Two and half years ago I found myself in a sticky spot. A relationship I had been involved in for a year came to an abrupt end. I felt psychically and mentally unhealthy. My job, which was a major source of empowerment for me, turned sour. I was struggling to see straight.

In a nutshell I became super depressed. But, I had previous. I knew I had to take care of myself to get better. That there wasn't any other way out.


Firstly I smarted up my diet. I joined my local Slimming World, with the aim of gaining control of my very indulgent and very unhealthy eating habits. I wanted to lose 1 1/2 stone.

I also started to see a councillor. Every other Saturday morning I opened up to a stranger about all the things I felt.

I had a housemate at the time but I didn't feel too much fun to live with. Quite honestly I needed to be able to come home, take off the mask I wore at work all day and cry. He soon moved out.

As the months went on and the weight fell off I began to feel better. Soon I felt strong enough to job hunt. By the Christmas I'd reached my goal weight and I had a new job lined up.

At the time I was still experiencing depression but I was dealing with it, battling it.

In the January I decided I wanted to get physically fit. I was approaching 29 and I had my heart set on wearing the same outfit as I did for my 22nd birthday - only I wanted to look better in at 29. I started running.

I had previously dabbled in running but I never became fully dedicated. Initially I was running 3/4ks but by the time my birthday came round, late February, I was up to the 10k distance. I also started Pilates. I developed a sense of pleasure from exercising that I'd never felt before. I loved that during my run or Pilates class all my mental energy was focused on my bodily strength (and not my anxieties). It was one of the only times I didn't feel I was beating myself up.

All of these changes I had introduced really lifted my confidence. I began dating again. It was great dating. I would see a few different guys, nothing romantic - just spending time with different people, getting to know them and figuring out what it was that I wanted.

Soon I started spending a little more time with one; Mr Actually. I was attracted to his sense of adventure and his positive outlook. We would also spend quite a bit of time sharing our dreams in terms of lifestyle and family. We felt on the same page.

However. He was planning to go travelling.

Because of this I was super careful not to fall for him. I wanted people in my life who I could depend on, not people who would leave. Over a year we would see each other very sporadically. I'd put some space between us every time I felt I was getting a little too involved.

Over this time I lost sight a little of looking after myself. I was still running, just not as much as I had been, my diet was OK but difficult when you're in the throws of dating, eating out and cocktails. Quite honestly my focus shifted from myself onto him.

When he left in May I was quite certain I wouldn't hear from him again, despite him constantly insisting that would never happen. I just couldn't believe him - I wanted to of course, I just had to play it safe.

Two months after he left we were still in frequent contact. Texts most days, a call every few days. He would tell me how much he wished I was there with him, how one day we'll be doing all the things we used to dream about together. My resolve in not believing this guy began to soften.

He had always liked the idea of me flying out to meet him somewhere mid-travels. A break in his trip between South East Asia and Australia. He continued to mention this in the months after he left so I booked flights and started planning our trip to Bali.

I spent 3 months planning the 2 1/2 week trip. The closer the trip came the more anxious I grew. For various reasons; I'm not a great flyer, it was the furthest I've ever been from home and I knew this experience would be a turning point for me and him. Also I had started hearing from him a little less, I got a sense for what was happening. Also in the run up to this holiday I stopped running entirely and my diet was not at all very healthy - I wasn't focused on taking care of myself, I was too worried about what would happen after Bali.

It was very clear how he felt on day 2 of the trip. He explained that his plans had changed, that he was going to go to Australia for as long as his visa would allow and from there, who knows.

Quite understandably I was upset. I knew ironically that this guy, who I admired so much for his adventurous outlook, would be leaving my life because of it.

Due to my anxiety pre-Bali I'd packed a book my Mum had given me years before. The book, written by a Father to his 18 year old daughter, offers 3 pieces of life advice; one of them being positive thinking. Explaining the importance of always looking at the good stuff and not getting caught up on the bad.

