Generation Gypsy

A friend just sent me this very interesting article. If you don't fancy the read (although I highly advise you should) it pretty much explains why our generation, generation Gypsy (nothing to do with big fat weddings), find themselves unhappy despite all the successes we have experienced. The article uses this amazing equation:

Happiness = Reality - Expectations

This equation made so much sense to me that I kinda found myself wondering why I hadn't come up with it before, which nicely leads onto the point of Gypsy's being delusional... I also enjoyed the Facebook Image Crafting. 

Mostly I loved the article. It was scarily relevant. I am a generation Gypsy, my parents are Baby Boomers and my Grandparents were WW2 survivors. I do have unrealistic expectations with regards to my overall life, I like to think I am 'wildly ambitious' and I confess that I am deluded when it comes to life and mainly my relationships. 

However, I am not delusional about my career. 

I know, I know - I totally sound like this part...

'Even right now, the Gypsys reading this are thinking "Good point... but I actually am one of the few special ones"'

I do not think I am special. I do not think I am owed anything. I know if I want the career, the job, the money that I do, I will have to go out there and work hard for it. I certainly have never thought 'a great career is an obvious given for someone as expectational' as myself. I don't expect my career and life path 'to stand out amongst the crowd'. I don't think I am destined for something better - I just want to be. 

I suppose, to be brutally honest (which lets face it, I am most of the time) the trouble I have in my own happiness equation is not work related at all. It's much deeper than my career. As far as I'm concerned, my career is on the right track; I am proud of where I am but I recognise the long journey ahead of me. 

I am, however, disappointed by how my relationships have turned out. I did expect to be in a long term relationship by the time I turned 27 - who wouldn't expect that? I suppose, in that respect, the article is bang on. 

After identifying all of the above, the article concludes with three simple actions to follow along your life and career path:

1. Stay wildly ambitions

2. Stop thinking that you're special

3. Ignore everyone else

As I already hold this view point with regards to my career, perhaps I should apply these rules to the part of my life that I do feel disappointed by; relationships. 

'Mugged Off'

Without trying to sound like a nineties chick-lit cliché ; I have major trust issues.

It's never really occurred to me before. In fact, I don't think I had these issues with any previous boyfriend; I always believed what they said to me and trusted them. For the most part this worked well. It worked well until I developed this obsession with being 'mugged off'.

Being 'mugged off' is a term that has been thrown about a lot lately, especially since Lee from Blue led on two relatively unknown glamour models in the Celebrity Big Brother house. But I have been using 'mugged off' long before Casey wailed it in the Diary Room on day 5.

To me, being 'mugged off' means someone (usually a dude) intentionally telling you a porky of which you trustingly believe. It's not until you hear the truth (usually from a completely innocent bystander) that you even realise you have been subject to such 'mugging off'. This leaves you, me and poor glamour model Casey feeling like an absolute idiot. An absolute idiot to have believed a word that came out of his horrible little mouth.

This is where, I think, I then take it to the next level. Following the feeling of foolishness, I then feel like the upper hand is given to the lier/dude/scumbag. That somewhere in the world he will be bragging to his mates about how he played me, he he made me look so stupid! And stupid is the last thing I want to look EVER. This is where the 'mugging off' really gets to me.

I didn't realise any of this until I got talking to my new therapist, er I mean housemate. My new, ahem, housemate listens to me intently as I relay my latest boy stories and how I feel about them. He always offers such sound advice.

Recently I have been talking him through a few boy tales. Tales of guys saying one thing and doing the other. This, to me, is classic 'mugging off'. My fear of being the receiver of such behaviour has led me to dis-trust pretty much anything a boy ever says.

My irrational mis-trust has been even more boosted these last few days when my housemate confessed that boys intentionally tell porkies just to make themselves look good! Now, instead of just mis-trusting their intention with me, their whereabouts on a Tuesday night and if they do in fact even like me, I find myself also questioning their rather gallant opinion on animal cruelty or third world poverty!

