Two and half years ago I found myself in a sticky spot. A relationship I had been involved in for a year came to an abrupt end. I felt psychically and mentally unhealthy. My job, which was a major source of empowerment for me, turned sour. I was struggling to see straight.

In a nutshell I became super depressed. But, I had previous. I knew I had to take care of myself to get better. That there wasn't any other way out.


Firstly I smarted up my diet. I joined my local Slimming World, with the aim of gaining control of my very indulgent and very unhealthy eating habits. I wanted to lose 1 1/2 stone.

I also started to see a councillor. Every other Saturday morning I opened up to a stranger about all the things I felt.

I had a housemate at the time but I didn't feel too much fun to live with. Quite honestly I needed to be able to come home, take off the mask I wore at work all day and cry. He soon moved out.

As the months went on and the weight fell off I began to feel better. Soon I felt strong enough to job hunt. By the Christmas I'd reached my goal weight and I had a new job lined up.

At the time I was still experiencing depression but I was dealing with it, battling it.

In the January I decided I wanted to get physically fit. I was approaching 29 and I had my heart set on wearing the same outfit as I did for my 22nd birthday - only I wanted to look better in at 29. I started running.

I had previously dabbled in running but I never became fully dedicated. Initially I was running 3/4ks but by the time my birthday came round, late February, I was up to the 10k distance. I also started Pilates. I developed a sense of pleasure from exercising that I'd never felt before. I loved that during my run or Pilates class all my mental energy was focused on my bodily strength (and not my anxieties). It was one of the only times I didn't feel I was beating myself up.

All of these changes I had introduced really lifted my confidence. I began dating again. It was great dating. I would see a few different guys, nothing romantic - just spending time with different people, getting to know them and figuring out what it was that I wanted.

Soon I started spending a little more time with one; Mr Actually. I was attracted to his sense of adventure and his positive outlook. We would also spend quite a bit of time sharing our dreams in terms of lifestyle and family. We felt on the same page.

However. He was planning to go travelling.

Because of this I was super careful not to fall for him. I wanted people in my life who I could depend on, not people who would leave. Over a year we would see each other very sporadically. I'd put some space between us every time I felt I was getting a little too involved.

Over this time I lost sight a little of looking after myself. I was still running, just not as much as I had been, my diet was OK but difficult when you're in the throws of dating, eating out and cocktails. Quite honestly my focus shifted from myself onto him.

When he left in May I was quite certain I wouldn't hear from him again, despite him constantly insisting that would never happen. I just couldn't believe him - I wanted to of course, I just had to play it safe.

Two months after he left we were still in frequent contact. Texts most days, a call every few days. He would tell me how much he wished I was there with him, how one day we'll be doing all the things we used to dream about together. My resolve in not believing this guy began to soften.

He had always liked the idea of me flying out to meet him somewhere mid-travels. A break in his trip between South East Asia and Australia. He continued to mention this in the months after he left so I booked flights and started planning our trip to Bali.

I spent 3 months planning the 2 1/2 week trip. The closer the trip came the more anxious I grew. For various reasons; I'm not a great flyer, it was the furthest I've ever been from home and I knew this experience would be a turning point for me and him. Also I had started hearing from him a little less, I got a sense for what was happening. Also in the run up to this holiday I stopped running entirely and my diet was not at all very healthy - I wasn't focused on taking care of myself, I was too worried about what would happen after Bali.

It was very clear how he felt on day 2 of the trip. He explained that his plans had changed, that he was going to go to Australia for as long as his visa would allow and from there, who knows.

Quite understandably I was upset. I knew ironically that this guy, who I admired so much for his adventurous outlook, would be leaving my life because of it.

Due to my anxiety pre-Bali I'd packed a book my Mum had given me years before. The book, written by a Father to his 18 year old daughter, offers 3 pieces of life advice; one of them being positive thinking. Explaining the importance of always looking at the good stuff and not getting caught up on the bad.

