more about my crush? Well I'll give you a little juice. He is very cute, I am being very cool as a cucumber and we've been out a few times. We'll see, we'll see...

Christmas Missions

I've been a bit quiet this week. This crush situation has developed a little and I am trying my very hardest to keep my true neurotic-self from surfacing and generally fucking things up. Instead I am channelling the cool as a cucumber, confident girl I was in the beginning of this thing. After all, she gets much more attention from the boys than me.

The girls came round last week for Magic Mike night and it stirred so much emotion that we decided we needed to set ourselves missions to complete before Christmas. You know, to get the ball rolling on all this boy stuff. We have quite creatively titled these deadlines as our Christmas Missions.

KK's Christmas Mission: to get with the Italian Stallion she always sees out in town who she is majorly in lust with. She thinks he is 'out of her legue' but we think she's nuts.

Blondie's Christmas Mission: due to the of late dry spell for Blondie when it comes to anything boy we set her the simple mission of getting any action of any sort. 

My Christmas Mission: to snog my crush.

After our Rose free weekend last weekend KK is yet to get her mission underway (although she has undergone some FB stalking, obviously). She is being unusually shy with her Italian Stallion. I am thinking she will back on form this weekend though, think of all that pent up Game that needs releasing. Oh gosh.

Blondie on the other hand is doing quite well. As we were not so specific about the details of Blondie's mission we've come across a little grey area. Blondie has actually seen quite a bit of action this week, mainly number swapping, texting and work flirting, but action all the same. Therefore technically she has completed her Christmas Mission. I've said we need to reassess her mission and set some proper ground rules. Blondie has actually had a pretty good week and all this action comes after she was the ultimate wingman to me last Saturday night. She has been keeping us up to date with her action over our favourite from of communication - FB chat;
Omfgggggg omg omg that guy just walked into work with me and asked for my number arrrrrgh x

She continued to write;
Omg I'm actually cringing. The whole way into work I was just chatting away (like I do) and then when we got here he goes 'so I've been meaning to ask u something, are u single and can I get ur number' hahaha now I feel all awkward haha. He's quite hot actually.

Ever since then my FB inbox has been flashing constantly, full of updates from Blondie on this guy front. Plus she tells us she has had more interest from other guys at work;
Omg omg omg haha girls I think I am giving off vibes or something

 I think this all makes for a very interesting work Christmas do for Blondie in a couple of weekends time.

And my Christmas Mission? Well I'm working on, I'm working on it. It's only a snog - I do that most Saturday nights with randoms right? So it's gotta be easy (see how cool and breezy I am being? On the inside you know I am completely freaking out, doing cartwheels and giggling like a school girl in the highest possible pitch that can only be heard by really starving Lions of the Serengeti and birds).

I have a crush

Remember the guy I briefly mentioned on the bottom of my post earlier in the week? Yea well, unsurprisingly I have gone full steam ahead into full crushing mode. It is not pretty.

The thing with this guy started months ago. Myself and the girls would entertain him and his mates with our Game exploits and at the time I had no interest in him. There was a little bit flirting, but again, I wasn't interested so I just had a laugh with it. Then the girls encouraged me a little; "He looked at you with love in his eyes!" You do not say this to a boy-bipolar sufferer. This is like a truck load of food to a binge eater or a free bar to an alcoholic. Obviously I fell of the waggon. I started thinking perhaps I do like this guy and perhaps he fancied me back.

I was being cool in the beginning. We exchanged numbers quite coolly, I was even doing a bit of negging which seemed to infuriate him a little. Then I had my Game-free week. I stopped texting Jumper Josh, no more Oil stories and definitely no thinking about new guy.

But then, just as I was writing him off and returning to full health he text me out of the blue. We had a little chit-chat for a day or two and a little bit of text flirt. It was going well, I was being so casual. Then there was the disaster of last Saturday night. Previously I had said to him that I wasn't going out as a part of my laying low thing, but after my family do from hell (which you can catch up on here) I desperately needed the comfort of the Rose and a couple of Jaegerbombs. Amongst all the arranging plans, pre-drinks and heels I dropped him a little text (see how cool I am being?) saying we were now heading out if he fancied it. One text lead to another; he was going to come out, then he wasn't. In the end he didn't.