Most days whilst away I wrote a pros and cons list in my head about my situation with Mr Actually. It went a little like this:

Con:
-He won't be in my life anymore, his texts and calls won't put that smile on my face anymore
-We're not going to do all the things we talked about doing together

Pro:
-I'm going to go home, date and meet someone new who truly does want to do those things with me
-I'm going to fall in love

I felt a massive turning point when saying goodbye to him at the airport. He was flying 5 hours to Sydney, I was flying 18 hours home. For the first time ever I didn't want to go home. I couldn't see what I was going home for. Yes there was my friends and family - but they would still love me wherever I was.

1 month after being back from Bali I still couldn't shake my need for freedom and adventure. I soon realised that I had met Mr Actually for a reason - my relationship with him took me to Bali and Bali made me realise my love for travel, freedom and adventure.

Excited about what was to come and in a bid for a new direction I starting reading self-help books. Initially it was The Life Plan by Shannah Kennedy, opening my mind up to the power of visualisation. Then I came across The Secret; the concept of the universe and positive thinking.

Within 3 months of being home I had a whole new outlook on life, a new set of goals and 2 trips booked.

Today I am feeling just as positive. The last 6 months have been the best I think I have ever had. I wake up most days thanking the universe for the day I am about to have, using affirmations to keep my mind on track. I get into bed each night and mentally write my gratitude list.

My strength of mind has overtaken my physical strength. In a bid to lift my overall strength I've signed up to a 10k run and have been regularly running since January. My diet is a bit of a struggle but I am determined to keep listening to my body and giving it the fuel it needs.

To settle or not to settle

I'm contemplating settling. I recognise it's going against all my beliefs and pretty much everything I have been working towards for the past ten tears but I just can't handle the loneliness anymore. I've been weighing up loneliness and perfectness and the scales are becoming imbalanced. Perhaps it's time I just did what I think a lot of other lonely people do - pick a nice guy and just make do with a standard relationship.

Ever since I broke up with Mr Reliable (aged 20, a whole 7 years ago!!!) I have been in persuit of this perfect relationship. I have been holding out with hope that it or he will come along one day. Don't get me wrong, it's not a perfect guy I'm looking for, god knows I'm not that fussy, it's the perfect union thing.

So far I have spent my twenties as an idealist. I have been floating around wanting only the best. Not in a competitive kind of way, just with a you-only-live-once-why-settle attitude. I work hard for all the things I think I want, including this perfect relationship. 

Up until now only one guy has come along who I actually thought could fill that spot. I don't mean it to sound so controlled. The romantic part is that this so isn't controlled; this guy could be anyone! As long as I feel the thing I want to feel then it's possible, he could be (for want of any other words) the one. 

At 27 I find myself doubting all the things I ever thought I wanted. I'm doubting this perfect relationship thing too. Maybe I got it wrong. Maybe it doesn't exist. Maybe I'm running too high a risk at always being single and ending up old and alone. 

I know what your thinking. I'm thinking it too. It's the constant battle going on inside my head; if I am going to settle why didn't I just settle with Mr Reliable. That's the million dollar question. Mr Reliable would have been the most perfect settling down guy, but back at twenty I didn't know this! I wanted to find out, I wanted to take the risk, I wanted to actually get my heart broken (horrific but true, I even wrote it in my blinking diary!). 

If only I could add a voting form on this post, I need advice and opinions! As horric as this sounds, I sometimes feel like I fly the flag for all my in-a-relationshipped friends who sometimes wonder what would have happened if they hadn't settled. Up until now the results have looked good; I eat of Cath Kidston china for godsake. But suddenly this is not enough. I need a companion, a best friend, someone to argue with about wallpaper. Oh god. I think it's time to settle.

Generation Gypsy

A friend just sent me this very interesting article. If you don't fancy the read (although I highly advise you should) it pretty much explains why our generation, generation Gypsy (nothing to do with big fat weddings), find themselves unhappy despite all the successes we have experienced. The article uses this amazing equation:

Happiness = Reality - Expectations

This equation made so much sense to me that I kinda found myself wondering why I hadn't come up with it before, which nicely leads onto the point of Gypsy's being delusional... I also enjoyed the Facebook Image Crafting. 

