Back to work... kind of

My back to work Monday after the Christmas break was actually quite a good one. After nearly 3 years selling shoes I have decided to move on. Instead of shoes I will be selling chocolate. I can't really think of a better way to start the New Year and to beat those January blues.

The last 3 years at my current job have been quite fairly up and down. There has been so many managerial changes, I was lucky to be promoted and how can I not mention the perks (free handbags, free pizza and free bars to name but a few). But it's time for a change, a new challenge, a new routine and to meet new people.

The decision to go into London for work 3 years ago was a fairly easy one to make. Since starting my degree nearly 10 years ago I always new that to work in fashion retail I would have to go to London. To work for a major high street retailer was my goal for such a long time and as expensive, tiring and scary as it is to commute to London from the sticks, I knew I had to do it. London has an image of being busy, stuffy, impersonal and competitive and boy is it all those things. But it's also fun, exciting and fast paced, not to mention full of interesting people.

Over the last 6 months or so I've been finding it really hard to deal with tons of issues in my personal life. I have found the daily challenge of not blaming myself for all my heartache really hard. For a while work was my escape from all that negative thinking. I would go to work, do a good job and feel really satisfied. Work has always been a source of confidence and feel good to me - I love nothing more than to know I am achieving something with my day. The last few months however have been difficult at work. I've had feedback, in which I question the validity of, feedback not on my ability to do my job but on the way I do it. Since then I've noticed responsibilities of mine being reduced, an increase lack of team meetings, poor communication and extremely low team morale. All of which has made me doing my job, to the standard I would like to, really difficult.

I know work goes through phases and I've been through similar phases at my current job before but it feels a little like a lost cause now. So, I felt I had no other option than to look elsewhere. Professionally I think it's also time to move, to experience more technical areas of my role that I currently don't get the opportunity to do but also personally, I think it's a perfect time to move.

I've desperately been trying to cram as much life stuff between Mr Boy and today, to help me move on and to gain perspective from the situation. A new challenge, new people, a whole new routine and hopefully a much happier 9-5 life will help me with all those things. Also, my daily commute time will more than half, giving me more time to invest time in all those things I want to do to create a fuller personal life.

Since handing in my notice on Monday I feel such a sense of relief. For such a long time I've been hanging on to my dream of working in fashion retail and not stopping to think about how my outlook might have changed over the last 10 years. Recently I've realised how important it is to have hobbies and an actual life that makes you feel good, not just work or relationships. I'm hoping I can work my notice at my current job relatively stress free so I can fully through myself into my new job.

Hello 2016

I love a New Year. It's a fresh start, the perfect time to reflect back on your previous year, learn some lessons and look forward to good times ahead. So here goes my now obligatory New Year resolution post.

This year I want to focus on my personal life, I want to fill my week nights and weekends with creative hobbies and exercise. Of course my job is important, it always has been, but I think I just need to address the work-life balance.

I have publicly committed myself (via Instagram) to a #29ToneUp challenge. In just over 7 weeks I will be turning 29, I am already as slim as I was at 22, now I want to tone up and have the hottest bod I have ever had, like ever. I am running, taking walks and doing yoga. Creatively I am putting my mind to good use with new colouring books and my new fave writing journal; 642 Things To Write About. I also want to publish more on here, so watch this space.

This year, much like two years ago, I want to promise myself lots more fun. I want to get dating, start booking in trips and holidays and I want to spend quality time with good friends. I am so lucky to have so many good friends, a bunch of whom have been around for so long - I kinda take them for granted. They are like my chosen family. I know the ones who will always be in my life and that makes them way more important than any guy who could just walk out of my life with just a moments notice.

Recently I have been feeling so much stronger - physically, thanks to my running and yoga, but also mentally. I think that's thanks to the work I've been doing on myself, work with my councillor and just generally taking better care of myself. I realised a little while ago that I was waiting for the day that I wake up and feel like the old me again, the me before all the Mr Boy heart ache.

That is crazy.

I will never go back to how I was two years ago, I can't, too much life stuff has happened. I am never going to wake up one day like 'Oh great, I'm back'. The sadness I feel about everything that has happened is still there, it will probably always make me feel something - just look at my last post about a guy I haven't even seen for 5 years.

