50 Shades of Single

You can tell a women's relationship status by her reaction to the newest 50 Shades of Grey ad. Excitement, distraction and lust equals married or might as well be and/or no longer having hot sex (if any sex at all). 'Meh', 'looks good' or 'he reminds me of Dan from the gym' uttered from the single and dating girls who, since the last movie came out, have been reenacting the most infamous scenes with their latest Tinder flings.

Sweeping statement? Possibly. Ringing home just a little? Most likely. 

Throughout my twenties I have undertaken many an investigation into the lives of my monogamist girl friends. I've been fascinated by sneak-peeks into their relationships; the pros and the cons, the good bits and the bad bits. All because you see, I am extremely concerned with weather or not I myself made the right call in my early twenties to be single and to enter the adult world of dating.

My latest observation stems from the reaction in the office to the new 50 Shades Darker film trailer. The girl who was most excited by this has been with her now fiancé for 10 whole years (by the way, she's 1 year younger than me - how are we even old enough to be with someone for 10 years?!). The hottest section of the ad being Jamie Dornan, erm sorry, Christian Grey slamming Anastasia Steel up against a wall in the shower, all naked and kiss-y and stuff. Their reactions made me wonder if these women (who have already marked the release on their calendar for Feb 14th next year) have ever even experienced sex in the shower in real life, let alone all that kinky stuff Mr Grey gets up to in that Red Room.

This isn't me confessing to all that I've been up to all that S&M type stuff. It's more me confessing to feeling quite satisfied with the sexual adventures I've experienced so far in my twenties. To bring it back to the pros and cons of marriage vs. single, I truly believe that I've had more sex than a lot of my relationshipped girl friends. And believe me when I say that says more about the state of their sex lives than the busyness of my bed. 

Maybe I'm wrong? I hope to god I am. I believe sex is such an important part of a relationship. It's intimacy at its best. It's love and friendship not to mention lots and lots of fun. Everyone knows it's always the best when it's with someone you love. If I had that on tap I certainly wouldn't waste that opportunity.

Let's hope 50 Shades Darker injects a bit of spice into the sex lives of these marrieds and that Ann Summers sees the same increase in sales as it did 3 years ago. Not just for the sake of those adorable battery powered rabbits but for the sex lives and sanity of those woman longing for a little Christian Grey in their lives.

The No-Game Game

My summer romance is hotting up and just like this current heat wave, I definitely plan to make the most of it - ha! Without meaning to sound smug, I have been having the most fun I ever have had dating! Who knew dating could be this fun? Certainly none of my ex snogs.

Over the past 6 weeks I have experienced the kind of dates you come to expect from watching any Ryan Gosling film and from reading all those airy-fairy chick lits. In the first few weeks we of course did the usual drinks/dinner/cinema thing, but this dude - Mr Boy - thinks outside the box. 

One Sunday evening he suggested a spontaneous BBQ (spontaneous because I have no garden and no BBQ, not because I think BBQs are all that wild). He drove over to mine, nipped to the shop and stocked up on BBQ goodies; disposable BBQ, burgers, sausages, Corona and of course the traditional BBQ essential - a pack of playing cards. We sat on the embankment of the river in my home town until 1130; eating, drinking and me losing at Rummy. I would go as far to say it was the best BBQ I've had all summer. 

Games have become quite a thing for our dates. By games I do actually mean real competitive games, not those type of games I'm used to playing with boys - the is-he-or-isn't-he-interested ones. No, no, no, proper games where there are actual written rules and everything.

Other games we have played as well as cards include bowling. Exactly like in Greese 2 we have donned those silly shoes and joyfully screamed 'Shoot the bowl!' - although I think I might be the only one who enjoys that reference. I'm not sure he's even aware of a Greese 2, in fact, I'm not sure he's even aware of a Greese 1 or John Travolta for that matter... Anyway, I was useless, but I really liked the shoes so we went back the following week where I embarrassingly got beaten again. 

I've tried to re-cover from my bowling embarrassment (my bowling ego is on the floor) by whipping out my pool skills. Thanks to my Dad and summer holidays as a child spent in Spain, my pool skills are not too shabby. Unfortunately I'm yet to win a game against this bowling/pool playing pro.

Then there was my games night. Four of us in total indulged in nachos and Camembert (something for every type of cheese lover) and a couple of jugs of Cosmo's before undertaking the most epic and drunken of games nights. Articulate, Heads Up and Bullshit were our games of choice, a nice mix I thought of tradition, modern technology and good old fashioned blasphemy. You can probably guess who came out triumphant.

How refreshing does all of the above sound? How lovely it is to actually have fun hanging out with someone without worrying about weather or not he is using me for sex, where this all is going and if he will even text me back the next day. I kind of feel that the beauty of him is that he is yet to be messed up by a chick, he hasn't experienced all the let downs and shit that I have over the last six years, he's all new and how lucky am I?!

My Summer Fling Virginity

It's official; I'm having a summer romance. 4 dates in and with 3 more already in the diary - I think it's safe to label it now.

I've never had a summer fling before but I've naturally always fancied it. Fun dates in the sunshine, flirty eyes over ice cold beers, smooching just as the sun goes down (it's already been noted that I have watched way too many rom-coms, so just roll with it). It's been fun so far and god knows that's what I need. There's just one teensy little thing... Of course there is, nothing is ever straight forward with dudes and me.

