The big black cloud

It's no big secret that I've been struggling with things over the last few months. I've been reluctant to write too much about it to be honest. Mainly because I was worried what people would think. I've been unusually guarded about it, even with friends.

You must believe me when I say that I am the first person to question what I have got to feel down about. I have a good job, a lovely home, lots of friends, an amazingly supportive family and above all else; their health and mine. But that's the funny thing about depression, you cannot shake that black cloud, no matter how hard you try. It's not at all about being ungrateful, it's unhealthy thought processes and emotions, both of which are completely uncontrollable.

Personally, I think I've always been emotional and a big thinker. I've written five notebooks full of my worries and woes since I was 16. I think a few months back I was simply going through a really emotional time and it threw me off balance. 

I was starting a new chapter of my life. I'd taken up the challenge and opportunity of a new job, leaving a very comfortable one which I was happy in and where I had made good friends, to push myself and progress. Pretty much simultaneously a relationship came to an end. Wrongly or rightly I had got carried away. I innocently had feelings for him, I liked how I felt with him, I liked spending time with him and most importantly I liked having feelings for someone. That was simply it. But as simple as it seemed to me it seemed extremely difficult for him and predictably it didn't work out (I'm sure you've all read the rest). Then, just as I was thinking how strong I was going to have to be to get through/over all this emotional stuff, I lost my Nan. She was a big part of our family, such a big part of Mum's life, very muchly loved and very muchly missed. Well that sort of tipped me over the edge!

Things were tough. There were moments of desperation and lots of tears. If I wasn't at work worrying about whether or not I'd made the right decision to change jobs, I was alone thinking how lonely and heartbroken I was. And if I wasn't thinking about all/either of the above, I was faced with the loss of my Nan. 

As the weeks have passed by (and I've been dragged to many a doctor appointment by my Mum) things have improved. I am dealing with things much better. I feel more balanced and sometimes happier too, but it's a work in progress, perhaps it always will be. I never understood depression before all this. I didn't understand how it felt, that it's completely uncontrollable and quite scary too. In those moments of madness you lose all sense of reality and the smallest of worries become the biggest, life altering ones. 

I would not have got through any of this if it wasn't for my Mum. She has been the most supportive and understanding person, probably ever. And boy, does all this make you realise who your real friends are. 

Post Date Evaluation

Double-date night was fun. It was a little awkward which was a bit strange but it was ok. My usual defence for awkward situations is to just talk my way through it. And I did. When the evening came to a close my GF said the obligatory 'this was fun, we should do it again' to which I agreed. Since then however I haven't been all that fussed. He was nice, don't get me wrong, but he seemed quite young. I'm just not sure we're on the same page with things and I've tried it with plenty of those guys in the past. It just doesn't work.

A few days later my GF sent me his number saying Mr Double Date had asked for it to be passed along. That's nice I guess but it means the balls in my court; that completely goes against my current action plan of not doing any chasing. Plus, I'm really not bothered enough to do any chasing. Ah well, it hasn't even been a week yet. If I change my mind I can always get in touch. Nothing else to report on any other date action, but that's ok. It's nice to get to know new people but I'm not that fussed at the moment. 

This week I have mainly been enjoying my job (major development, although I don't want to speak too soon) and nesting. My speciality has become late night DIY. I have been spontaneously deciding to put up picture shelves and coat hooks at ludicrous times of the day (and yes, sometimes under the influence of wine). Nothing too challenging I know, but it kind of is without the right equipment. I've really had to put my man drawer to the test (and how far my Dads love will stretch when it comes to rescuing me at 1030 at night with his electric drill). 

I've been thinking about redecorating too. It would be a nice weekend project now that I have both days to myself. Last night I was shopping Ikea's mobile site and taking screen grabs of the bits I like and Pinterest has become my porn. Perhaps I'm channeling all that wasted boy energy into my biggest love; my home. 

Progress... I think

I've been feeling good these last few days. I actually feel a lot more like the old me; works been more stable, I've had less than frequent moments of madness and I'm feeling much better with the whole Mr CBA situation. You gotta take things everyday at a time though. The problem with a good few days means I'll probably have a few bad ones, but we'll see. The good ones are getting better at least.

Tonight's date night. I'm really looking forward to it. There's a lot less pressure on a double date, it's casual, less awkward. It should be really fun. I feel like this is another step to getting back to normal and I  really want to get my flirt on again. 

I'm jetting off to sunny weather in a few weeks (four weeks today I'll be bronzed on the beach, but whose counting?!). I'm spending the week with my bestie. Our plan? Well mostly sunning ourselves, eating lovely food and drinking delicious sangria. I also plan to just chill out and sort myself out once and for all. I want to come back amazing! Like transformed. A bit like that moment in Miss Congeniality when Sandra Bullock struts along after her mamouth makeover! I'm going to be refreshed, tanned and not just back to my old self but an even better version of her! 