Sunday I saw him briefly but things were weird. Usually he makes an effort to chit-chat with me and the girls but no, not this time. I was alright with it. Obviously I felt a bit like a dick, like I had been too eager the night before in getting him to come out with us. The girls thought it was weird. So all week I've been trying to figure the situation out; does he fancy me? Was I too eager? What should I do now?
By Thursday I decided it would be a good idea to text him. I blame Brooke, the weekend feeling and my coffee high. There was a little texting but nothing juicy; boring.

Right. I have concluded I am being too available. I am no longer that cool thing from right at the beginning, I have slowly morphed into my actual neurotic self that no guy will ever fall in lust with. Brooke says* I am thinking too much about it all, but hello, I think about everything too much, how else would I create all the content for this?! If I didn't play the Game I would be on the back foot. The news is everyone plays.

If I strip this situation down to it's bare bones it looks like this:
He was a little bit interested because I wasn't. He got a little bit encouragement of off me (the number exchange) and KK (the 'I think she would be interested' chat). Then I took it too far, I went all boy-bipolar on him and showed too much interested. He loses interest because no one ever fancies the one they can get, it's the challenge we love. The less interested he is the more interested I am.

From now on my game plan is this; completely no interest in him but absolute interest in everybody else. Let's face it, it's worth a go. I've already lost my insanity, what else is there to lose?


*I like that I refer to Brooke as the oracle - I think she will like this too ;)

The meaning of the flirt

Lunchtime yesterday I was at the checkout in Clinton Cards finding myself enjoying a little joke with the slightly balding, salt-and-pepper haired sales assistant. Upon leaving the shop Brooke exclaimed; "Is their anyone you won't flirt with?!"

I quickly jumped to my own defence, explaining that to me this was not flirting. There was definitely no suggestive jokes, no eyebrow raises, I don't think I even held eye contact (these are clearly my most obvious flirting moves). To me sharing a little joke with a checkout person/bar worker/random in a club is just polite, perhaps even a nice way to bring cheer into someones day. I would actually communicate like this to anyone. Hell, I would even strike up banter like this with a girl!

But Brooke says it was all in my tone of voice. My tone of voice was suggestive, not what I actually said. She went on to say he probably wanted to 'do me'. So firstly this got me thinking about different flirting techniques and then secondly what it means for guys vs. girls.

This is not the first time I have been labelled a massive flirt. Blondie and KK say when I am working behind the bar there isn't a man in the goddam place that I do not flirt with. This is the girl who nine months ago didn't even know how to flirt, I woudn't have even recognised if I was being flirted with. Clearly I have come along way.

OK, so techniques. Well as I discoverd yesterday tone of voice is a biggy; it's not what you say it's how you say it. For example, the following phrases I say quite frequently at the pub and they tend to raise a little smirk on the face of the man of choice; "Would you like a large one?" "How are your nuts?" and my personal favourite "Would you like something to nibble on whilst you wait?". I suppose I say all of the above with a hint of sarcastic, sometimes dead-pan and almost always with an underlying presence of sweet and innocence. Perhaps that's the recipe for the tone of voice flirt.

Along with tone of voice there is the very often discussed form of flirting; banter. I first came across 'banter' in my second year of uni. SR began major flirts with the rugby boys and inparticular the rugby captain and often told us how much she loved his 'banter'. 'Banter' was discussed so much that the rest of us girls couldn't bare to hear the word even whispered by the time we reached our end of year exams. But 'banter' has recently made a come back. KK even messaged me yesterday to say she had been flirting with a couple of 18 year olds; 'Not to sound big headed but I think my best pulling skill is my banter', Of course it is, good 'banter' out weighs everything else. I like to think anyone could woo David Beckham with good 'banter' even if you were wearing your sweaty old pj pants, most favourite holey vest top, with no bra.
Obviously there are a load of other techniques, most of which I am still completely unaware of. Here are a few good'uns:

Eye Contact - love this, especially when the other person feels a little uncomfortable or they lose their train of thought. Do try, it's hilar.