This guy is super eager. Just then, when I said 3 dates already booked in - yea, one refers to a festival. A FESTIVAL PEOPLE. That's a pretty serious date. As soon as one dates over he's on the text later that night pinpointing my next available diary space. It's cute right but I'm just not used to this. The kinda guys I've been dealing with lately have been the absolute opposite of that. I literally had to twist Mr CBAs arm to spend anytime with me. Friday and Saturday nights were off the cards and daytime dates were an even bigger no-no. I was reduced to weekday evenings only, if he even remembered we'd made plans. As for Mr Double Date, he was a little bit more up for it but only if he could fit it around the gym and it was slotted in the dating diary a year in advance. 

I totally understand what gods doing here, I see the irony and his sneaky plan. I moan for ages about meeting a guy who is a keen-bean, someone I didn't have to chase, someone who might actually chase me. And look what he's sent me. 

If I've learnt anything the last couple of years it's that nothing is ever as you imagined it would be. Sadly this dudes eagerness is throwing me off, it appears too good to be true and perhaps it is. I even addressed it with him recently, don't worry, I used a well thought through emoji to get the tone of the text just right. Firstly he asked if it was a bad thing, then he said that he doesn't have a lot of time and that he wants to make the most of it (btw, he's not dying he's just heading back to Uni at the end of the summer). Somewhere amoungst these messages he also admitted to 'enjoying spending time' with me. He also used a carefully selected emoji, you know the one with the monkey covering his eyes? 

My biggest concern with all of this is that perhaps it is too good to be true and let's face it (trying my hardest not to be the cynical old cow I am slowly turning in to), things generally are. I'm going with it though, perhaps he's right, perhaps summer flings are all about making the most of those few months of pub gardens and flip flops. Or maybe I'm gleefully skipping into a another massive disaster. 

The Cougar Club

A friend of mine has begun dating a 20 year old. She's 27. Yep, she's a potential new member of the couger club.

She caught me up on her latest gossip over a civilised dinner last week. You know, the sort of dinner with nice wine, no chips and a latte as a night cap; an adult dinner. The type of dinner adults have. When I say adults I specifically mean anyone 25 plus. A slightly different lady date than one might expect from dating a younger man (or should I say boy...).  

She met this guy, so she tells me, through a new group of 'younger friends' (her quotations, not mine). She didn't need to persuade me how appealing it is to hang out with the younger folk. I too struggle to find Saturday night companions more my age. Most of my friends tend to spend their free time with their lovers and quite rightly so. 

She tells me she hasn't persued any of this, that she has just let this happen and let him do the work and she said she's fully aware of the badge of honour he could well be proudly wearing (on the lapel of his buttoned up polo shirt) if he does succeed in his mission to score with this older chick. 

So what is the harm of a summer fling? She needs one, she deserves some fun in the sun regardless of who it is and indeed how old he is. 

The point I was very quick to raise, from my extremely feminist view point, was this; if this situation was the other way around, no body would be batting an eyelid. If he was 27 and she was 20 this blog post would be entirely irrelevant. Guys date younger girls all the time without the need to question their moral conduct. When I was 21 I dated a 27 year old and barely considered the age gap. I only ever addressed it went poking fun at 'how old' he was - which, believe me, if this young'un does to my friend then there could be severe   consequences...

When looking for reassurance or guidance or some kind of indication that what I'm about to do is acceptable to the outside world, I always look to my idols. And, if being a couger is good enough for Demi, Madge and Jenny from the block then it's good enough for my gal pal. 

'Mugged Off'

Without trying to sound like a nineties chick-lit cliché ; I have major trust issues.

It's never really occurred to me before. In fact, I don't think I had these issues with any previous boyfriend; I always believed what they said to me and trusted them. For the most part this worked well. It worked well until I developed this obsession with being 'mugged off'.

Being 'mugged off' is a term that has been thrown about a lot lately, especially since Lee from Blue led on two relatively unknown glamour models in the Celebrity Big Brother house. But I have been using 'mugged off' long before Casey wailed it in the Diary Room on day 5.

To me, being 'mugged off' means someone (usually a dude) intentionally telling you a porky of which you trustingly believe. It's not until you hear the truth (usually from a completely innocent bystander) that you even realise you have been subject to such 'mugging off'. This leaves you, me and poor glamour model Casey feeling like an absolute idiot. An absolute idiot to have believed a word that came out of his horrible little mouth.

This is where, I think, I then take it to the next level. Following the feeling of foolishness, I then feel like the upper hand is given to the lier/dude/scumbag. That somewhere in the world he will be bragging to his mates about how he played me, he he made me look so stupid! And stupid is the last thing I want to look EVER. This is where the 'mugging off' really gets to me.

I didn't realise any of this until I got talking to my new therapist, er I mean housemate. My new, ahem, housemate listens to me intently as I relay my latest boy stories and how I feel about them. He always offers such sound advice.

Recently I have been talking him through a few boy tales. Tales of guys saying one thing and doing the other. This, to me, is classic 'mugging off'. My fear of being the receiver of such behaviour has led me to dis-trust pretty much anything a boy ever says.

My irrational mis-trust has been even more boosted these last few days when my housemate confessed that boys intentionally tell porkies just to make themselves look good! Now, instead of just mis-trusting their intention with me, their whereabouts on a Tuesday night and if they do in fact even like me, I find myself also questioning their rather gallant opinion on animal cruelty or third world poverty!

I know, I know. I have taken all this a little too far. Sure, it's good to keep your guard up, to protect yourself a little but you have to let go of some craziness sometimes right? Is it a case of trusting until proven guilty or is it more a case of building up the trust. My therapist says trust is something to build and I suppose that's right. Let's just hope I don't find out my therapist has been 'mugging me off' as well.

Marriage

I'm reading Pride and Prejudice. I'd like to boast about my copy being passed down through the generations, but truthfully I got a kindle for Christmas and it's one of the freebies. There are tons of classics available for free download and I am determined to make the most of my two-hour-a-day train/reading time. Anyway, that's by-the-by.