I realised the other day I've spent the last six months mopping around over boys, work and life when I should be out there living it. The second half of 2013 is going to be ace. It's not going to be easy but I've got to make it happen. Perhaps sometimes you need to take time out to sort your head out, perhaps I've just been reassessing things these last few months. 

One of the things I found sad about losing my nan was that she always helped me gain perspective. I would go to see her with all these silly problems on my mind but she would just be sat there, not a worry in the world and surrounded by such caring friends and family. It made me realise my worries were so trivial. When I'm 88 I won't give a monkeys about that work problem or how I struggled to pay the bills. All I will care about it is my friends and family and staying awake to watch Home and Away at 6. My nan had so many stories to tell, many of which she told over and over again, I loved that. If she was here now she would tell me to cheer up. Not to worry and have fun. So that's what I'm going to do. Thanks Nanna!

Getting back on the horse

So I need to get back out there. If not to give my hugely dented ego a little boost but to also give myself some hope of there actually being someone decent out there for me. This time however I am approaching things differently. Firstly I am not doing any chasing whatsoever; if he's bothered he'll come my way, I am not twisting anyone elses arm into liking me. Secondly I am keeping a lid on my expectations; no day dreaming of what our wedding would be like five minutes into the first date and no hope of anything turning into something. I am taking these boys for exactly what they are, I am completely going with the flow.

So I have three potentials. When I say potentials I do literally mean potential dates, not boyfriends, not lovers and certainly not future husbands. What I really want right now is a nice evening and some nice conversation. That's it. Full stop. I don't even want any funny business. The thought of all that... ugh. Not bothered whatsoever.

Anyway, so these three potentials...

Mr Double Date
This is an interesting one. One of the girls has just started seeing this lovely new boy who she met out in town (yes, it happens, decent men can be found in The Rose! I know, I know and I was biggest skeptic...). Thing is with lovely boys is that they tend to have lovely friends, or so my friend has led me to believe. I have met him a few times already, but both times I or he was majorly under the influence of alcohol (most probably Jaegermeister). But, these drunken meetings haven't put either of us off. A double date is booked in for this week. I promise to keep you in the loop.

Mr Friends Brother
I know, this never ends well. That's the reason my friend has been fighting this for quite some time, but I am doing my no expectations thing remember? He's single, I'm single, whats the harm in a little drink and a chit chat? It's quite nice to talk to someone new and get to know someone else. My friend has supposedly passed on my number so we'll see.

Mr Suger Daddy
Right, so this one is so unlike me. But this dude is an actual man, like a fully grown adult, interesting no? I really don't fancy him but I'm interested. He's a really good talker and a really good listener. And what do I like best after wine and food? Talking of course! We would get on like a house on fire. Plus he's a man, he would most probably do all the chasing, the planning, the organising - that sounds great right? No thinking about where I should meet him or what time. Actually that sounds amazing, perhaps that should be the third thing I do differently this time around in all this dating business; no organising.

Obviously I am still majorly in love with Mr CBA, I dreamt he came running back to me the other night. Ha, I am bonkers. But I know I need to get over this now. I've reached the point where I realise this is not good for me, I need to start feeling good about myself again and I think going on a few dates and meeting some new boys could help with that. As I said above I am not actively seeking out any of this, I am letting fate work its magic, what will be.

Going with the flow

Sort of had a revelation. Well, it's this week's revelation anyway.

I am a control freak (no, that's not my revelation, I've been aware of this for quite some time, I'm simply laying down the foundations for you). I've mentioned before that I like to plan things, not necessarily the small things for example the food shopping, but those big life things; getting a new car, moving out, career progression. Up until now everything has pretty much worked to plan, lucky ol' me eh? For a little while (mainly my early twenties) I was completely focused on these aims; I was happy for Uni/work to be my priority over boys, I wanted work to be a big, happy part of my life. 

Now however I find myself wanting a bit more than just the 9 to 5 sense of accomplishment. I feel I have now reached a point in my career where I have conquered a massive fear and I'm at a place I always dreamt to be, perhaps now I'm looking for the next big life thing. 

Unlike most of my friends, and probably half of the universe, I'm not dreaming about a boy, about what our future might be like, planning weddings, babies. To be honest, over the last few months I've been completely unable to look any further than the weekend. Quite frankly, who knows what I'll be doing next week or how I'll feel about it. 

Let's just for one minute though float the idea of this being ok. Let's go along with the idea of no self inflicted pressure, no expectations, just plodding through each day, week. Seriously going with the flow. A friend recently pointed out that she doesn't really have a plan or necessarily set herself goals and in my opinion she's doing pretty fantastic. Perhaps this plan thing has worked up until now, maybe now I need to just chill the fuck out. It's times like these I wish I smoked (cigarettes and/or spiffs if you were wondering). It's such a 'go with the flow' thing to do, not to mention relaxing.