Hair Twizzling - I am frequently accused of pulling this move but in fact I have an undiagnosed, uncontrollable anxiety disorder which means I am constantly twlizzling and pulling out my hair. Therefore tread carefully this one.

Negging - obviously learnt to us from Neil Strus and his book The Game. Insulting your boy or girl of choice just enough for them to think your not interested. It will drive them a little mad thinking that your not at all interested and everyone knows the age old beast of wanting things you can't have...

So is flirting different for guys vs. girls? I think so. I believe girls flirt a lot. I am definitely guilty of flirting with waiters (one particular visit to Pizza Express with my oldest bestie springs to mind - I saved us a tenner on the bill!), car mechanics ('could someone help me with my car?' cue the hair twizzle and the eye contact) and I even like to flirt with the geeky boys who come in the pub because I like to think it makes them feel good.

Guys on the other hand I am not sure. Obviously there are the extremes; the guys who flirt with anything moving vs. the guys who can't even look at a women. But, I believe if a guy is flirting with you then he kinda is interested. Correct me if I am wrong but I believe a guy wouldn't bother to be witty, charming and even think of things to say to a girl who he wouldn't want to get with. It's that simple.

Guys don't use flirting to save money on restaurant bills for the risk of looking like a cheapskate, they wouldn't play the damsel-in-distress card to car mechanics for the risk of looking 'gay' and they definitely wouldn't flirt with the geeky looking girls just to make them feel good. They flirt to get their end away. It's the he's-just-not-that-into-you rule.

Game free? Well almost

So where were you at six o'clock on Saturday night when I SOS text KK and Blondie;
Seriously, this family/baby shindig really isn't my scene. I'm guna have to get wasted tonight

I was mid family get-together, where conversation revolved around dirty nappies, X Factor and boring married life. This was when I could even hold a conversation over all the screaming children. I have nothing in common with these people, someone please ask me about something normal. You know, what my thoughts are on the new Marvelle baby announcement perhaps or what my preference is; Brazilian or Hollywood.

Therefore, I am sure you will agree that I had no choice but to rush home as soon as I could, swing by Tesco for a bottle of Chardonnay and down two thirds of it before the girls were even round. By 1130 I happily found myself at the bar in the Rose ordering the second round of Jaegerbombs.

I did quite good Monday to Wednesday. I did actually feel like a hermit at the beginning of the week; work, home, bed, work, home, bed and so on. Thursday night I was working, that cannot be helped and also, I sort of get paid to flirt with the boys so that's fine. By Friday I was knackered but was seeing Mr Robbie Williams at the O2 so obviously made the effort. By the time Saturday came I felt like I needed the comforting crowds of The Rose; I feel at home in my towering heels with a face full of makeup and a belly full of wine.

I had quite good game too actually. I was full of confidence and got talking to some good looking boys, striking up conversation about the length of time they spent blow-drying their immaculate barnets. When KK suggested Embassy (think Save the Last Dance but with a lower ceiling and lots of blue strobe lighting) I thought it was a fabulous idea!

And it was. I had a really good night. Do you know why? I couldn't have cared less. I wasn't bothered about trying to look good or making the eyes across the crowded dance floor. Screw it. Screw them! If they are interested let them make the move.

This sort of brings me on to a little bit of boy gossip; this one I think I actually like a little but I have to tread very carefully - the ones I like never work out. Therefore I am going to keep it very vague, in the hope to save my embarrassment when it doesn't work out. I am getting very mixed signals of off one boy; clear IOIs one minute then nothing the next. I am confused. My game knowledge is causing even more confusion, therefore I am continuing to play it cool. Will keep you posted here. It's still very early days.

Going on Game Va-kay

So I had a fairly event free weekend. We went out in to town on Saturday night, making it the tenth weekend in a row we have inhabited The Rose and had the obligatory weekend Jaegerbomb. I wasn't really feeling it though. I don't think any of us were.

Blondie spent Saturday-day at some family do, always a drain on the emotions. KK started the evening at an Ann Summers party then met up with an old gal pal, aka The Ultimate FPUA. We met up with KK at about 11, she was well on her way to drunk, however by 1:30 myself and Blondie were in the taxi home, armed with a footlong subway and a big-long rant about our favourite subject - boys. Sunday KK visited me at work looking a little down; she appeared to have the same attitude towards the night as me.