For those of you who don't know the ins and outs of Pride and Prejudice, here goes...

It's around the early 1800's. Miss Elizabeth Bennett and her three sisters find themselves in their twenties and looking for husbands. So far, that's about it (I'm 42% of the way through, accuracy I can only thank to the wonderful people at kindle).

So far, I've learnt that  marriage back in those days was about much more than it is today. Nowadays marriage is about choice or 'marrying your best friend'. It is also much more focussed on the actual wedding day; spending 15 grand to make promises in front of your family and friends, with the back-up of divorce to reassure your doubts. Back in Elizabeth Bennet's day, marriage was equally as un-romantic, revolving mainly around assets and estates.

Jane Austin writes how Elizabeth Bennet is against marrying solely for the reason of money, how she seeks a marriage based more on admiration and love. Elizabeth witnesses her friend accepting a proposal of marriage from a Mr Collins, who in the previous chapter had his same offer declined by Elizabeth. (Oh, obviously there is a Mr Darcy - she has met him and she appears to hate him, but we all know that secretly she is in love with him. I'm yet to reach that part of the book).

So naturally, all this love/marriage talk got me thinking about our choices today and most importantly, my choices. I don't think anyone would admit these-days to marrying their partner solely for the reason of security. In fact, I shouldn't imagine anyone would admit to marrying solely for the reason of love either. I guess realistically it's a balancing act for all the traits you deem important when looking for a partner.

I've thought many times about the presence of perfectly suitable suitors (ha) available to me. I have many very decent guy friends, who no doubt would make the most amazing life partners. I can picture several of them impressing the family at Christmas, proposing in the most romantic way, holding my hand through child birth, picking up the kids from school and treating me to amazing anniversary presents. Thing is, as spoilt as it sounds, that's just not enough for me. I want that extra thing. That thing you read about it books. That connection, the love, the passion. That's why I am single. In a way I guess it's true what everyone says; I am too fussy.

I always joke about being attracted to losers. If you look at my last few boyfriends it is evident. But to be brutally honest, I think there is something romantic about being in love with someone who doesn't tick all those security boxes above. If I love them, I love them regardless of those things. For me, for a long time, love has been the most important tick box of all but perhaps its time to relax that rule a little - maybe I'm making a rod for my own back.

Or perhaps I have even more reason to do like Elizabeth Bennet and stick to my guns. Stick to my guns and keep waiting for this amazing love.

First Date Games

I have a situation. Of course, by situation I mean a boy. To be matter of fact, I actually have a date. A first date.

First dates are odd aren't they? A bit like a job interview really; 'What do you do?' 'Do you have any hobbies?' 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'. The first date is a job interview where neither one of you want to be seen to overly want to get. Both applicants are cool and aloof about the job on offer.

Of course not all job interviews, er I mean first dates, go this way. Sometimes you come across applicants who are mega keen. I've interviewed a few who have been very clear of what they want out of the job in question, namely a wife and kids. Obviously that kind of directness is off putting, well to me anyway. I guess even in a real life job interview the sucker-uppers never get through to the second stage. It's the ones who have that perfect balance of skill, attitude and confidence. 

This leads me to consider if first date games are an absolute necessary part of the dating process. Perhaps we need a bit of aloofness and lets-pretend-I-don't-even-fancy-you to keep things interesting and fun. Perhaps if two people met up in a swanky bar, ordered a couple of drinks and opened the chitchat with 'I really fancy you, will you be my boyfriend' the whole concept of dating would be ruined. This comes as a challenge to me. I am a heart-on-your-sleeve kind of gal. I tell everyone my secrets, I'm as honest as a nun. Dating games are difficult. This time however I am going to play. 

Perhaps I need to attack this situation like a would with a job (I'm pretty sure this was my downfall last time but oh well...). I think I want this job, I just need to find out a bit more about the, ahem, package. What are the benefits? Is there a lot of opportunity? What's the probationary period like? 

So my strategy looks a bit like this:

1. Aloof - I will not confess my interest in this job, I mean boy, oh no I mean game, oh god I have no idea. I will be cool as a cue, keep my distance, leave him guessing. 

2. Observe - whilst being my very unnaturally aloof self, I will sit back and look out for the IOIs (you remember my FPUA days right?). I need to keep sight of what his intensions. Which leads me on to my third and final rule...

3. A sex ban - that's right kids, no sex. It won't be easy but it's going to happen. I always fall in love with the guys I have sex with. I'm a passionate gal, I don't just have sex for sex sake, it's emotional for me. 

So that's it. My current situation will be battled with me acting like a don't care, whilst tying to find out if he does and keeping my legs shut. Sounds to me like I have this job in the bag...

The break up survival guide

This weekend I have been consoling a very good friend going through a break up.

Whilst offering them my shoulder and sharing my recently learnt tips for survival, I realised how far I had come on my own road to heart-ache recovery. I found myself on the other side of the love madness. I sat for hours listening to the back and forth reasoning of how this could have happened, the reminiscing of the romance and the emotional hysteria of tears one minute and laughter the next.

I do not envy my friend. I did, however, feel inspired to collect my survival tips and to share them with the world (well ok, this here blog):

1. Head vs. Heart

I shared my emotional battle with anyone who would listen. I wrote many a blog post on how much I cared for this boy regardless of how much I knew he was a douchebag and how he was nothing but bad news for me; this is classic head vs. heart.

I think, that in cases of heart ache you should always listen to your head. Your head is the one thinking. Your head is balancing up the situation and telling you what the right thing to do is, the most sensible thing, the thing that will protect you.