Mostly I loved the article. It was scarily relevant. I am a generation Gypsy, my parents are Baby Boomers and my Grandparents were WW2 survivors. I do have unrealistic expectations with regards to my overall life, I like to think I am 'wildly ambitious' and I confess that I am deluded when it comes to life and mainly my relationships. 

However, I am not delusional about my career. 

I know, I know - I totally sound like this part...

'Even right now, the Gypsys reading this are thinking "Good point... but I actually am one of the few special ones"'

I do not think I am special. I do not think I am owed anything. I know if I want the career, the job, the money that I do, I will have to go out there and work hard for it. I certainly have never thought 'a great career is an obvious given for someone as expectational' as myself. I don't expect my career and life path 'to stand out amongst the crowd'. I don't think I am destined for something better - I just want to be. 

I suppose, to be brutally honest (which lets face it, I am most of the time) the trouble I have in my own happiness equation is not work related at all. It's much deeper than my career. As far as I'm concerned, my career is on the right track; I am proud of where I am but I recognise the long journey ahead of me. 

I am, however, disappointed by how my relationships have turned out. I did expect to be in a long term relationship by the time I turned 27 - who wouldn't expect that? I suppose, in that respect, the article is bang on. 

After identifying all of the above, the article concludes with three simple actions to follow along your life and career path:

1. Stay wildly ambitions

2. Stop thinking that you're special

3. Ignore everyone else

As I already hold this view point with regards to my career, perhaps I should apply these rules to the part of my life that I do feel disappointed by; relationships. 

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

One week today I will be opening presents, stuffing my belly full with turkey and drunk. Yep, it's that time of year; Chriiiiiiiistmas (are you now thinking of the Slade song? I am).

I like to enter into the spirit of any kind of holiday and Christmas is no exception. I love putting up my decs, eating out of massive tubs of chocolates and wearing the traditional sparkly tops/jackets/dresses. 

Christmas also marks the ending of another year and naturally we (or maybe just I) find ourselves looking back over the year gone by and looking forward to the one ahead. And quite frankly, what a year it's been.

Last Christmas feels like a blink of an eye ago. Lots of drinks, friends, sex... You know, those usual Christmas traditions (ha!). I realise it doesn't seem that long ago to me because I spent most of this year looking back to those dramatically fun months. But lots has changed for me this year - I have learnt a hell of a lot. 

Mostly I have learnt the importance of a super supportive gaggle of family and friends. I have realised the meaning of friends, that you have all sorts of friends for all sorts of reasons. That phrase 'reasons, seasons and lifetimes' has meant more to me this year than ever. I think, as with most things, looking at what you do have in your friendships/relationships works out much better than looking at the things you don't.

This year I have also learnt a massive lesson about stuff, about being materialistic. I love stuff. Always have. I used to hoard so much stuff in my bedroom, afraid to throw anything away for fear of one day needing it and for fear of missing that treasured item. In my adult years I have used stuff as accomplishments; handbags, cars etc. I wouldn't necessarily describe myself as materialistic, those are the things I go to work for, that I want to keep working for. My stuff give me a sense of accomplishment, a sense of self worth - is that the saddest thing to ever admit to? I'm not sure. I don't think so. Everyone has their own drivers, their own ideas of what they want out of life and of course I want the deeper stuff too. Anyway, I digress.

This year I have learnt more than ever the insignificance of all that stuff. I am grateful for everything I have worked hard for, everything I have earned and everything I have been gifted with. However, this year I realised how much I would swap all of that for love. I would swap everything for that one guy. My guy. Well, who the hell wouldn't right?

I've learnt a hell of a lot more this year too but these seem to be the biggys. I guess that leaves me contemplating my New Year resolutions for 2014 right? Well yea. Better get drafting the next post.

Wine, cheese and memory lane

I met up with an old work pal last night. It was lovely. Mind you, what can go wrong on an evening spent with wine, cheese and a good ol' catch up.