Most days whilst away I wrote a pros and cons list in my head about my situation with Mr Actually. It went a little like this:

Con:
-He won't be in my life anymore, his texts and calls won't put that smile on my face anymore
-We're not going to do all the things we talked about doing together

Pro:
-I'm going to go home, date and meet someone new who truly does want to do those things with me
-I'm going to fall in love

I felt a massive turning point when saying goodbye to him at the airport. He was flying 5 hours to Sydney, I was flying 18 hours home. For the first time ever I didn't want to go home. I couldn't see what I was going home for. Yes there was my friends and family - but they would still love me wherever I was.

1 month after being back from Bali I still couldn't shake my need for freedom and adventure. I soon realised that I had met Mr Actually for a reason - my relationship with him took me to Bali and Bali made me realise my love for travel, freedom and adventure.

Excited about what was to come and in a bid for a new direction I starting reading self-help books. Initially it was The Life Plan by Shannah Kennedy, opening my mind up to the power of visualisation. Then I came across The Secret; the concept of the universe and positive thinking.

Within 3 months of being home I had a whole new outlook on life, a new set of goals and 2 trips booked.

Today I am feeling just as positive. The last 6 months have been the best I think I have ever had. I wake up most days thanking the universe for the day I am about to have, using affirmations to keep my mind on track. I get into bed each night and mentally write my gratitude list.

My strength of mind has overtaken my physical strength. In a bid to lift my overall strength I've signed up to a 10k run and have been regularly running since January. My diet is a bit of a struggle but I am determined to keep listening to my body and giving it the fuel it needs.

How long's a piece of string?

The age old question; how long does it take you to get over an ex? Some say half the length of the time of the relationship. When Carrie gets broken up with via post-it note, she famously spends the same amount of time mourning her relationship as he did ending it. Some people hop straight on-to and in-to the next (nightmare) relationship and others take ages, years even. 

I am the latter. 

Historically it takes me ages to get over an ex. I spend many months analysing what went wrong, feeling either absolutely ecstatic to be free from the latest loser or suicidal at the thought of being single. Actually no, it's not that I don't like being single - I actually love fending for myself, I am the ultimate single gal after all, it's more the searing pain of loss I don't like. The way it feels like you've lost a limb. 

Take my last break up for example. It really didn't take me long to realise Mr Boy was never really meant for me. How could he be? I could never be with someone who would break my heart in a blink of an eye. But, I still felt the pain. I missed him so much. Probably too much. Plus I had all the questions that would never get answered. Lots of loose ends and insecurities just floating around all over the place.

I never admit to anyone just how much I still think about him. I think I do this for many reasons but mainly because it's embarrassing. I find the whole situation embarrassing if I'm honest; how was I surprised that a 21 year old boy didn't want to stay committed to a 27 year old woman? I was dumped by a 21 year old for goodness sake. What's more it had/has such an affect on my life and the they way I feel about most things - how could I have let him have that much influence over me? (You see all the questions...?!)

Woman find it romantic when men still pine for them years after the end of their liaison. Men on the other hand label woman desperate and crazy. There's another reason why I keep schtum. 

My Mum hit the nail in the head at the weekend. She said that Mr Boy broke my heart so much that it caused me a lot of damage. She said it will take me a long time to trust someone, to enter into a relationship again and she's definitely not wrong. 

50 Shades of Single

You can tell a women's relationship status by her reaction to the newest 50 Shades of Grey ad. Excitement, distraction and lust equals married or might as well be and/or no longer having hot sex (if any sex at all). 'Meh', 'looks good' or 'he reminds me of Dan from the gym' uttered from the single and dating girls who, since the last movie came out, have been reenacting the most infamous scenes with their latest Tinder flings.

Sweeping statement? Possibly. Ringing home just a little? Most likely. 