I don't know why we have all had a change of heart. There was FB inbox chat about the Game having beaten us, but I like to look upon it like we are just taking a holiday. I think I need a rest from the boy-thing, time to chill-out and not obsess about my next move or his. I feel like I need a little time to re-coup, slow down and do a little me time. I can't say I am not going to flirt - it appears I have become a natural at this, but I am not seeking boys out, texting or FB chatting. Nope, boy-free zone. Instead, this week I will mainly be; writing my Christmas cards, watching Home and Away and ironing.God knows where I will get my inspiration from to write this.

I have even decided not to go out next weekend. Asides from the feeling no game thing I think it might be good for the bank balance too, not least forgetting my liver. Perhaps a few quiet weekends will do wonders for our game, perhaps the next time we go to the Rose all our game super powers will have mounted up and we will have the most amazingly successful night.

I might need to ask a favour of you? Next Saturday night, at about 11, can you make sure I'm not in a taxi heading into town?

The new rules of dating

I've been meaning to post some sort of dating guide for the 21st century for sometime. Not that I'm a genius in this area, obviously, but all these new fangle-dangle forms of communication have definitely thrown up some new ways of doing things.

During my most impressionable teenage years I spent a lot of my time involving myself in the dating conversations of Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha. They spent hours deliberating across morning-after brunch over weather to call the guy or not - this was long before texting, facebook and probably even mobile phones. Back in the day if you broke up with someone you probably had a good chance of never seeing them again, EVER. Nowadays every newly single person finds themselves at the do-I-delete-them-on-facebook crossroads. All these new social issues is what has inspired me to look into the new rules of dating; it's a dating evolution.
The first very important rule is Facebook. Facebook is actually quite a good tool as you can use it for various different flirting methods. I have been known to refer to facebook as my very own match.com. It's fantastic for flirting, it really really is.

Firstly there is the stalking. Facebook stalking is the secret guilty pleasure for everyone with a FB page. This is probably the sole reason we're all on the flippin' thing, well that and to show off how witty you are and how amazing you look pouting in pictures before your night out (just me?). Through a good stalking session you can remind yourself what he looks like, check out his fit friends/ex-girlfriend and see where he went on holiday in 2010.

If the stalking is successful this leads on to the friend request/not request dilemma. I have previously stated that I tend not to add boys on FB. To be honest, the boys I have come across of late are all too eager to do the adding. Regardless of weather you add/accept/not add/decline you can still partake in what I think is the best tool on FB for flirting; the inbox message.

Inboxing is soo good these days. With all this smart phone nonsense, getting an inbox message is pretty much the same as texting only you've side-stepped the awkward number swap scenario. I love a good inbox flirt; it's noncommittal, quick and just soo bloody easy!

Asides from the traditional phonecall, texting is probably the oldest form of flirting these days. Don't get me wrong I love a text flirt too; a well formed witty text with a winky face thrown in is probably my staple move. More recently I have discovered that the wait-twenty-minutes-before-replying thing no longer stands. Texting has got fast and short. Oh god, I don't even know where to begin on the put a kiss/not put a kiss, I think that's your call.

Over the last few years, there have been new additions to these mobile messaging shenanigans, this in the form of BBM, Whatsapp, Viber... the list is probably getting longer as a type. The down side of these app forms of instant messaging is most have the facility to tell if someone has read your message and not replied; talk about encouraging you to turn into that psycho girl you try so desperately not to be; 'I know Luke has read my message - why has he not replied? WHY?!'

On the plus side, these free instant messaging services enable you to also send pictures. The days of paying £1.50 to send an MMS message from your old Nokia 3310 are over. Why pay when you can send a saucy snap over BBM and follow it up with a raised-eyebrow smiley for free?! Happy days. Perhaps this was the real reason behind Blackberry developing this application. But please be warned, if your sending a new guy snaps (which they are increasingly asking for BTW) be wary about including your face in the frame; it's much easier to deny that it is actually you if it's just your boobs. Well, that is unless everyone knows about your third nipple, if that is the case then your fucked.