All that feeling is OK. It's normal. I can either choose to let it get to me and make me feel weak or I can choose instead to see how far I have come over the last 5 months and use that to make me feel strong. I totally choose the strong option.

Generation Gypsy

A friend just sent me this very interesting article. If you don't fancy the read (although I highly advise you should) it pretty much explains why our generation, generation Gypsy (nothing to do with big fat weddings), find themselves unhappy despite all the successes we have experienced. The article uses this amazing equation:

Happiness = Reality - Expectations

This equation made so much sense to me that I kinda found myself wondering why I hadn't come up with it before, which nicely leads onto the point of Gypsy's being delusional... I also enjoyed the Facebook Image Crafting. 

Mostly I loved the article. It was scarily relevant. I am a generation Gypsy, my parents are Baby Boomers and my Grandparents were WW2 survivors. I do have unrealistic expectations with regards to my overall life, I like to think I am 'wildly ambitious' and I confess that I am deluded when it comes to life and mainly my relationships. 

However, I am not delusional about my career. 

I know, I know - I totally sound like this part...

'Even right now, the Gypsys reading this are thinking "Good point... but I actually am one of the few special ones"'

I do not think I am special. I do not think I am owed anything. I know if I want the career, the job, the money that I do, I will have to go out there and work hard for it. I certainly have never thought 'a great career is an obvious given for someone as expectational' as myself. I don't expect my career and life path 'to stand out amongst the crowd'. I don't think I am destined for something better - I just want to be. 

I suppose, to be brutally honest (which lets face it, I am most of the time) the trouble I have in my own happiness equation is not work related at all. It's much deeper than my career. As far as I'm concerned, my career is on the right track; I am proud of where I am but I recognise the long journey ahead of me. 

I am, however, disappointed by how my relationships have turned out. I did expect to be in a long term relationship by the time I turned 27 - who wouldn't expect that? I suppose, in that respect, the article is bang on. 

After identifying all of the above, the article concludes with three simple actions to follow along your life and career path:

1. Stay wildly ambitions

2. Stop thinking that you're special

3. Ignore everyone else

As I already hold this view point with regards to my career, perhaps I should apply these rules to the part of my life that I do feel disappointed by; relationships. 

The 'Guest Lecturer'

I conquered a fear today. I stood in front of 120 fashion retail students at London Metropolitan University and became a 'guest speaker'. It was kinda scary. Especially when the lecturer frog marched me down the middle of the lecture hall and stood me in front of the large cinema seated lecture hall. It kinda transported me back fours years to my final year of Uni.

A few months ago I approached an old lecturer of mine who I had spotted on LinkedIn. She now works at London Metropolitan. I have always fancied the idea of eventually going back to Uni; to study or to teach. Probably when I've tired of the fashion retail conveyer belt.

I kind of envisaged a room full of eager 22 year old me's, but instead it was a roudy bunch of undergraduates, probably hungover from last nights antics and most of them tapping away on iPads. Probably a closer, more realistic, similarity to what my old Uni lectures used to be like (without the Apple technology), much to the opposition of my memory and imagination. 

I was a little nervous at first, a little stumbly, but I soon felt comfortable and was chit chatting away. Once I start talking there is no stopping. I reached the end of my pre-prepared slides and felt a little sad. I wanted to stay a bit longer and to talk a bit more. Luckily there were questions...

I came out after an hour feeling proud. Proud of myself for setting that up in the first place and proud of myself for having the balls to do it. I had that interview feeling, you know when you think 'yea, I did my best there'. I wasn't all that bothered about how they thought it went but more focused on the feeling of accomplishment. I need to have this feeling more. I need to feel proud and like I'm achieving stuff. Maybe that's the key to all this. 

Next on my conquering agenda is to decorate my flat. I am on my way to purchase the Laura Ashley paint (naturally) right this min. 

London Town

Next week is my three months probation at the new job. Hopefully it will go well, if not I can spend my weeks holiday thinking of an alternative plan, probably involving marrying a rich dude called Pedro. Actually, that sounds quite appealing... 

The new job is going ok, it has it's ups and downs. I think I majorly underestimated how difficult it is settling into a new job. It's like you have to shape everything you've learnt from previous jobs/experiences into the rhythm of the new place. I don't think I'm ever going to allow myself to get as comfortable here as I was in my old job, it makes moving on even more difficult. 