And your heart? Well, your heart can be cruel. Your heart still feels the same way about that ex. It longs for that feeling when you used to hang out, when you used to kiss, when you used to be happy together. If you listen to your heart it will have you doing anything to get that again. Anything. Regardless of how sensible/foolish the solution is. 

2. Hope

I love this word. I love it so much I want to get it permanently written on me. You have to have hope in anything you do or what else is the point.

Hope however can sometimes be cruel. False hope is the worst. To hope that a near on impossible situation will happen is literally heart breaking. Clinging all your hopes of happiness on to a reconciliation with your ex will near on kill you. Instead you need to step back and focus your hope on happiness full stop. Weather that be with your ex or not. You have to hope things will get better someday, with or without your ex.

I found peace in the idea that if things are 'meant to be' then they will be. I had faith in that and in turn I had hope.

3. Nothing lasts forever

Everyone experiences down days. Everyone knows how it feels to be at their lowest. It's not nice, you can think the most tragic thoughts - but this does not last. Post break up you will feel horrendous; you have hours of desperation, evenings of tears, days of gloom but fortunately life always goes on. Things happen, situations change and nothing ever stays the same. So feel low when you feel low, it's ok, but do not lose sight that things won't always be that way. 

4. Time and space

I know, it sounds so cheesy right? But it's so goddamn true! Take it a day at a time. Soon those days turn into weeks, then months. Before you know it, nearly a year has gone by and guess what; your still alive! Your heart break didn't kill you and maybe there is some truth in that old cliche 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'.

Hand in hand with time is space. Space without that person texting you or popping up on your Facebook helps you to come to terms with the reality of the situation. It helps you to focus on the most important thing; yourself, without any emotional upheaval. Space helps to clear your head (see, I said head not heart), to help you see the situation from the outside, to be objective.

5. Advice
You won't want to hear it. In fact, you won't be able to even process it. You will discuss your problems with anyone who will listen but you do not want to hear their advice. Their advice is probably the along the same kind of lines of what your head is telling you but that your heart is trying to drown out. It's ok. You have to go through this. When you're ready to listen you will and it will help.

I guess number 5 kind of makes this post redundant. Ah well. All this totally makes sense to me.

Plenty of... Perverts

My beginners luck on POF (Plenty of Fish) continued. Quite honestly, my inbox has never felt so desired. The quality of my catches need to be questioned though. I've been frequently screen-grabbing, entertaining my pals with some of the e-lines that have been pulled on me these last few weeks.

Of course I have been receiving the unimaginative, and quite frankly boring, opening lines of 'hey, u ok?' but unless the fish in question has an intriguing profile snap, that kind of message simply gets ignored. There have also been the equally as short and equally as uncreative one liners full of flattery; 'hey gorgeous x'. I even had a marriage proposal. 

Regardless of the perverts, my POF experience hasn't been fruitless. I've been chitchating to one (seemingly) nice boy. There is a possibility of a date there, maybe. Also the local search function has meant I have been contacted by guys I know in real life. One guy I know on the outside messaged me the sweet message of 'I won't tell if you won't'. There has been conversation with a few other local lads too. Not sure that's a good thing or not tbh.

The online flirting has spilled over into real life too. For the first time in a long time, I have a few texting convos happening, with a number of different guys. It's nice to have options. What's an innocent little bit of texting anyway...

POF: Plenty of Fish

I have kept it no secret that I have tried many of the online dating sites. I have tried out Tinder and Match.com. At one point I was even using FB as a potential dating tool. I'll admit however that I have never seriously used them to look for a date. Sure, I've uploaded a few snaps and made a good looking profile (I am in marketing after all...), but then I just let all the messages and likes roll in, rarely doing anything about them. I've probably been using it as an ego boost. Well, that is up until now.

Online dating has lost some of the shame it once had. Well, at least it's popularity has improved in my social circles. Urban relationship myths are spreading around friendship groups like wild fire; 'I know two friends who met their new boyfs on Tinder' and 'The couple who's wedding I am going to at the weekend met on Guardian Soulmates'. It's these hopeful stories that are encouraging singles to pop on to the App Store and download the latest fad in online dating.  

So my latest is Plenty of Fish (POF). Well, actually I have been a member for years. Again I set up my profile but just left it hanging. I kind of forgot about it until recently when a friend wholeheartedly pushed herself into online dating using POF and I think she'd say it had been a success.  

This morning, on the way to work, I downloaded the app and logged into my old account. I updated my profile (up-ing my age bracket search) and away I went. Within minutes I had my first message from vnice2meetu79. Then a few notifications popped up on my screen, it seemed Jonnyboy147, Andy_pandy82 and Ben-evolent liked what they saw too (seriously, you could not make this shiz up). 

All morning my phone was vibrating with notifications for messages from these dudes. In total I had 32 messages, in just one morning. I had to turn off my notifications to avoid the (unwanted) distraction from work. I hate to sound ungrateful but it kind of began to irritate me. Instead of feeling excited and hopeful at the prospect of all these potential dates, I felt unrealistically bombarded with cheesy, suggestive chat-up lines. 

OK, I will give some of the guys credit; I did receive a few nice, polite messages with a little intro, but on the whole it felt weird. I am as yet to respond to any. I want to sift through the messages at my own leisure and seriously consider weather any of these dudes are worth the effort. Obvs I am just thinking messaging but I am the worst for (not) messaging when I really am not interested - it just slips my mind. 

I promise to keep you up-to-date and entertained with any strange messages I receive. Who knows, this could be a great success. At the very least it's someone to message, right?