It's funny how we just all get on with everyday life and every so often take a few hours out to look back over the last few months, catching up old friends on everything 'life'. Those are the times that are good for reflection. 

For months I've felt like all I do is look back and think about what's been happening the last few months. I felt like I was missing myself out on the everyday life. But catching up my friend last night made me realise that I haven't been completely stuck in the past. I'm doing things, I'm trying to look forward. That's better than it was at the start of the year.

Recently I've been reflecting over the last 3 years, all my drama since finishing Uni. I've crammed in quite a few things. Maybe the stress of this year was all of that catching up with me. Maybe it was the realisation that everything I've been focusing on since I was 19 has paid of and now what. Or maybe I've been focusing on the wrong things all this time. Maybe I should have focused more on love and finding that perfect connection and relationship. I don't know; who does? These are those big questions that will get discussed in a few more months time over more wine and cheese. 

My mantra right now is to just think about today. To be excited about today's plans, focused on doing my best and enjoying things. And today I have good plans. I'm doing cocktails with my bestie. Friday's don't get that much better.

My week in moods

I've been a bit blogging quiet this past week or so. I haven't even caught up my own journal with my latest activities. I guess things must be going OK at the moment. Maybe I've had (wait for it...) an OK week. Well, I did say maybe.

It didn't start off amazingly. Monday was actually pretty horrendous. I dealt with it by watching tele in bed with the light off (I actually watched a really good programme about the cocaine manufacturing biz in Peru which kinda took my mind off worrying about my loneliness). Tuesday morning was a struggle but I only worked a half day - I had a date with Dr Anxiety in the afternoon.

The appointment was alright. I had hoped she would diagnose me with some rare mental problem, prescribe me with some strong mood stabilisers and send me on my way. She didn't. Instead I confessed my biggest worry to her and she set me some tasks from a booklet to work through and we've arranged a call for a couple of weeks. My session with her kinda made me realise even more that no one else really gives a shit. I'm not being all negative and depressive, I am merely pointing out the facts; no one can sort my head out apart from myself and it's in no ones interest too apart from my own. That's why when I'm feeling all moody (which by the way she says is totally normal, I've got to stop expecting to be all cheery all the time) I've got to deal with it on my own and in a healthy way. I think I am getting better at that, hence my locking myself away in my room with the tele. I did ask her why some mornings I wake up with this cloud floating over my head, she said that sometimes we carry around negative thoughts from the day before that we haven't yet dealt with. Interesting stuff.

Anyhoo, I hung out with a friend on Tuesday night. It was nice. Sometimes it's good to hang out with different people, learn new stuff about people, it helps to think about things differently. I drunk red wine and ate freshly baked cookies. It was a pretty delicious evening.

By Wednesday things were looking up, hump day really helps to boost the mood. I had good day yesterday too. Last night I met up with some old school friends. I have been hanging out with these guys for ten years. I have never had beef (or sexual relations) with any of them; they are simply the easiest group of friends. I definitely get on better with guys. If they have the hump they say then and there, you argue about it, have a little laugh and all is well again in the world of man. Why do women make this so goddam hard? My evening last night consisted of chilli burritos, talks of tattoos and a very cute baby. It was lovely. Nothing better than a catch up with old mates to make you feel grounded.

And that brings me to Friday. What a nice mood to start the weekend in eh? I've got plans this weekend too. I am speeding down to Gloucestershire in the morning to party like a pirate for my cousins son's 4th birthday party. I'm hoping to celebrate proper pirate style too later on in the evening, with lots of booze and easy women at every port (perhaps I took that too far).

To conclude my update, right at this very minute I feel good. I feel content in the moment. Roll on 5:30 and the sneaky cider before heading home (I've got work drinks, I am not planning a brown paper bag job on the train journey home).

'Leaving on a jet plane...' (you know the song right?)

Do want to hear my latest fantasy? The latest dream world that I mentally disappeared into whilst squeezed in on the train this morning...