Throughout my twenties I have undertaken many an investigation into the lives of my monogamist girl friends. I've been fascinated by sneak-peeks into their relationships; the pros and the cons, the good bits and the bad bits. All because you see, I am extremely concerned with weather or not I myself made the right call in my early twenties to be single and to enter the adult world of dating.

My latest observation stems from the reaction in the office to the new 50 Shades Darker film trailer. The girl who was most excited by this has been with her now fiancé for 10 whole years (by the way, she's 1 year younger than me - how are we even old enough to be with someone for 10 years?!). The hottest section of the ad being Jamie Dornan, erm sorry, Christian Grey slamming Anastasia Steel up against a wall in the shower, all naked and kiss-y and stuff. Their reactions made me wonder if these women (who have already marked the release on their calendar for Feb 14th next year) have ever even experienced sex in the shower in real life, let alone all that kinky stuff Mr Grey gets up to in that Red Room.

This isn't me confessing to all that I've been up to all that S&M type stuff. It's more me confessing to feeling quite satisfied with the sexual adventures I've experienced so far in my twenties. To bring it back to the pros and cons of marriage vs. single, I truly believe that I've had more sex than a lot of my relationshipped girl friends. And believe me when I say that says more about the state of their sex lives than the busyness of my bed. 

Maybe I'm wrong? I hope to god I am. I believe sex is such an important part of a relationship. It's intimacy at its best. It's love and friendship not to mention lots and lots of fun. Everyone knows it's always the best when it's with someone you love. If I had that on tap I certainly wouldn't waste that opportunity.

Let's hope 50 Shades Darker injects a bit of spice into the sex lives of these marrieds and that Ann Summers sees the same increase in sales as it did 3 years ago. Not just for the sake of those adorable battery powered rabbits but for the sex lives and sanity of those woman longing for a little Christian Grey in their lives.

Depression and anxiety: here's what I know

3 years ago my Mum suggested i should go to the doctors for help coping with a few things I was going through. At 26 I found myself challenged by a new job in the city, a job I had been working towards since 18, I was grieving the death of my very beloved Nanna and dealing with all the emotions associated with having a boy break your heart.

I took my Mums advice and for the first time ever confessed to the doctor how I was struggling to cope emotionally. He did what most doctors do and wrote me a prescription, telling me it would take 3/4 weeks for the pills to get to work. 3/4 weeks later and I wasn't feeling any better. I went back to the doctors (under strict instruction from my Mum) and this time was put in touch with a counciling service called Talking Therapy. After an initial face to face session to determine my level of depression and anxiety I was given a regular telephone call slot where I could talk my feelings through with a trained professional over the phone.

Over the next few months I answered so many of those 1-10 scales of 'how often have you felt...' I could predict all of the questions before I was asked, never the less I got on with life. The talking probably helped, as did the drugs but I think I just got better at dealing with my emotion, I just got used to it. I began to understand a little more about myself - I managed to slide that little lid back over the problem.

Over the next 2 years I coped. I met knew people, got involved in a new relationship, I travelled - I was actually loving life. I knew how it felt to be low and lonely, I felt grateful for all the happy times I was experiencing.

It wasn't all rosey, I did have a couple of blips. There was the time I experienced a panic attack for the first time whilst on a train, leading me to go back to the doctors, this time being prescribed anxiety medication. Throughout this time I also continued to suffer from my compulsive hair pulling. But overall I felt good - glad to be on the other side.

After my 28th birthday my life started to change. Within a few months I had sold my flat and moved in to my house (they say moving is 1 of the most stressful things you can do, ever) and I was also broken up with by my boyfriend completely out of the blue -I was heart broken.

Once again I found myself struggling emotionally. Back to the doctors I marched, then straight to the chemist with my prescription slip. This time I knew what to expect, I knew the battle but I also knew some coping strategies. 

This time last year I found myself in full swing depression, not that a lot of my friends and even family would know. I had never taken any time of work because of this battle, I never slept in all day, I never broke down in public (with them anyway) - I kept up the facade that I always had.