An Idiots Guide to Tinder

Whilst arranging a monthly catch up dinner with an old Uni pal this week, she asked if I had any goss for her.
Er what do you think
I typed back.
Her response; Have you tried Tinder? 

So I jumped on Google and gave this thing called Tinder a quick search.
The app that helps you meet people for sex

Typical, I thought. One of my smug-married friends pushing me to online dating - not only online dating but online casual sex. God, she must think times are v tough. 

Well, I stand corrected.

Tinder is an app, kind of a cross between Match, Google maps and that mega old site Hot or Not (remember that?!). Super quick to set up, your account links to FB to grab your profile pics, but don't worry, it defo doesn't appear on your feed. You can add a little bio line if you like and away you go! 

The app searches for men (or women - whatever you preference) in your area by mile radius, leaving you to simply sift through the pile; literally swiping them one way for no and the other for yes. If your lucky, every so often a little notification pops up letting you know you've made a match - you've yes'd them and they've yes'd you. Your matches then hang about on the right hand navigation bar, ready for you to strike up a little flirt convo. 

Boy is it addictive. I think I am intrigued by the seemingly endless pile of boy faces appearing on my screen, they're actually some pretty cute ones too. 

My top Tinder tips:

• Don't swipe with hast - swiping through the hot or not's can get quite speedy, but with one false thumb move you could lose that cutie for good, BE WARNED
• Don't get fooled by the clever people at Tinder telling you 'your children would be so cute' when you open up a chat for the first time - their sneaky and flirty and trying to get you chit chatting
• Notice how many guys have their profile pics with girls, weird huh? Also a lot of them have naked snaps, ones where they are clearly wasted or ones with the lads in Zante 2012, leaving you guessing which one Dave, 28 actually is

I'm keeping my cool - somethings not right

I've formed a very unlikely friendship with Mr Double Date. It's surprisingly really nice and making me realise that maybe I can hold down a healthy relationship (when I say relationship, I mean a connection between two people, not boyfriend/girlfriend - I have to clear that up before conclusions are jumped to).

I've met up with him a few times since the this-isn't-going-anywhere conversation and it's been nice and fun. There has even been a few texts exchanged, back and fourth, nearly everyday. What I feel is particularly healthy about this situation is my lack of getting carried away. I am acting so cool as a cucumber.

When I think more about this (obviously in a controlled, un-carried away manner) I consider many reasons as to why this might be. 

Maybe it's because I'm not that interested in him as anything more than just a friend. Maybe I just don't fancy him. But you see, when I consider this some more, I actually think I do fancy him a little. He's cute and my impression of him so far is that he is super reliable - number one on my perfect guy list (which by the way totes needs to be made into a real life list, not to be followed by the book, simply just for laughs). Also when I compare him to my other male friends I do actually find myself attracted to him, whereas I'm not attracted to them. Ew no, they're my friends, not potential boy-ness. 

This kinda brings me on to my second consideration as to why I'm being cool about this. After the this-isn't-going-anywhere chat I did quite literally add him to the pile of guys who I consider just as friends. When someones on that pile you see, it doesn't matter what they think of me, what I look like, weather they fancy me or not - it doesn't matter, they don't need to fancy me. Perhaps I've added him to this pile and therefore there is no buzz, no spark, no crazy.

The most probable explanation for all of this is that we are simply just friends. There is no interest in this going any further for either of us, but we both just find it nice to have someone to text and occasionally see. Well, whatever the reason it's fine by me. I feel fine about things whatever they are and that's progress for me.

Credit for Mr Double Date

Last night I met up with Mr Double Date for a drink. Officially it was the fourth date. In the lead up to it yesterday-day I was beginning to worry about what this might mean... Basically, I was going to have to snog him right? Wrong.

I met him at 830, I was already at the bar perusing the food menu. He did quite literally appear out of nowhere, I whipped  my head around and he was standing there. He looked a little nervous, as per usual, but I was cool as cue. After the obligatory 'hello, how are you?' he let me in on the fact that he only had two pound to last him until payday. Looks like I'll be buying the drinks then. If only I had a pound for every time...

The convo was good; chatty, flowing, there were even a few chuckles here and there. At about 10 I paid the bill (naturally). When I returned to the table he dropped this dating bombshell; 

'So what's happening here?'

A little shocked I collected my thoughts and formed some words. 

'Well I duno, I'm just going with the flow, it's nice to hang out...'

You know what actually went through my right at that minute? I thought there would be no way ON EARTH I would ever say that to a dude I was 'dating'. That I would never, and actually have never, address the situation so full on. I always thought that made me aloof and casual and not one of those bunny-boiler women who demand girlfriend status after the first boob graze. 

If the whole addressing the pink-elephant-in-the-room thing didn't have me falling off my bar stool, then the next thing he said would definitely do the trick;

'I just wanted to tell you that I really don't see this going anywhere, as in a relationship. I didn't think it would be fair to lead you on after all the drama of your last dating disaster' (yes he did know all about the Mr CBA situation but I didn't share the information in a crazy-not-over-the-ex kind of way, it was more of a I'm-not-really-feeling-myself-at-the-mo-and-this-is-one-of-the-reasons-why situation).

I was dumbfounded. No guy has ever, EVER been this honest and up front with me before. I don't think I have ever been that up front with a guy back. Lets give this dude the credit he deserves.

He carried on to say that he hoped we could still hang out, which of course we can! I'll just add him to my pile of non-sexual male friends. Easy peesy. 