OK.
Tonight I go home, pour myself a glass of red, dig out my credit card and book myself on a flight to Oz.

One morning, in the not too distant future, the folks would wave me off at Heathrow. I'd be scared, I'd probably cry, but it would be good scared. You know the good scared you feel when you're starting a whole new chapter, a new chapter you know your going to grow and learn loads from. A bit like when you start a new job. Yea, that kind of scared.

I'd stop off in LA for a few days and stay in a fancy hotel. I'd see the tourist sights (feel like a Kardashian) and unwind into the carefree traveler way of thinking. Forget work, forget bills, forget doing stuff I have to do. Then I'd board a flight destined for the land of Oz.

I'd land in Melbourne, explore the city for a bit then book myself on a coach trip up the Gold Coast, where I would immediately bond with other travels. I'd poodle around, just going with the flow. All night beach baaaarbie? Sure! Naked midnight swim? Why not?! Fling with fit Aussie surf instructor? Count me IN!

I'd obviously take a trip to Summer Bay and Ramsey Street and take the obligatory FB photos beneath the street sign. I'd cure my OCD by staying in low rated youth hostels along with the Aussie bugs and snakes. I'd go visit my Aunt in Tazmania for a few days rest and catch up with a few school friends already out there.

The best bit for you guys..? I would blog about it. I would be that annoying person posting photos of 'the best sunset EVER!'. Whilst you sit at your desk in your lunch break eating your M&S sandwich, drinking a can of Diet Coke and counting the days until payday, I would be in my bikini on a beach with not a care in the world. I would be sharing all these wild experiences with you guys and my new found, life long travelling buddies.

After my two months stay I would board the flight home (or not, if my plan to get knocked up by that fit surf instructor pulls through) armed with life experiences, stories and a new found life confidence. I'd land back on UK soil and find myself back at home, in the same old town, barely changed expect for me with my whole new outlook and energy for life. I would job hunt and find work doing something different, something fun and creative to fill my time until my next adventure. Gone are the days of living to work, chained to the 9 to 5 desk and focusing on how much more money I need to take home each month to be able to shop in Waitrose full time and to have Sky installed. My new life attitude would be chilled and carefree. It sounds amaze...

I know what your thinking; that this is all a dream, that I've got to be realistic, where is all this money coming from? Well firstly you sound like my mum and secondly I'm no fool, I have assets! I could sell my car, leave enough in the bank to cover my mortgage for two months then just fuck of with the rest. I've thought this through guys.

Now the only question left to answer is this; which months have the best Aussie weather?

Holiday countdown

Only three more alarm calls until my week in the sunshine, not that I'm counting of course. I have attempted to get organised, I have even wrote a list of things to pack and things to do. The things to do list involves washing, travel insurance and picking up another bikini; you know, the essentials. I'm super busy this week as well which is good, the time will probably fly past. 530 on Friday is going to feel incredible.

Here's some boy related news; I went out on date number one last Friday and I have a date tonight with boy number two. At the weekend there was even the potential of a boy number three but that's just greedy, right? Date number one was nice, even if I did get a little drunk on Mojitos and get invited to an orgy by some couger at the bar. He was sweet (my date, not the couger), we chatted lots and it was refreshing for him to be genuinely interested in me. Will I go out with him again? Yea maybe, as usual I'm just going with flow.

Tonight should be interesting with Mr Double Date. I don't think I'm going to drink though, not because I don't want to get drunk (silly billy) but because I don't fancy being in this dudes car alone! I don't know him and we're heading to this pub by this lake where all the Bedford murderes take their dead bodies, not that I've thought too much about it...

The big black cloud

It's no big secret that I've been struggling with things over the last few months. I've been reluctant to write too much about it to be honest. Mainly because I was worried what people would think. I've been unusually guarded about it, even with friends.

You must believe me when I say that I am the first person to question what I have got to feel down about. I have a good job, a lovely home, lots of friends, an amazingly supportive family and above all else; their health and mine. But that's the funny thing about depression, you cannot shake that black cloud, no matter how hard you try. It's not at all about being ungrateful, it's unhealthy thought processes and emotions, both of which are completely uncontrollable.