By December last year my job had also proved to be a challenge. The difficulties in my personal life (and my head) were making coping with work stress difficult. Instead of taking work on the chin I took it home, mulled it over in my mind and cried myself to sleep. Repeating the cycle the very next day. I found myself either at work on a high state of alert for fear of being attacked or at home coming down from the day and sinking into a deep depression.

I knew I had to make a change, so I did. I got myself a new job and I started to work on my endorphin levels by running. Whilst working the 2 months notice period at my job however my depression got much worse. The constant state of anxiety I had gone to work with for 3 years took its toll and in the end I had to take time off. I took 2 days sick whilst under doctors instruction to take at least 2 weeks. I didn't want to hand in the note to work, I didn't want to 'give in', I was worried I would never work again if I did that.

Since March this year my life took a much more positive turn. My new job is in a much more supportive environment. I have far more time to myself, to exercise, sleep and cook. I now spend time and money on hobbies I never would have done before, I have a much greater sense of perspective and awareness of my own emotion.

I do still have difficult days, but I now have a few activities up my sleeve that I can turn to to keep myself from spiralling but I'm still quite secretive about it. I feel a lot of pressure to never appear 'weak' (whatever that means) to anyone. I would never confess to work colleagues or managers the difficulties I sometimes face, I barely talk to my friends about it. I myself find it 'weak' that other people can do that, there's something about keeping a lid on it that I think suggests your a true sufferer (obviously that is the most ridiculous logic ever and written like a true depressive).  

Today I battled with lots of feelings and at moments they nearly got the better of me. No doubt tomorrow will be the same - I think that's just who I am. I unfortunately cannot control how I feel, but I can control how it affects me. I can learn new behaviours as a reaction to those feelings, for example I can learn to take a bath whenever I'm feeling lonely instead of crying on the sofa or to colour whenever I am feeling sad.

I'm glad I've learnt these skills and I've experienced these difficulties. Recently I've found it a good way to bond with other people who share similar experiences. I've had such great talks with people who feel just as lonely, sad and worthless as I do sometimes and it's helped me (and hopefully them) to see, just for a second, that they're not quite as alone as they think they are.

My battle is a work in progress but the most important lesson I've learnt is that some days you win and some days you lose but giving up just never an option.

This is not a break up survival guide

So your boyfriend suddenly drops the 'I don't want to be with you anymore' bombshell. Completely out of the blue, completely left field and you find yourself feeling...

1. Like shit

2. That you can't go more than 3 seconds without picturing his face and feeling your tummy flip over

3. Like your best friend has dropped off the face of the earth/died

4.  Anxious whilst wondering how you'll make it through the next 5 minutes, let alone the week of work you have to show up for

This is not a how-to guide to help you survive your breakup. I'm not going to reassure you that you'll feel better in a few days, nor that you'll feel better in a few weeks. Not that you won't - you might. What's important right now is how you feel in this very moment, because really that's all you have.

'You'll get over it.' Quite possibly the worst combination of words to say to anyone mid-emotional turmoil. Particularly a turmoil created by a boy who you're still in love with. Mainly because you don't want to get over it - you don't want to be in this situation at all, let alone have to face getting over him.

I'm hoping my next statement won't make you feel worse... I just don't think people ever get over it, not really anyway. Every experience in life sticks with us, they affect us in so many ways. Particularly the experiences where your heart, your trust and your friendships have been broken. 

Now I'm not saying that's a bad thing. There's all those Pinterest quotes aren't there; 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger', 'no rain, no flowers', 'pain is fuel'. Maybe there is some truth in that. Maybe one day, a few years from now, he'll cross your mind and you'll notice how thankful you are to have experienced what you did with him. Then again, maybe there will be moments when you equally miss what you had. Who knows. It really is a mystery but once again, the future doesn't help.