When I was driving home I couldn't help my mind from milling all this over. I know it isn't necessary, he's told me all the facts and I'm really not that interested in him anyway, but in my mind is was like breaking news on Sky; 

Just In: Mr Double Date puts an end to the potential of any future with Shel, releasing a statement saying he 'doesn't see a relationship happening'. We go live to the scene to find out the implications of this on Shels sanity

I wondered if it was simply that he didn't fancy me (fair enough, I can add him to that pile too). I crazily thought about the amount of weight I've gained recently, blaming my biscuit binge for the end of another potential fling. It then crossed my mind that if only Mr CBA had been as honest with me as this way back in December when we first started hanging out, things could have been so different. I might not have lost my sanity.

Ah well. This little exercise filled its purpose; I needed to get back out there, I needed a little confidence boost (although I'm not sure if that objective was completed) and I needed to forget about Mr CBA (hmm, jury's still out on that one too...). Well, all in all I met someone new, made a new friend. All is good in the hood.

Mr Double Date Update

This week's been a bit tricky. I'm not sure if it's the holiday come down, pms, bipolar or all three, but getting on with regular things has been difficult.

Work is one big chunk of my life that I find challenging when I'm feeling like this. Having to go in and do a good job, not least just being on top of things, is not easy. To ease the pressure I tell myself to not worry about doing a great job but to just do the essentials, no need to load myself down with extra pressure of trying to impress people. 

It can be difficult to get stuff done at home after a long day of trying to keep motivated at work, but I've read some really good advice on this. They say to just set yourself the smallest of tasks, once you complete these you get that sense of achievement which boosts your self esteem, hence that feel good feeling. 

Last night I recycled a load of old magazines and catalogues. Tonight I am going to collapse the clothes horse that hangs about it my living room all bloody week. If I'm feeling particularly accomplished after that I might clean the bathroom. I did say 'might', no pressure or anything. Oh and certainly no crisps for dinner, although I do have a taste for thyme flavoured chicken with a side of humous. They're not wrong those clever people at Walkers; this combo really is a taste sensation.

There is one thing playing on my mind, I didn't want to write too much about it because it's confusing but perhaps I need to get it out of my mind. I've even been struggling with my own personal journal recently. 

So you know Mr Double Date? Well we went out again last week. In the build up to it I was a little excited (well, as much as I can be at the mo). I was looking forward to another nice evening chit-chatting and getting to know him some more. I kind of got the impression that he has his own issues at the mo too. If you add his confused mind to mine you've got yourself some messed up conversation. And it was. Conversation was a little odd.

Since we went out last I hadn't heard from him so the other night I messaged just asking how his week was. His reply was really down, which I could kinda understand. There were a few more tennis texts all along the same lines. I SOS text a gal pal exclaiming that he seemed weird and that I am weird enough without any added external influences. She suggested putting a stop to the whole dating thing, but since then he has asked if I want to go out again. Do I? I'm not sure. 

When I think more about it (which I constantly am, obviously) it crosses my mind that it's probably not him at all. I don't think I want to get involved with anyone. Even if the man of my dreams strolled along right now I think I would find something wrong about the situation, cling on to it and eventually use it as an excuse to dump him.

But you see, this is where it gets complicated, because in the same breath I don't want to be alone either. Gosh. Can you see how my little fucked up brain works now? I feel too fragile without hope of my current situation changing. A friend at work also suggested I should knock this Mr Double Date thing on the head, but you see it's not as simple as that. It's flipping symbolic now because this exercise was ment to be me getting back out there. Now it just feels like another boy disaster. Oh tits. 

Single Pros and Cons

I've made an observation. I am the last single amongst all of my friends. I'm not being dramatic, all of my close friends are in fact paired off. How has this suddenly happened? How have I missed this? Well, I suppose all my friends were out getting lives whilst I was entirely distracted by and wasting time with Mr CBA.

I'm going to try not to be so moany and annoying about this potentially very depressing fact (see, I'm not bothered at all). I am going to try to not let this get to me, mainly because I am concerned that this here blog is only a few posts away from being a Bridgette Jones-esque memoir of all things single, size 14 and drunk. Also, as you all probably know by now, my emotional state at the moment is fragile. If I dwell too much on this I could quite easily go insane.

Yesterday a friend was telling me about a blog entitled fortydaysofdating.com. The blog follows two single friends who are dating as an experiment for 40 days, in the hope they break their self confessed bad relationship habits (they say it takes just 40 days to break any habit; smoking, over eating or even falling for dickheads). I have only caught up after the first few dates. At the time of writing this post they are only on day 16. I am really looking forward to reading what they discover and if, so the about page wonders, they do in fact fall in love.

This all got me thinking about the pros and cons of being single vs. hooked up.
Here is my little list;

Pros:
I can date/have sex with whoever I like, whenever I like
I can decorate my flat in all things Cath Kidston and Laura Ashley if I really really wanted to
I don't have to be home in time to put his dinner on
No Sky Sports
There is always the possibility that today I could meet the most amazing guy who I could fall madly in love with and spend the rest of my life blissfully happy
Sleeping alone in my big comfy bed

Cons:
Attending family/friends do's without a plus one
No one cares if your home from work or alive (my Mum doesn't count)
No cuppa tea bought to you in bed at the weekend
Having to take the rubbish out
Having to buy your own gifts e.g. jewelry, flowers, random electrical goods
No BFF who loves you and cares about you conditionally and entirely selflessly
Sleeping alone in my big comfy bed

When ever my relationship status becomes hot topic of conversation amongst smug married friends ("He's just a nob head with no nob!" "No need to sieve it; stir it Una") there are always a few that insist a relationship is not the be-all-and-end-all. That boys are sometimes really rubbish. After relaying my sexy senora story to another long term relationship-ed friend she confessed that she wished she could get up to mischief like that. Maybe you have to find a happy balance of single vs. married or maybe that's impossible. Maybe you gotta pick your box and stick to it. Truthfully I have no idea, but does anyone? We all make the best decisions we can at the time and slowly the days tick by.

