Paco Robanne, Millionaire

Care free, 22 and totally infatuated with Mr Rebellious. He would turn up at my front door in his favourite (poorly ironed) shirt, baggy jeans and drenched in his man perfume. His tight, black curls would be gelled and his face freshly washed and shaved. I'd totter to his beaten up, silver Vauxhaul Astra, open the door and move cigarette packets and chief paraphernalia off the front seat. He'd wined down the window, light up a cigarette and say something along the lines of; 'you look gorgeous honey' and away we'd go.

Funny how smells ignite a memory, a feeling, a moment in time. It's been three years since I last saw Mr Rebellious and since I put an end to the whole on-again-off-again drama. It's been five years since I started seeing him. It doesn't seem that long ago...

Sunday 16th November 2008
I am officially nuts. Been at work tonight as usual, really gotta talk about this whole [Mr Rebellious] thing. For the past couple weeks he had been really mean to me, so last week we (Becca, me, him) end up going out on Sat night. Cause I was a bit pissed I was dancing and flirting and we ended up outside chatting and we kinda sorted all this stuff out. Work Sunday was good because we were just having a laugh about the night before.
Then, this Friday I went out with Becca and some others from work. I was absolutely wrecked, puking up outside and EVERYTHING. Guess who came to my rescue!!
So Saturday night at work I was just apologising etc. Now, tonight we were just doing the usual flirting thing and I think I'm in trouble because I think I like him!! It's insane, not even my type, totally the wrong sorta person but I genuinely think I like him. And [the] thing is, if I don't take this opportunity now then I'm a dick. He's leaving in a few weeks anyway. Argh! Shall I text him? Oh god

 

POF: Plenty of Fish

I have kept it no secret that I have tried many of the online dating sites. I have tried out Tinder and Match.com. At one point I was even using FB as a potential dating tool. I'll admit however that I have never seriously used them to look for a date. Sure, I've uploaded a few snaps and made a good looking profile (I am in marketing after all...), but then I just let all the messages and likes roll in, rarely doing anything about them. I've probably been using it as an ego boost. Well, that is up until now.

Online dating has lost some of the shame it once had. Well, at least it's popularity has improved in my social circles. Urban relationship myths are spreading around friendship groups like wild fire; 'I know two friends who met their new boyfs on Tinder' and 'The couple who's wedding I am going to at the weekend met on Guardian Soulmates'. It's these hopeful stories that are encouraging singles to pop on to the App Store and download the latest fad in online dating.  

So my latest is Plenty of Fish (POF). Well, actually I have been a member for years. Again I set up my profile but just left it hanging. I kind of forgot about it until recently when a friend wholeheartedly pushed herself into online dating using POF and I think she'd say it had been a success.  

This morning, on the way to work, I downloaded the app and logged into my old account. I updated my profile (up-ing my age bracket search) and away I went. Within minutes I had my first message from vnice2meetu79. Then a few notifications popped up on my screen, it seemed Jonnyboy147, Andy_pandy82 and Ben-evolent liked what they saw too (seriously, you could not make this shiz up). 

All morning my phone was vibrating with notifications for messages from these dudes. In total I had 32 messages, in just one morning. I had to turn off my notifications to avoid the (unwanted) distraction from work. I hate to sound ungrateful but it kind of began to irritate me. Instead of feeling excited and hopeful at the prospect of all these potential dates, I felt unrealistically bombarded with cheesy, suggestive chat-up lines. 

OK, I will give some of the guys credit; I did receive a few nice, polite messages with a little intro, but on the whole it felt weird. I am as yet to respond to any. I want to sift through the messages at my own leisure and seriously consider weather any of these dudes are worth the effort. Obvs I am just thinking messaging but I am the worst for (not) messaging when I really am not interested - it just slips my mind. 

I promise to keep you up-to-date and entertained with any strange messages I receive. Who knows, this could be a great success. At the very least it's someone to message, right?

Facebook: not so LOL

I think I am done with my oldest form of social media. I hate to say it. I love the freedom and expression of social media, but I think Facebook has gone too far. It's just not fun anymore.

Originally created by Mark Zuckerberg in 2005, the initial idea of Facebook was to connect University students. Over the last 8 or so years the social media channel has embedded itself deep into the day to day lives of its users (and let's not ignore the marketing possibilities of collecting endless amount of consumer data about each and everyone of us, all available for sale). The Facebook we know today has evolved far from it's initial conception. 

I joined FB back in 2006. I remember being in my first year of Uni and hearing whisperings around my student halls of this thing online called Facebook. This rumor lead us all to turn to our brand new laptops and immediately sign up. Back then it was used to confirm new friendship status' with our new found (real life) Uni friends. It also made it ten times easier to keep in touch with all the old school friends, littered about the country in their respective Uni towns.