Personally, I think I've always been emotional and a big thinker. I've written five notebooks full of my worries and woes since I was 16. I think a few months back I was simply going through a really emotional time and it threw me off balance. 

I was starting a new chapter of my life. I'd taken up the challenge and opportunity of a new job, leaving a very comfortable one which I was happy in and where I had made good friends, to push myself and progress. Pretty much simultaneously a relationship came to an end. Wrongly or rightly I had got carried away. I innocently had feelings for him, I liked how I felt with him, I liked spending time with him and most importantly I liked having feelings for someone. That was simply it. But as simple as it seemed to me it seemed extremely difficult for him and predictably it didn't work out (I'm sure you've all read the rest). Then, just as I was thinking how strong I was going to have to be to get through/over all this emotional stuff, I lost my Nan. She was a big part of our family, such a big part of Mum's life, very muchly loved and very muchly missed. Well that sort of tipped me over the edge!

Things were tough. There were moments of desperation and lots of tears. If I wasn't at work worrying about whether or not I'd made the right decision to change jobs, I was alone thinking how lonely and heartbroken I was. And if I wasn't thinking about all/either of the above, I was faced with the loss of my Nan. 

As the weeks have passed by (and I've been dragged to many a doctor appointment by my Mum) things have improved. I am dealing with things much better. I feel more balanced and sometimes happier too, but it's a work in progress, perhaps it always will be. I never understood depression before all this. I didn't understand how it felt, that it's completely uncontrollable and quite scary too. In those moments of madness you lose all sense of reality and the smallest of worries become the biggest, life altering ones. 

I would not have got through any of this if it wasn't for my Mum. She has been the most supportive and understanding person, probably ever. And boy, does all this make you realise who your real friends are. 

Failure

A little while ago I became obsessed with failure.

Since discovering I was a teensy bit ambitious at the age of 20 I started setting myself little goals; I set my mind on getting my car when I graduated Uni, then I decided I would move out when I was 25. This past year I have been loving my lifestyle whilst also trying to figure out my next move, my next goal.

For a little while I felt proud that I had achieved those things but also a little deflated when I started to discover things were not exactly how I imagined they would be. Of course I knew my car was a little expensive, but I hadn't realised quite how much I would be spending on tyres/tax/petrol. When I moved out I knew it was going to be difficult, I knew I would have to go without some luxury's like clothes, holidays and even hair appointments, but I hadn't realised just how hard it is to go without all that stuff. I didn't expect to be constantly weighing up the importance of a new mascara over a loaf of bread.

Sometimes, during very down times (you know the times you usually have one week a month, at 12 at night, whilst struggling to get some sleep) I felt like I had very much failed. I felt like my idealistic little brain had set myself too high expectations, that things like managing my money and trying to get ahead at work were too difficult and I thought about completely giving up and moving back in with the parents. I briefly mentioned in a previous post my consideration of a career change from Digital Marketer to Shelf Stacker. Admitting defeat. Giving up. Failing.

Why is this such a big deal to me? I don't know. I don't feel this pressure from anyone other than myself; I set myself these expectations, I beat myself up. I came across this article today and considered that admitting failure could be a good sign of your character, showing that you have the strength to take risks and your proud of that, even if you do fail. I guess my view of failure is a really negative one and I have too much pride, I guess I care too much what other people think.

I'm not much of a risk taker; I don't bet, I don't make rash decisions. I think every big life decision through thoroughly before taking a particular route and I look out for positive signs from the universe (it sounds nuts but its true, I always see good signs). Perhaps I am not a risk taker because I fear failing.

Maybe I should try to take more risks, to live a little on the dangerous side. I'm not talking driving without a seat belt or having wild, unprotected sex with strangers, I mean considering that a high risk factor in those big, important life decisions could actually make things more interesting. Better yet I could end up in a place greatly exceeding my original expectations, even if I do fail along the way.