Ultimately I guess all of this this simply boils down to the age old problem of the grass always being greener. 

Going with the flow part 2

So I've been asked out on two dates. I bet your thinking 'fantastic! Go get 'em! Do it for us relationship bound bores!'. Well I'm not thinking any of those things. I'm actually thinking that I really can't be arsed. I know I'm being a cow, sometimes I like to be.

I text Mr Double Date on Monday. I just thought I should, it's not like I have loads of offers (well I've got two to be precise). I thought I should just go for it. You know, go with the flow.Then Mr Friends Brother  text and again, I thought 'why not?'. There was some texts back and fourth; I was going with the flow.

Well the flow has now lead me to a decision making crossroads; to date or not to date. Oh god, I am hating having to make any decisions at all at the moment. This one could end me up in all sorts of drama I really cannot be bothered with. Although, one question that keeps playing on my mind is why not? What's an evening out, a drink, some texting? All innocent fun, well it's supposed to be fun even if I'm not feeling it at the moment.

And so, in the spirit of going with the flow I've decided to take these two boys up on their offers. I now have two dates lined up before my holiday #playingthefield. 

Getting back on the horse

So I need to get back out there. If not to give my hugely dented ego a little boost but to also give myself some hope of there actually being someone decent out there for me. This time however I am approaching things differently. Firstly I am not doing any chasing whatsoever; if he's bothered he'll come my way, I am not twisting anyone elses arm into liking me. Secondly I am keeping a lid on my expectations; no day dreaming of what our wedding would be like five minutes into the first date and no hope of anything turning into something. I am taking these boys for exactly what they are, I am completely going with the flow.

So I have three potentials. When I say potentials I do literally mean potential dates, not boyfriends, not lovers and certainly not future husbands. What I really want right now is a nice evening and some nice conversation. That's it. Full stop. I don't even want any funny business. The thought of all that... ugh. Not bothered whatsoever.

Anyway, so these three potentials...

Mr Double Date
This is an interesting one. One of the girls has just started seeing this lovely new boy who she met out in town (yes, it happens, decent men can be found in The Rose! I know, I know and I was biggest skeptic...). Thing is with lovely boys is that they tend to have lovely friends, or so my friend has led me to believe. I have met him a few times already, but both times I or he was majorly under the influence of alcohol (most probably Jaegermeister). But, these drunken meetings haven't put either of us off. A double date is booked in for this week. I promise to keep you in the loop.

Mr Friends Brother
I know, this never ends well. That's the reason my friend has been fighting this for quite some time, but I am doing my no expectations thing remember? He's single, I'm single, whats the harm in a little drink and a chit chat? It's quite nice to talk to someone new and get to know someone else. My friend has supposedly passed on my number so we'll see.

Mr Suger Daddy
Right, so this one is so unlike me. But this dude is an actual man, like a fully grown adult, interesting no? I really don't fancy him but I'm interested. He's a really good talker and a really good listener. And what do I like best after wine and food? Talking of course! We would get on like a house on fire. Plus he's a man, he would most probably do all the chasing, the planning, the organising - that sounds great right? No thinking about where I should meet him or what time. Actually that sounds amazing, perhaps that should be the third thing I do differently this time around in all this dating business; no organising.

Obviously I am still majorly in love with Mr CBA, I dreamt he came running back to me the other night. Ha, I am bonkers. But I know I need to get over this now. I've reached the point where I realise this is not good for me, I need to start feeling good about myself again and I think going on a few dates and meeting some new boys could help with that. As I said above I am not actively seeking out any of this, I am letting fate work its magic, what will be.

Great Expectations

I'm sure I've mentioned before that I have horrendously high expectations. I expect far too much from friendships, relationships, my career and whilst attempting not to sound too dramatic; life. When I was younger I imagined myself as an adult with an incredible job, loads of friends and a fantastic dating/boy life. I guess I just imagined things would be all rosy.

Where does all this come from? Who knows. Recently I've seen lots of comedy Facebook status' and pins on Pinterest blaming Disney for women's high expectations when it comes to things like boys (and of course, hair). I guess they could be held a little responsible. And if Disney are a little at fault I guess so are Chick-Lit writers, Rom-Com directors and Patrick Swayze.

It's not just me who expects a boy to fall madly in love with me, climb up a fire escape with a bunch of red roses and snog my face off whilst a classic 80's tune plays in the background, loads of other girls want that too. Why do you think we keep reading those shitty novels where we all know the ending and keep watching those shitty films that make us cry; we want our happy ending.

At 26, I now feel in a place where I need to manage my ridiculously high expectations of men, before they are all discarded to the he's-lush-but-he-just-can't-dance-the-mirange scrap heap. After spending 2 years of my early twenties with a guy who I felt at the time made no effort, I thought I deserved much more; I thought I deserved the perfect guy who met all my expectations. I was not going to settle for less. Two and half years on, I am still single.

Firstly I don't actually think there is a guy out there who checks everything off my list; teeth, triangle, brains, height, funny, Kardashian lover, wine drinker... The list goes on, obviously. It's near on impossible to find this guy. Secondly, say just for one second he is out there, do I even deserve this guy?! Perhaps I am not good enough for this near on perfect guy, maybe I'm awful.
So perhaps I should start to think about which expectations I can let go off or at least be lenient with. What can I let slide with the guy I actually quite like. A sort of expectation priority list.