I know, I know. I have taken all this a little too far. Sure, it's good to keep your guard up, to protect yourself a little but you have to let go of some craziness sometimes right? Is it a case of trusting until proven guilty or is it more a case of building up the trust. My therapist says trust is something to build and I suppose that's right. Let's just hope I don't find out my therapist has been 'mugging me off' as well.

Dry January vs. Fun January

A little over two weeks ago l set myself just one resolution for the New Year. I resolved to have a lot more fun in 2014. So far my resolution is working out well.

I saw the New Year arrive in the best way possible; I spent it eating cheese with some of my closest chums. We danced about whilst Gary Barlow sang the midnight count down and we played saucy charades. 

I was glad to see the back of 2013. I very much wanted to draw a line underneath all the negativity, drama and general messiness. I welcomed 2014 with open arms. I hoped for one thing - fun. And so far things have been pretty much just that.

Firstly I have become a Cluedo champion. Myself and my housemate have been hosting vintage games nights. After he whipped me at Monopoly I thought I had best hone my skills detective skills and bring Professor Green out to play with the dagger in the bedroom. I invited the folks round last weekend. After we had demolished my speciality lasagne and Mary Berry's Toffee Apple and Pecan pudding, we battled over a few board games. Much fun was had by all.

Besides board games I've been playing a few boy games too. In fact, my poor thumbs have been over worked by all the texting. Texting boys has become my new hobby. This innocent little bit banter has been really comforting and so fun! I have never before realised how much fun I have at the end of my finger (or thumb) tips! Everyone likes a little text; a winky smiley, a few comedy emojis. What a way to brighten your day. It's certainly brightening mine. 

There was other resolution I attempted but failed very miserably at. I attempted dry January. I know, how rediculous. Needless to say I only lasted five days. This resolution very much conflicted with my only other one. How much fun can you have on a bottle of fizzy fruit flavoured water in a bar full of teenagers anyways? Tricky. Also I found my favourite bottle of red made my new texting hobby even more entertaining. My thumbs appear loosened after a glass of wine - my flirt found new boundaries. 

So here's to the New Year. Much fun (and wine) to be had by all.

Marriage

I'm reading Pride and Prejudice. I'd like to boast about my copy being passed down through the generations, but truthfully I got a kindle for Christmas and it's one of the freebies. There are tons of classics available for free download and I am determined to make the most of my two-hour-a-day train/reading time. Anyway, that's by-the-by.

For those of you who don't know the ins and outs of Pride and Prejudice, here goes...

It's around the early 1800's. Miss Elizabeth Bennett and her three sisters find themselves in their twenties and looking for husbands. So far, that's about it (I'm 42% of the way through, accuracy I can only thank to the wonderful people at kindle).

So far, I've learnt that  marriage back in those days was about much more than it is today. Nowadays marriage is about choice or 'marrying your best friend'. It is also much more focussed on the actual wedding day; spending 15 grand to make promises in front of your family and friends, with the back-up of divorce to reassure your doubts. Back in Elizabeth Bennet's day, marriage was equally as un-romantic, revolving mainly around assets and estates.

Jane Austin writes how Elizabeth Bennet is against marrying solely for the reason of money, how she seeks a marriage based more on admiration and love. Elizabeth witnesses her friend accepting a proposal of marriage from a Mr Collins, who in the previous chapter had his same offer declined by Elizabeth. (Oh, obviously there is a Mr Darcy - she has met him and she appears to hate him, but we all know that secretly she is in love with him. I'm yet to reach that part of the book).

So naturally, all this love/marriage talk got me thinking about our choices today and most importantly, my choices. I don't think anyone would admit these-days to marrying their partner solely for the reason of security. In fact, I shouldn't imagine anyone would admit to marrying solely for the reason of love either. I guess realistically it's a balancing act for all the traits you deem important when looking for a partner.

I've thought many times about the presence of perfectly suitable suitors (ha) available to me. I have many very decent guy friends, who no doubt would make the most amazing life partners. I can picture several of them impressing the family at Christmas, proposing in the most romantic way, holding my hand through child birth, picking up the kids from school and treating me to amazing anniversary presents. Thing is, as spoilt as it sounds, that's just not enough for me. I want that extra thing. That thing you read about it books. That connection, the love, the passion. That's why I am single. In a way I guess it's true what everyone says; I am too fussy.