What instantly struck me about my new work colleagues, aka the London folk, is that people do solely come to work to work. Their not bothered about making friends, having a laugh or even making cakes (see, I told you things aren't normal). They come in, get shit done and go home (or to some amazingly on trend bar/restaurant/gig that they read about in the Stylist). Initially I found it a bit odd, I'm used to discussing the latest Kardashian gossip over my Wheetabix, but more recently I've been thinking that perhaps it's a good thing. Maybe it's another lesson for me that it's ok not to be everyone's BFF, that actually it makes it easier to be focused, work hard and get ahead.

Without sounding up my own bum, I think I'm a rarity in London. I'm naturally friendly for one thing and even though I can sometimes be a nasty cow I am quite nice most of the time. I think that's already been noted by my new work colleagues, some of which have already described me as 'the most positive person'. So that's all good, especially when at times I felt the absolute opposite. What comes with being a softy like this though is a hoghtened sensitivity super power. Perhaps this London thing will beat that out of me, maybe it already has a little.

One thing that I always say when friends and family ask me how the new job is going is that at least I'm learning. And it's not just a cliche, it's true. Not only am I learning more about e-commerce, digital marketing and shoes, I am learning loads about me too. I guess whoever said we are always learning is right. That's what I find exciting at the moment, who knows what I'll be doing in another six months. 

Going with the flow

Sort of had a revelation. Well, it's this week's revelation anyway.

I am a control freak (no, that's not my revelation, I've been aware of this for quite some time, I'm simply laying down the foundations for you). I've mentioned before that I like to plan things, not necessarily the small things for example the food shopping, but those big life things; getting a new car, moving out, career progression. Up until now everything has pretty much worked to plan, lucky ol' me eh? For a little while (mainly my early twenties) I was completely focused on these aims; I was happy for Uni/work to be my priority over boys, I wanted work to be a big, happy part of my life. 

Now however I find myself wanting a bit more than just the 9 to 5 sense of accomplishment. I feel I have now reached a point in my career where I have conquered a massive fear and I'm at a place I always dreamt to be, perhaps now I'm looking for the next big life thing. 

Unlike most of my friends, and probably half of the universe, I'm not dreaming about a boy, about what our future might be like, planning weddings, babies. To be honest, over the last few months I've been completely unable to look any further than the weekend. Quite frankly, who knows what I'll be doing next week or how I'll feel about it. 

Let's just for one minute though float the idea of this being ok. Let's go along with the idea of no self inflicted pressure, no expectations, just plodding through each day, week. Seriously going with the flow. A friend recently pointed out that she doesn't really have a plan or necessarily set herself goals and in my opinion she's doing pretty fantastic. Perhaps this plan thing has worked up until now, maybe now I need to just chill the fuck out. It's times like these I wish I smoked (cigarettes and/or spiffs if you were wondering). It's such a 'go with the flow' thing to do, not to mention relaxing.

I know the grass is always greener (no pun intended), especially for me, I recognise I'm never really satisfied. But i want to know whats next, I want to have hope in something, I want to know I'm moving forward and not standing still. I guess it all boils down to wanting to feel I have more of a purpose in life than to just poodle into work and send a few emails.

Great Expectations

I'm sure I've mentioned before that I have horrendously high expectations. I expect far too much from friendships, relationships, my career and whilst attempting not to sound too dramatic; life. When I was younger I imagined myself as an adult with an incredible job, loads of friends and a fantastic dating/boy life. I guess I just imagined things would be all rosy.

Where does all this come from? Who knows. Recently I've seen lots of comedy Facebook status' and pins on Pinterest blaming Disney for women's high expectations when it comes to things like boys (and of course, hair). I guess they could be held a little responsible. And if Disney are a little at fault I guess so are Chick-Lit writers, Rom-Com directors and Patrick Swayze.

It's not just me who expects a boy to fall madly in love with me, climb up a fire escape with a bunch of red roses and snog my face off whilst a classic 80's tune plays in the background, loads of other girls want that too. Why do you think we keep reading those shitty novels where we all know the ending and keep watching those shitty films that make us cry; we want our happy ending.