In my first few years of FB and Uni, I would clog up friends feeds with numerous FB albums of our wild nights out, we all did. Albums entitled; Tiger Tiger after exams and First Night Back after Crimbo are still accessible on my profile today. Fraping became a widly recognised term amoungst every young adult who had access to the internet. Horrendously pissed up pictures of yourself would be uploaded, tagged and liked before you even had a chance to remove them. Back then who even cared about removing them?! It was harmless fun. 

However, soon things began to change. Firstly there were the games that became available to play through FB (remember Farm Frenzy?). Then viral posts with billions of likes and comments began to pop up on my feed. Next there was the new generation of FBers; the teens, the 14 year olds. This new generation would upload selfies to show off to their school friends about how hot they looked in their non-uniform getup (getup: see how cool I am?). Obviously there had always been an element of show-off to any FB post; look how gorgeous I am, look how popular I am, look how funny I am. But things began to go too far.

It was also around this time when the stalking began. Lazy evenings in front of the TV and the laptop led to endless hours of catching up with an old school friend you haven't actually spoken to in years. The increasing accessibility to the internet via smart phones only enhanced this. When waiting for a bus or an ad break to be over or even in the cue at the bank you would find out what an ex work colleague had for breakfast that morning.

Today, I would be unable to browse my feed without witnessing somebody announcing to all their 'friends' that they are a) engaged b) having a baby or a scan picture c) annoyed at the X factor or d) so in love. Of course in part this is due to my age but the content itself isn't really issue. What I am questioning is the need to share. 

Perhaps it's the age old school reunion thing. Back in the day you would have no idea what John Smith did with his life after you all left school. You would blissfully forget about him until you either bumped into him in the local supermarket/pub or met up with him at the school reunion 20 years down the line. Back in the day the school reunion was the one event you wanted to attend and be on top form for; 'Look at me with my amazing good looks, billions of pounds in the bank and perfect family. Haven't I done well since being the nerd at school who nobody noticed'. This school reunion syndrome has evolved and spilled over on to FB.

Another question to ask myself is; why do I even care? Over the last few years I have met many a friend who had taken themselves off FB; deactivated or deleted their account. At the time I asked them this question too. To be affected by what other people do with their lives surely shows self-esteem issues and signs of jealously. Maybe it does, maybe I am jealous, but again that's not entirely the point. My point is why has is become socially acceptable to brag about yourself.

FB has become a tool to completely and 100% show off about your life. Gone are the silly days of fraping and posting horrendously drunk snaps of yourself. Today it is a channel or a tool of self promotion, a way in which to broadcast a press releases to your entire 'friends list' with just a few taps of a touch screen. I am not innocent in all this of course. I have been known to upload a selfie (particularly on Instagram - who doesn't like the very forgiving filters) and to upload my holiday snaps. But that is as far as it goes with me. You would not catch me bragging about my new job or pay rise or expensive handbag or new car. It's ugly, self centered and people do not like you for it. 

Wine, cheese and memory lane

I met up with an old work pal last night. It was lovely. Mind you, what can go wrong on an evening spent with wine, cheese and a good ol' catch up.

It's funny how we just all get on with everyday life and every so often take a few hours out to look back over the last few months, catching up old friends on everything 'life'. Those are the times that are good for reflection. 

For months I've felt like all I do is look back and think about what's been happening the last few months. I felt like I was missing myself out on the everyday life. But catching up my friend last night made me realise that I haven't been completely stuck in the past. I'm doing things, I'm trying to look forward. That's better than it was at the start of the year.

Recently I've been reflecting over the last 3 years, all my drama since finishing Uni. I've crammed in quite a few things. Maybe the stress of this year was all of that catching up with me. Maybe it was the realisation that everything I've been focusing on since I was 19 has paid of and now what. Or maybe I've been focusing on the wrong things all this time. Maybe I should have focused more on love and finding that perfect connection and relationship. I don't know; who does? These are those big questions that will get discussed in a few more months time over more wine and cheese. 

My mantra right now is to just think about today. To be excited about today's plans, focused on doing my best and enjoying things. And today I have good plans. I'm doing cocktails with my bestie. Friday's don't get that much better.

The 'Guest Lecturer'

I conquered a fear today. I stood in front of 120 fashion retail students at London Metropolitan University and became a 'guest speaker'. It was kinda scary. Especially when the lecturer frog marched me down the middle of the lecture hall and stood me in front of the large cinema seated lecture hall. It kinda transported me back fours years to my final year of Uni.