Probably number one on my expectation list is reliability. People or guys who let me down really get my goat; if we make plans we do it, if I plan something I mean it. I struggle to be lenient here. This is a biggy for me. I can however be lenient on texting; I'm alright not hearing from you for a few days, it's cool, what would we chit-chat about anyway? I can do funny, witty texts but I struggle with conversational messages. There is only so many times you can ask What are you up to today? Drinking I'm ok with, who am I to lecture anyone about excessive nights on wine/beer/Jaegerbombs anyway. Drugs? A step too far, massive no-no.

I could go on forever. The point is sometimes you have to let some your expectations of relationships, jobs and life go. By holding on to them you go a little crazy and most importantly risk missing out on something amazing that you hadn't quite imagined or expected. Sure, keep your standards but just keep those great expectations in check.

The Disappearing Singleton

Recently I have been observing something I have not experienced for a very long time. Not since the days of my first school romance with Mr Reliable have I felt this way. I am sure you have all experienced this too at one time or another, perhaps it has even been you acting this way.

You know when your gal pal meets a new guy and she quickly disappears off the raider? She's not available for a midweek glass of wine at the drop of a hat anymore, you might have to book her up a whole week in advance - the cheek of it! She might also be slow at texting back; funny how love affects the texting skills.

I have had countless friends disappear into their lovely new relationship. It's not just girls either, boys do it too, actually I sometimes think boys are worse than girls. I like to think of myself as an understanding friend who would never blame any friend for doing this. I sort of think that if that were me I would want my friend to be understanding of my reasons. This honeymoon phase doesn't last that long anyway. Give it a few months or maybe a year and your pal will realise she has been too focused on herself. It's cool. If she doesn't come back to you or if your not supportive of her then the bottom line is your not that good friends.

There is another thing that I have witnessed that happens almost simultaneously when your friend starts dating the right guy as opposed to all those wrong ones. When she meets Mr Right she stops sharing the juicy sex details and you never hear her complain about him not texting her back. It's almost as if things are so perfect she has nothing to talk about (by talk I obviously mean the thing that we girls do best, that's moan). When you finally get hold of your gal pal and book a drink or dinner in for two weeks on Thursday (when the new boyf is away, obvs) she spends the entire evening with a sickly smile plastered across her face and puts a positive spin on EVERYTHING.

Recently I caught myself disappearing a little.

Obviously I am not claiming to have met Mr Right but I think I have met a Mr Right Now. I haven't had a boy in my life like this for quite some time. The last few times I have met up with the girls I have heard the phrase 'oh your just loved up' and more than once let me tell you. I pride myself in never putting bros before hoes and I have always been really good at it. I am independent when it comes to things like friends and socialising, even when in a relationship, but boy am I finding it hard this time round to juggle all things friends and boys.

I have always been determined not to become one of those smug married types. You've all seen Bridget Jones' diary. The bit where she goes alone to the dinner party with a thousand loved up couples and they interrogate her into the working mind of a 30 year old singleton. In a funny sort of way I looked up to her. For most of my early twenties I wanted to be single and man-less just so I could say 'Nope, I don't need a man, women can be cool AND single'. I think that's why I loved Sex and The City so much, they were all very cool and very single for most of the 6 seasons. But surely I can have a boy and still champion the rights for the single women? Beyonce does it. Also my dream of becoming Bridget Jones could still be realised one day.

I suppose this singleton dissapearing act is a bit like the fairy tale ending 'and they lived happily ever after'. Which is lovely and probably something my Mum really wishes for me but I don't think it will happen this way for me. I think no matter my relationship status I will also be a little bit of a singleton.

"You could do so much better"

I hate this phrase, it's just utter bullshit. You'd hear this from your friend after that guy you liked dumped you, you might even say it back to that friend when the guy she likes dumps her. Some girls probably find great comfort in this little phrase, but no, not me. I hate it.

I heard this a lot during my two years on-and-off with Mr Rebellious. Every time he stood-me-up, or was asleep when we were meant to be going out or dropped off the face of the earth for a few days without a word of warning; my Mum, my friends and anyone else I moaned to about him would conclude our entire conversation with "You could do so much better".

When I was with Mr Rebellious I kinda thought this was true. I knew he was a bit different to all the nice guys my friends were going out with, my Mum told me this with her disappointed tone pretty much every day. I knew I was nice to him, I treated him with respect and I would foolishly never stand-him-up back (probably because I didn't want to face facts that he wouldn't actually be that bothered). When I ended things I thought I would go on to bigger, better things, that I would meet a nice guy who treated me lovely; I have been single for over two years.

"You could do so much better" suggests you were out of your ex-beau's league, that he will one day wake up with the realisation that he was a massive tool and will kick himself for letting you go, meanwhile your living-it-up with the absolute man of your dreams and a great big smile on your face. I know it's supposed to be a positive thing to make you feel better about yourself but I simply think it sets the poor dumped person up for disappointment. Also what about the idea that some people simply cannot do much better than their ex, what if they deserved everything they got from their ex - I am sure they would also be told that exact same bullshit phrase.

I get told all the time I am too fussy with guys, that I need to lower my standards (which kinda suggests they think I am a little above my station when it comes to guys, but I digress). I know this is not true. I know what I am looking for, I know I just want that spark/connection with someone. It doesn't matter who they are or what they do; if there's a spark, there's a spark and I will go explore. It's not about doing much better than the previous or than anyone for that matter it's just about finding the right guy. I guess that's what gets me in pickles with guys others deem not worthy of me in the first place.

Now when I hear this much dreaded phrase I simply ask right back; "Well where is this Mr Perfect?". Next time you get told this just have a little think, you can hit them in the face with my back comment if you like, buy that's only if your as cynical and bitter as me.