I know the grass is always greener (no pun intended), especially for me, I recognise I'm never really satisfied. But i want to know whats next, I want to have hope in something, I want to know I'm moving forward and not standing still. I guess it all boils down to wanting to feel I have more of a purpose in life than to just poodle into work and send a few emails.

'Last orders at the bar!'

Yesterday was my last pub shift for a while. Officially I'm having a month or two off, unofficially I'm contemplating never stepping a foot in that pub again. I haven't left momentarily solely because of Mr CBA, although he is a big part of it. I have been juggling two work worlds for nearly two years now; it would be nice to have my weekends back. Also I originally went back there because I loved the job and I missed it. Now it's an awkward six hours on a Sunday that I dread all week. That phrase 'don't shit where you eat' springs to mind...

I'm hoping that I will recoup over the next few weeks and be right back to my old self again, marching straight back behind that bar and giving two fingers to all those asshole guys and girls. I'm hoping I'll be begging for my shifts back. Not sure though, perhaps my pub days are over. Maybe six years of pouring pints to the good old drunks (and perves) of Henlow is enough for me and my Crown alter ego. Hmm, we'll see.

It's funny because that place has been such a huge part of my life, especially over the last few years. I love it there. I treat it like my second home! I know it's a shame to let some boy ruin it, so he won't, don't worry, I wont let him. I've had quite a lot of beef with people in that place over the years and I always out live them. Also, as a back up plan I've got quite good ammunition, I could spread willy rumours about him #justsaying (and he thinks I'm too nice? Mwhahahaha).

All jokes a side it's a relief. I don't have to talk to him, look at him, see him, hear rumours about him and some dumb waitress. I can sort of pretend now that it never happened. Bury my head in the sand. Well, they do say ignorance is bliss. 

Mr CBA

I have been meaning to write for quite some time. Over the past two months I have actually written several draft posts explaining the situation/my head/my heart, but I never had the inclination to finish them. Some of the writing however was quite good, even if I do say so myself. So to give my broken hearted self her little moment of fame, here's some snippets;

I've been quiet the last week or so. Funny my absence comes after a few smug entries about how good I was feeling about the boy situation. Well, almost as punishment from God, things turned sour last weekend. Surprise, surprise. Over the past week I have quite literally been mending my broken heart, damaged ego and all round confidence when it comes to the one thing in my life that i have absolutely no control over; men. 

What a hard pill to swallow; to be told you are just not amazing enough and that he simply doesn't like you enough...  I think I kind of needed him to be honest and blunt with me though, to sort of shock myself into the reality of this really not working.

I don't think I have felt rejection quite like this. Obviously we have all experienced boy rejection at some time in our lives; school playground, first crush, one night stand you thought meant much more... Previous relationships of mine ended because of me, because my feelings changed, I instigated it or I made the decision. This situation has entirely ended because this guy was simply just not that into me.

The biggest upset for me isn't the fact that I won't be hearing from him pretty much everyday or seeing him once a week... The thing that makes me the saddest is that I feel such a fool. I feel such a fool for letting my heart rule my head, yet again. I thought I had learnt that lesson back with Mr Rebellious. I feel a fool for ignoring all the warning signs, all the He's-Just-Not-That-In-To-You signs that I pretty much wrote the rules for. I feel a fool for thinking this was anything more that what it was.

So your pretty up to speed? For the last two months I have been battling all sorts of other drama too, drama that I really do not want to bore you with right now. I have also been struggling to get back to the old me. You know, the one who would be texting loadsa boys and not give a teeny tiny shit.

Thing is I feel like a lot has changed since then, I'm a birthday older for one thing and all my friends are actually pairing off and talking about living together, weddings and caravans (that's another story). All of a sudden I find my irresponsible boy stories from last year all a bit out of place. People aren't finding them entertaining anymore, I actually think people are starting to pity me and my single existence. Which is all fine of course because quite honestly I pity myself too. To be brutally honest I also feel a bit embarrassed. I feel like people are beginning to wonder what is wrong with me that I cannot seem to find and hold on to a man. 

My old routine/life feels so alien. Driving into work, chitchatting about him all day and worrying about weather he's text or not, it all seems such a long time ago. I still obsess about him of course but just in my head, at least then I have no witnesses to my crazy. I still see him too which is absolutely heart breaking. The only saving grace is that he has no idea. He is so stupid he would never notice how upset I was, even if I served him his pint in floods of tears.

I think its getting easier though. I still think about him when I'm trying to get to sleep and I have moments of madness where I wish I could text him to tell him I miss him, but then my brain kicks in to protect my heart and says that there's just no point, he literally CBA. Then I begin to feel the idiot again who once upon a time thought he did care. And so the crazy kicks in...