A few months ago I approached an old lecturer of mine who I had spotted on LinkedIn. She now works at London Metropolitan. I have always fancied the idea of eventually going back to Uni; to study or to teach. Probably when I've tired of the fashion retail conveyer belt.

I kind of envisaged a room full of eager 22 year old me's, but instead it was a roudy bunch of undergraduates, probably hungover from last nights antics and most of them tapping away on iPads. Probably a closer, more realistic, similarity to what my old Uni lectures used to be like (without the Apple technology), much to the opposition of my memory and imagination. 

I was a little nervous at first, a little stumbly, but I soon felt comfortable and was chit chatting away. Once I start talking there is no stopping. I reached the end of my pre-prepared slides and felt a little sad. I wanted to stay a bit longer and to talk a bit more. Luckily there were questions...

I came out after an hour feeling proud. Proud of myself for setting that up in the first place and proud of myself for having the balls to do it. I had that interview feeling, you know when you think 'yea, I did my best there'. I wasn't all that bothered about how they thought it went but more focused on the feeling of accomplishment. I need to have this feeling more. I need to feel proud and like I'm achieving stuff. Maybe that's the key to all this. 

Next on my conquering agenda is to decorate my flat. I am on my way to purchase the Laura Ashley paint (naturally) right this min. 

It's been a while

The beauty of my own personal diary is there is absolutely no pressure to write. I don't even have to catch myself up on what has been missed if I really don't want to. Like any true friend, you can just pick up where you left off; mid break up, mid love affair or mid sentence. So here I am.

Recently I have been struck by the amount of advice I have been receiving from friends and family, urging me to 'put myself back out there'. They mean of course, with boys. Personally I could not imagine anything worse than to 1. meet anymore perfectly charming boys that I simply do not fancy or 2. meet another asshole that I do. And that just about sums up where I am at the moment.

Of course I'm not against dating or the potential guy, oh no, I'm just not forcing it. If one comes along then woop-de-do but I will be damned if you find me chasing after it.

I've been thinking recently that work, this career thing, used to be the difficult part. Working hard to get ahead, constantly learning, progressing; it's challenging, tiring and emotional. Well without jinxing what I have at the moment it appears to be a walk in the park compared to relationships and boys. A career is fairly straight forward; work hard, remain focused and ignore the bullshit, eventually it will pay off. I now have faith in that. Boys? I cannot even begin to open up that can of worms and 7:56am is certainly not the right time of day for it.

So that leaves me considering the idea that perhaps I needed this to happen, I needed this difficult boy thing to help me realise the good I can do at work, in my career. I needed some perspective when I started my new work challenge and moved to London. Maybe I needed a distraction from the sheer scariness of it all. 

Half of the time I feel strong like this. Half of the time I feel fortunate for all I have, the position I find myself in at 26, not actually needing a man in my life to make any sort of decision. I do what I want when I want to. But it's not easy. It's a constant fight to keep the loneliness and hopelessness at bay, the battle ground on which some good friends are witness to.

Well, today is a good day - I hope. 

One day at a time

It's impossible to feel amazing everyday. In fact, it's impossible to feel just ok everyday. Everyone has days where they don't feel their best. Maybe it's the way they got out of bed that morning, maybe they didn't get quite enough sleep or maybe someone really pissed then off on their drive to work. 

God knows I have had tricky days. Days I really don't want to get out of bed and face the day. I'm sure everyone has felt this feeling.

I guess it's not the feeling you've got to tackle but it's the what you do with it. You could give in, stay in bed all day and feed the misery (that does sometimes sound quite appealing). Or you could choose the alternative and not give in. To get up out of bed and get on with things. I don't mean bounce into work and through your day like a Disney princess (I'm picturing Snow White, whistling whilst she's working) or facing the day with a big old smile on your face, being the best possible version of yourself. I just mean not giving in to the misery, the mood, the depression. 

Yesterday my housemate moved out. It kind of upset me more than I thought it would. Perhaps it bought up memories of when my previous housemate/best friend moves out. Maybe it made me think how much I would love to share my home with someone I love. I don't know. I'm trying not to overanalyse things. 

Thing is, yesterday could have been shitty. I could have been miserable all day, focusing on just getting home so I could cry in the privacy of my bath uninterrupted. But I didn't. Well I did cry in the bath but I didn't look forward to it all day long, just on the train on the way home. Ha! I went to bed in a pretty low mood but I had the outlook that tomorrow is another day. 

It doesn't matter how I felt yesterday. It doesn't even matter how I am going to feel tomorrow. I've got to focusing on how I am going to feel today. Right now.