I've already set the expectation with you that this is not a survival guide. However (come on, it's a very small however), I will say this:

Nobody knows how to help you feel better. You don't even know what it will take to make you feel better. But as sure as day follows dawn, time carries on. The hours, days and weeks will go by. Those will be filled with life stuff. Stuff that puts a distance between you and him (and I know you don't want that distance but you have to give it a go, you don't really have a choice). 

Quite honestly I'm not really sure what happens after that. I guess it's just life. Life that you can't even begin to imagine right now I'll bet, next week probably feels a lifetime away. 

If, at the very least, this post has distracted you from your painful heart just for the length of time it has taken for you to read, then perfect. I can feel like all the heartache I felt by being broken up with by my ex-boyfriend was totally and honestly worth it.

Insomnia

It's 1:08am, I've been trying to sleep since 11pm. I think I've slept a bit but I've now go the point where I am frustrated, my hands are itching (this is a weird thing that keeps happening when I can't sleep) and my mind is full of crap.

I'm down at the caravan on the east coast with a bunch of my parents friends and family members. We're celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. It's been quite a big deal, mums been planning it for months. Tomorrow we're all going out for a three course fancy lunch, we've all been instructed to wear our finest, my sister even had her hair done!

I'm not sleeping great at the moment. I think it's because my holiday is looming and I'm doing the typical rush of getting work sorted, worrying about getting all those holiday prep bits done - I'm worrying about leaving my cats for goodness sake! 

There is also lack of boy on my horizon. Sometimes they're good for a distraction, a feel-good, a sense that maybe someone out there will eventually be a good one. I duno, feeling a little confused by it all.

My mind has been swarming full of wild thoughts, dreams and anxiety. I haven't seen my councillor in a while due to holidays etc and I won't be seeing her for a few more weeks either. Right now I'm thinking I could do with a chat.

I'm feeling a lot of pressure right now. Pressure to find someone, pressure to get into a committed relationship, to have the wedding, the kids... I feel like I'm not able to do that, as much as I want it all I just don't think I can. 

I feel like my circle is small, like really small. I only really have my parents. I keep thinking how much of an awful person I must be not to have a family of my own. 

Ok, today has been a down day. This moment in time particularly bad. I blame the booze. I've had drinks the last 3 days! It's really not good for me. How many times do I say this but I continue to drink?! I've also eaten crap. My body feels gross, I feel sick from all the indulgence and my mind is all over the place.

A few days ago I was feeling strong, I was channeling my inner-Beyonce and I felt good. I felt great! But right now I'm feeling really low, really on the brink,

Bleurgh. I hate this. I hate my fucking crazy mind. I can't make sense of it at all. I'm trying my hardest to, every single day. Feels like a losing battle today. 

I'm Actually Dating

I'm dating a new guy; Mr Actually. It's a bit of an odd one for me, it's easy, a slow burner but actually, Mr Actually seems quite kind, actually.

I met him way back in February and he was one the crops I've been farming for the last few months. I've been having fun with the dating game and I am still having fun, I am definitely in no rush to fall into anything. In fact, I'm not I will ever let myself fall for anyone again. I don't even think that's a bad thing.

Recently I've been chatting to the younger girls at work about their dates and guys. They all get so excited and are so 'loved-up', I'm not sure I will ever feel like that again. I simply do not trust myself, I don't trust my own judgement. I've fallen for the wrong guy three too many times. 

As sad as it sometimes feels, to be all emotion-less, I do feel more in control, more sensible and less likely to put up with nonsense from these boys. It's going to take a real good one for me to trust and fall in love with, unfortunately for them it's not going to be an easy think but maybe I've fallen too easily in the past, maybe I was too naive and too in love with the idea of being in love. 

I can't spend too much time worrying about how I feel. My feelings are my feelings, I can't change them, I just have to roll with it. Plus I'm actually going away to Ibiza next month. I have a bikini body to work on, actually.