Anyway, conversation with the barmaid/former colleague, and the regulars propping up the bar, went a little like this;
Barmaid: "So, how's the love life?"
Me: "Non existent"
BM: "Oh really?"
I sensed some sarcasm.
Me: "Yes really. Although I did meet a nice guy last night..."
BM: "So what about Mr CBA?"
Me, a little taken aback: "Who? The Mr CBA who drinks in here?" She nodded "Er no."
BM: "Really? Because have you forgotten that my mum lives next door to his mum? They talk."
Oh shit. I have always been suspicious of this. Play it cool. Play it coooool (oh and I also forgot we were 12).
Me: "I have no idea what your talking about." When it doubt outright deny EVERYTHING.
BM: "That's funny. He says exactly the same thing..."
What. The. Hell.
Me, cool, aloof and unalarmed: "You spoke to him? What does he say?"
BM: "He's equally as vague as you."
Interesting.
She went on to say: "I heard he was seeing one of the girls from the pub. I think it was you."
As I had been rumbled and I had an audience, I did the only thing that I know how to in this sort of situation; I played the upper hand.
Me: "Well we did hang out for a bit but he didn't want anything serious. He's not really..." My audience were enthralled. The regulars at the bar were on tenterhooks. Now was my moment to address the rumours all under my control. "...he wasn't looking for a relationship and I'm just not that kind of girl." I could have stopped there; adult, mature, on the fence. But I didn't. Oh no, I had to stick the knife in; "Oh well, his loss. More fool him!"
Thankfully this was met by a few knowing smiles, a couple of 'here, here's' from my beer pulling sisters and I'm sure I heard a 'too right' from a regular. Then I quickly added; "And now I think I better run before he strolls in and the atmosphere gets awkward. Bye!" And thats what I did, run.
I think my little outburst earnt me a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T from my younger counter parts, who would have probably put up with being treated like a dormat much longer than I did. It also made me realise how trivial this whole drama is for anyone but me. To them it's a little pub gossip, who's shagging who and all that. To me it's the most tragic love story since Romeo and Juliet. Why has this got to me so much? And why, nearly five months on is it hot topic of conversation, blog content and drunken tears?
What is it about this douche bag that means I cannot just add him to the pile of discarded losers? I torture myself daily, mentally replaying the whole entire disaster over and over in my head. Desperatly searching for the thing I did wrong to make him quite literally CBA. Perhaps I'm trying to get to the bottom of it so I can avoid a situation like this again. Maybe my little heart and damaged self esteem can't take a repeat of this.
The thing now is, I do have a few other boys to text, to potentially date and I'm really not bothered. Am I just protecting myself or am I genuinely not interested. I'm definitely not being forward with these boys, I've learnt not to put myself out there too much. But am I being too aloof? Jeez, I never thought I'd say that about myself.
One things for sure, you can't put your finger on the reason why you fall for people and I have no idea why I fell for him. Also I don't fall that easily, I've genuinely liked only a few guys my whole entire life. Maybe that's why this has been so hard, I'm always holding on to the teensiest bit of hope that it wasn't all for nothing.