I always joke about being attracted to losers. If you look at my last few boyfriends it is evident. But to be brutally honest, I think there is something romantic about being in love with someone who doesn't tick all those security boxes above. If I love them, I love them regardless of those things. For me, for a long time, love has been the most important tick box of all but perhaps its time to relax that rule a little - maybe I'm making a rod for my own back.

Or perhaps I have even more reason to do like Elizabeth Bennet and stick to my guns. Stick to my guns and keep waiting for this amazing love.

First Date Games

I have a situation. Of course, by situation I mean a boy. To be matter of fact, I actually have a date. A first date.

First dates are odd aren't they? A bit like a job interview really; 'What do you do?' 'Do you have any hobbies?' 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'. The first date is a job interview where neither one of you want to be seen to overly want to get. Both applicants are cool and aloof about the job on offer.

Of course not all job interviews, er I mean first dates, go this way. Sometimes you come across applicants who are mega keen. I've interviewed a few who have been very clear of what they want out of the job in question, namely a wife and kids. Obviously that kind of directness is off putting, well to me anyway. I guess even in a real life job interview the sucker-uppers never get through to the second stage. It's the ones who have that perfect balance of skill, attitude and confidence. 

This leads me to consider if first date games are an absolute necessary part of the dating process. Perhaps we need a bit of aloofness and lets-pretend-I-don't-even-fancy-you to keep things interesting and fun. Perhaps if two people met up in a swanky bar, ordered a couple of drinks and opened the chitchat with 'I really fancy you, will you be my boyfriend' the whole concept of dating would be ruined. This comes as a challenge to me. I am a heart-on-your-sleeve kind of gal. I tell everyone my secrets, I'm as honest as a nun. Dating games are difficult. This time however I am going to play. 

Perhaps I need to attack this situation like a would with a job (I'm pretty sure this was my downfall last time but oh well...). I think I want this job, I just need to find out a bit more about the, ahem, package. What are the benefits? Is there a lot of opportunity? What's the probationary period like? 

So my strategy looks a bit like this:

1. Aloof - I will not confess my interest in this job, I mean boy, oh no I mean game, oh god I have no idea. I will be cool as a cue, keep my distance, leave him guessing. 

2. Observe - whilst being my very unnaturally aloof self, I will sit back and look out for the IOIs (you remember my FPUA days right?). I need to keep sight of what his intensions. Which leads me on to my third and final rule...

3. A sex ban - that's right kids, no sex. It won't be easy but it's going to happen. I always fall in love with the guys I have sex with. I'm a passionate gal, I don't just have sex for sex sake, it's emotional for me. 

So that's it. My current situation will be battled with me acting like a don't care, whilst tying to find out if he does and keeping my legs shut. Sounds to me like I have this job in the bag...

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

One week today I will be opening presents, stuffing my belly full with turkey and drunk. Yep, it's that time of year; Chriiiiiiiistmas (are you now thinking of the Slade song? I am).

I like to enter into the spirit of any kind of holiday and Christmas is no exception. I love putting up my decs, eating out of massive tubs of chocolates and wearing the traditional sparkly tops/jackets/dresses. 

Christmas also marks the ending of another year and naturally we (or maybe just I) find ourselves looking back over the year gone by and looking forward to the one ahead. And quite frankly, what a year it's been.

Last Christmas feels like a blink of an eye ago. Lots of drinks, friends, sex... You know, those usual Christmas traditions (ha!). I realise it doesn't seem that long ago to me because I spent most of this year looking back to those dramatically fun months. But lots has changed for me this year - I have learnt a hell of a lot. 

Mostly I have learnt the importance of a super supportive gaggle of family and friends. I have realised the meaning of friends, that you have all sorts of friends for all sorts of reasons. That phrase 'reasons, seasons and lifetimes' has meant more to me this year than ever. I think, as with most things, looking at what you do have in your friendships/relationships works out much better than looking at the things you don't.

