To settle or not to settle

I'm contemplating settling. I recognise it's going against all my beliefs and pretty much everything I have been working towards for the past ten tears but I just can't handle the loneliness anymore. I've been weighing up loneliness and perfectness and the scales are becoming imbalanced. Perhaps it's time I just did what I think a lot of other lonely people do - pick a nice guy and just make do with a standard relationship.

Ever since I broke up with Mr Reliable (aged 20, a whole 7 years ago!!!) I have been in persuit of this perfect relationship. I have been holding out with hope that it or he will come along one day. Don't get me wrong, it's not a perfect guy I'm looking for, god knows I'm not that fussy, it's the perfect union thing.

So far I have spent my twenties as an idealist. I have been floating around wanting only the best. Not in a competitive kind of way, just with a you-only-live-once-why-settle attitude. I work hard for all the things I think I want, including this perfect relationship. 

Up until now only one guy has come along who I actually thought could fill that spot. I don't mean it to sound so controlled. The romantic part is that this so isn't controlled; this guy could be anyone! As long as I feel the thing I want to feel then it's possible, he could be (for want of any other words) the one. 

At 27 I find myself doubting all the things I ever thought I wanted. I'm doubting this perfect relationship thing too. Maybe I got it wrong. Maybe it doesn't exist. Maybe I'm running too high a risk at always being single and ending up old and alone. 

I know what your thinking. I'm thinking it too. It's the constant battle going on inside my head; if I am going to settle why didn't I just settle with Mr Reliable. That's the million dollar question. Mr Reliable would have been the most perfect settling down guy, but back at twenty I didn't know this! I wanted to find out, I wanted to take the risk, I wanted to actually get my heart broken (horrific but true, I even wrote it in my blinking diary!). 

If only I could add a voting form on this post, I need advice and opinions! As horric as this sounds, I sometimes feel like I fly the flag for all my in-a-relationshipped friends who sometimes wonder what would have happened if they hadn't settled. Up until now the results have looked good; I eat of Cath Kidston china for godsake. But suddenly this is not enough. I need a companion, a best friend, someone to argue with about wallpaper. Oh god. I think it's time to settle.

All or nothing

That pretty much sums me up. Food, boys, emotions, wine; I can swing from nothing to everything in the space of 3 seconds. My imagination just runs away from me, it always has.

You know that stereotype in the movies of the girl who meets the guy then imagines walking down the aisle to dum-dum-de-dum? Yea, well I hate to confess this but that is totally me. I suffer horrendously with boy-bipolar. In one short blog post I am pretty much ruining all those hours the sane women of this world have put in demolishing this stereotype.

To give myself a little bit of credit (and to try to earn a little more respect from you) I am not entirely crazy. I do play the whole I-am-totally-not-in-to-you card, usually just after the I-dont-even-know-who-you-are card; I refuse to talk to them, notice them or even give them eye contact. That I am actually very good at. Probably too good. I think this move of mine was the main reason for my very long dry spell after Mr Rebelious. You see, extremes I am very good at; all or nothing.

I do actually think that I am improving with this though, perhaps it's all my Game training. I can now be texting a guy, maybe even dating a guy and not be thinking too far ahead. But everyday's a struggle, once an alcoholic...

I think I am actively going to work on this. I have recently been thinking about meeting up with this Oil guy just to detract from other potential love interests, you know, keeping my options open. Perhaps then I won't find myself going all lady-psycho, after all no one finds that attractive. This all or nothing thing is definitely going to turn into more of a sliding scale. I'll keep you posted.

A bit of background information

With this blog in it's early stages of conception, I've been relying on the opinions of my friends to let me know if my ramblings are genuinely interesting. I've been told they sort of are.

One of my work colleges, who I shall refer to as Brooke (she requested this pseudonym - I think she's guna like it). Well anyway, Brooke said that she wants to read more about me. Funny that, I thought I was always quite good at telling people all about myself. I thought perhaps what I need to write is a scene-setting post. So here goes.

I guess I should start back at 16. I suppose I was a typical teenager; obsessed about finding a boyfriend, worrying about what colour Barcadi Breezer to take to Ed's party at the weekend and full of teenage angst about being fat or ugly;

1st July 2003
The past three weeks have gone really well on the diet front. I've lost 9 pounds. But you have to take the time of day into account and Dad just came back from the Esso - I persuaded him to get me a Curly Wurly! Argh! Now it lays beside me, what to do?! Everyday I say I'll go on a bike ride but I keep forgetting. Tomorrow I will DEFINITELY go on the bike ride whilst listening to Busted. See how many songs I can bike for.

When I was about 18 I landed my first boyfriend and it was love. Mr Reliable was everything the parents could wish for; smart, sensible, cheeky, a little bit rich. Don't get me wrong that was everything I wished for too, but I hadn't thought about what would happen when we both moved away to University and met lots of new interesting people. March 2007, first year of Uni, age 20 we split up.

Monday 22nd January 2007
I really feel awful saying this because it feels if I say it it becomes true. I kind of feel weird with Mr Reliable. I kind of feel I need more fun and passion! Everything seems to have become a bit of a drag... I find myself wanting to talk and dance with guys and generally have fun! ...But don't get me wrong, I do really care for him, he will be really upset, it's not like I want to dump him but just see where he is at.

 My young, free Uni days were not that wild. In fact, they were far from wild. Nothing too naughty to report other than many a drunken night on Asda own vodka and a few end of the night snogs. I did make some really good friends though, most of which are still in my life (there's a lot more to this story - definitely needs it's own post). I did become a little naughty when I hit 21 though. I met Mr Rebellious. He was everything the parents did not wish for; an unreliable, little bit dodgy, pot head. Unfortunately for them this was everything I had wished for; it was lust.

Wednesday 7th January 2009...
Speaking of Mr Rebellious it's all pretty weird. He came over a bit over crimbo, met the folks etc. Mother wasn't too impressed! Had fun though over the past few weeks so can't be that bad. Thing is I like spending time with him and stuff but I can't really see things going anywhere he really isn't the sort of person I can have a relationship with, we kind of come from different worlds.

Nearly two years of on-again off-again and I was finally done with Mr Rebellious. It sort of coincided with finishing Uni and starting my 'proper' job. I think I actually thought I should grow up and out of this dysfunctional relationship. Plus he went a bit strange in the end, moving away to live with his Dad then struggled with some mental health issues. Obviously this had nothing to do with all the weed. I spent the next year dealing with my broken heart, just to get it broken again by someone I thought was my best friend (again, this probably needs it's own post). But some amazing stuff happened too; I got my car and I got my flat.

This sort of brings me up-to-date. 25 and making the most of being young, free and single, and sort of making up for those wild times I was too silly not to take advantage of at Uni. I have met some really good friends who are the most un-judgemental people I have probably ever met and yes, we enjoy a drink on a Saturday night. As I hope you have gathered I do not sleep around, it's just not really my thing, but at the moment I am loving getting myself out there and meeting some interesting and not so interesting boys. As I said to my Mum tonight; I am just making the most of being young!