At 26, I now feel in a place where I need to manage my ridiculously high expectations of men, before they are all discarded to the he's-lush-but-he-just-can't-dance-the-mirange scrap heap. After spending 2 years of my early twenties with a guy who I felt at the time made no effort, I thought I deserved much more; I thought I deserved the perfect guy who met all my expectations. I was not going to settle for less. Two and half years on, I am still single.

Firstly I don't actually think there is a guy out there who checks everything off my list; teeth, triangle, brains, height, funny, Kardashian lover, wine drinker... The list goes on, obviously. It's near on impossible to find this guy. Secondly, say just for one second he is out there, do I even deserve this guy?! Perhaps I am not good enough for this near on perfect guy, maybe I'm awful.
So perhaps I should start to think about which expectations I can let go off or at least be lenient with. What can I let slide with the guy I actually quite like. A sort of expectation priority list.

Probably number one on my expectation list is reliability. People or guys who let me down really get my goat; if we make plans we do it, if I plan something I mean it. I struggle to be lenient here. This is a biggy for me. I can however be lenient on texting; I'm alright not hearing from you for a few days, it's cool, what would we chit-chat about anyway? I can do funny, witty texts but I struggle with conversational messages. There is only so many times you can ask What are you up to today? Drinking I'm ok with, who am I to lecture anyone about excessive nights on wine/beer/Jaegerbombs anyway. Drugs? A step too far, massive no-no.

I could go on forever. The point is sometimes you have to let some your expectations of relationships, jobs and life go. By holding on to them you go a little crazy and most importantly risk missing out on something amazing that you hadn't quite imagined or expected. Sure, keep your standards but just keep those great expectations in check.

Change

I experienced quite horrendous January blues. I don't think I have experienced them quite like that before. I tried to put my finger on it and I came up with the explanation of a combination of boys, work (both of my works) and quite a bit of boredom.

I love starting new things. As I wrote in early January I love New Year, I also love moving furniture around and meeting new people; I pretty much just like breaking up routine. It's the whole starting-a-new-chapter thing I like so much. Looking back over what you have achieved and learnt, reflecting on how things have changed and looking forward to more change. Maybe I am one of those weirdos who love change.

By the time February came I decided I must do something about it. Things don't just happen, you have to put in a little ground work. You have to make a little effort and then grab the opportunities as they turn up. A friend I was speaking to at the time said she had read about a women who had felt similarly to me. She developed this idea of accepting any opportunity that arose; she said yes to any invitation, made the effort when she really didn't want to... I think I'm right in thinking she ended up with an amazing new new man in New York (but my imagination might have made that bit up).

So I put myself out there a little. I did some job hunting, considered a career to change to a shelf stacker and I even dreamt about packing a suitcase and clearing off somewhere hot. One lunchtime I searched Skyscanner for the cheapest flight out of here. Anyway, one thing led to another and I found myself offered a new job working in London. Obviously I grabbed that opportunity with both hands, this was not only what I needed but something I really wanted. This new job is not only a new challenge but also a whole new way of life. As of 2nd April I will be joining all those London commuters and I will of course be blogging my new adventure (hopefully).

Because I had a bit of free thinking time I spent a lot of it obsessing about the boy; this was the second thing that was getting me down. Things had been a little hairy, but of course they had; me and boys are never simple. He is still very much on the scene despite the rational side of my brain trying to cut things off with him, on more than one occasion. Trouble is my little heart pipes up after a few days and says 'Hello, I need some love' and it makes me grab my phone and SOS text him.

Luckily he doesn't think I'm too crazy. He is very good at chatting, we have discussed our situ in great detail. Turns out he hasn't met a girl before he has been bothered about, sure he's had a few GFs but nothing serious, I mentioned the L word - he says he doesn't think he's ever been there before. Interesting. He concluded the convo by saying he was going to make much more effort and actually, since our little chit-chat he has. He sent me flowers to the office on my birthday (when all I was hoping for was a text), we haven't fallen out in 3 weeks (I'm counting) and the kisses have got even better! Wow. But obviously it's not all him, I am no angel in all this drama. I absolutely get carried away, I think about things way too much and I have massively high expectations. So I am battling all of my demons and making effort too.

So here's to starting something new. Hopefully starting this new chapter in my life will be all good but you never really know, you've got to take some risks sometimes or else you end up never doing anything. At least now I will have much more to think about than just this one silly boy ;)