This year I have also learnt a massive lesson about stuff, about being materialistic. I love stuff. Always have. I used to hoard so much stuff in my bedroom, afraid to throw anything away for fear of one day needing it and for fear of missing that treasured item. In my adult years I have used stuff as accomplishments; handbags, cars etc. I wouldn't necessarily describe myself as materialistic, those are the things I go to work for, that I want to keep working for. My stuff give me a sense of accomplishment, a sense of self worth - is that the saddest thing to ever admit to? I'm not sure. I don't think so. Everyone has their own drivers, their own ideas of what they want out of life and of course I want the deeper stuff too. Anyway, I digress.

This year I have learnt more than ever the insignificance of all that stuff. I am grateful for everything I have worked hard for, everything I have earned and everything I have been gifted with. However, this year I realised how much I would swap all of that for love. I would swap everything for that one guy. My guy. Well, who the hell wouldn't right?

I've learnt a hell of a lot more this year too but these seem to be the biggys. I guess that leaves me contemplating my New Year resolutions for 2014 right? Well yea. Better get drafting the next post.

The break up survival guide

This weekend I have been consoling a very good friend going through a break up.

Whilst offering them my shoulder and sharing my recently learnt tips for survival, I realised how far I had come on my own road to heart-ache recovery. I found myself on the other side of the love madness. I sat for hours listening to the back and forth reasoning of how this could have happened, the reminiscing of the romance and the emotional hysteria of tears one minute and laughter the next.

I do not envy my friend. I did, however, feel inspired to collect my survival tips and to share them with the world (well ok, this here blog):

1. Head vs. Heart

I shared my emotional battle with anyone who would listen. I wrote many a blog post on how much I cared for this boy regardless of how much I knew he was a douchebag and how he was nothing but bad news for me; this is classic head vs. heart.

I think, that in cases of heart ache you should always listen to your head. Your head is the one thinking. Your head is balancing up the situation and telling you what the right thing to do is, the most sensible thing, the thing that will protect you.

And your heart? Well, your heart can be cruel. Your heart still feels the same way about that ex. It longs for that feeling when you used to hang out, when you used to kiss, when you used to be happy together. If you listen to your heart it will have you doing anything to get that again. Anything. Regardless of how sensible/foolish the solution is. 

2. Hope

I love this word. I love it so much I want to get it permanently written on me. You have to have hope in anything you do or what else is the point.

Hope however can sometimes be cruel. False hope is the worst. To hope that a near on impossible situation will happen is literally heart breaking. Clinging all your hopes of happiness on to a reconciliation with your ex will near on kill you. Instead you need to step back and focus your hope on happiness full stop. Weather that be with your ex or not. You have to hope things will get better someday, with or without your ex.

I found peace in the idea that if things are 'meant to be' then they will be. I had faith in that and in turn I had hope.

3. Nothing lasts forever

Everyone experiences down days. Everyone knows how it feels to be at their lowest. It's not nice, you can think the most tragic thoughts - but this does not last. Post break up you will feel horrendous; you have hours of desperation, evenings of tears, days of gloom but fortunately life always goes on. Things happen, situations change and nothing ever stays the same. So feel low when you feel low, it's ok, but do not lose sight that things won't always be that way. 

4. Time and space

I know, it sounds so cheesy right? But it's so goddamn true! Take it a day at a time. Soon those days turn into weeks, then months. Before you know it, nearly a year has gone by and guess what; your still alive! Your heart break didn't kill you and maybe there is some truth in that old cliche 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'.

Hand in hand with time is space. Space without that person texting you or popping up on your Facebook helps you to come to terms with the reality of the situation. It helps you to focus on the most important thing; yourself, without any emotional upheaval. Space helps to clear your head (see, I said head not heart), to help you see the situation from the outside, to be objective.

5. Advice
You won't want to hear it. In fact, you won't be able to even process it. You will discuss your problems with anyone who will listen but you do not want to hear their advice. Their advice is probably the along the same kind of lines of what your head is telling you but that your heart is trying to drown out. It's ok. You have to go through this. When you're ready to listen you will and it will help.

I guess number 5 kind of makes this post redundant. Ah well. All this totally makes sense to me.